WATCH-O-RAMA HIGHLIGHTS AND LOWLIGHTS OF THE COMING TV WEEK.

Byline: David Kronke

``The Starlet''

(The WB Channel 5; 8 tonight, 9 p.m. Thursday)

Think: Yet more talent-show reality competition: 10 young women flaunt their acting chops and otherwise for Faye Dunaway and Vivica Fox. At stake: a ``career-launching'' bit part on ``One Tree Hill.''

Don't think: Just what monumentally self-absorbed young divas need: vague validation that their every movement is worthy of being monitored by TV cameras. And while all ooh and aah over the ironic fact that they're holing up in a mansion that once belonged to Marilyn Monroe, no one pauses to reflect on her ultimate fate in Hollywood.

In a nutshell: ``Hollywood: a place where dreams come true'' (per the narrator) is the level of creativity at work here. The level of delusion on display here - one young woman compares herself to Cate Blanchett and Meryl Streep; another declares herself to be ``the entire package'' - is breathtaking, particularly when we see their weak auditions. Otherwise, familiar reality fare.

``The Long Firm''

(BBC America; 10 tonight, through March 27)

Think: Imagine if Tony Soprano were gay, British and a product of the 1960s. The impeccable Derek Jacobi, playing a cash-strapped politico, serves as a somewhat reluctant narrator for tonight's episode about Harry Starks (Mark Strong), a racketeer with an army of strong-arms and a fond place in his heart for Judy Garland.

Don't think: Despite the subject matter, the title refers to gangster-speak for earning credibility for one's dubious affairs. Get your mind out of the gutter.

In a nutshell: The plot particulars may make this somewhat less crowd- pleasing than HBO's masterpiece, but this is smart, brilliantly performed, and its moral ambiguities give HBO a run for its premium-cable money.

``Intervention''

(A&E; 10 tonight)

Think: Reality series in which addicts are forced to face down the demons destroying their lives.

Don't think: True story: 14 months ago, competing to create the most reprehensible idea for a reality series ever, I suggested ``Intervention.'' And, now - ta-daa! - here it is.

In a nutshell: Train-wreck TV can't get worse. As commendable as it might be to help tormented subjects beaten by their addictions, it's doubly appalling to present their anguish for viewers' ``edification'' and entertainment. You'll need a drink - or three - to watch this.

``Lies My Mother Told Me''

(Lifetime; 9 p.m. Monday)

Think: ``Nip/Tuck's'' Joely Richardson cuts off her nose to spite her career, playing a psycho mom exploiting relationships to con (or kill, whichever's easiest) suckers out of money.

Don't think: Three years ago, this was a true-life story of Sante Kimes and her twistedly manipulated son, Kenny. This comes a little too late to capitalize on that tabloid-ready story, so they manufactured this (thinly) reconstructed version.

In a nutshell: Detritus by any other name would smell as bad.

``Biography: Hunter S. Thompson''

(Biography Channel; 10 p.m. Monday)

Think: The life of the late gonzo journalist is recalled by editors (though, curiously, not Jann Wenner), acquaintances and, in recent, sporadically coherent, interviews, Thompson himself.

Don't think: When Thompson ran for sheriff in 1970, he shaved his head and who did he look like? Today's most gonzo journalist: Jeff Gannon!

In a nutshell: Thompson would've grabbed the chirpy, high-energy narrator by the throat and squeezed the very life from him. But it's reflective of the mildly superficial take here - and would it have killed them to include some significant samples of his writing? (Here's assuming the upbeat ending, concluded before his suicide, will get changed.)

``Hollywood's Magical Kingdom - Catalina''

(KOCE Channel 50; 8 p.m. Tuesday and 7 p.m. March 13)

Think: Peter Coyote narrates this documentary on the history of the most exotic cheap vacation available to Angelenos (though, truth be told, you can get much of that history visiting the island on your own).

Don't think: They don't answer the big question: How much money do those guys renting golf carts for exorbitant rates make?

In a nutshell: Engaging portrait of a pleasant enough tourist trap. Enjoy with an ostrich sandwich.

``The Hollow Men''

(Comedy Central; 10:30 p.m. Thursday)

Think: Breathless sketch comedy series starring a quartet of British comics.

Don't think: These are probably not the guys T.S. Eliot had in mind when he wrote that poem.

In a nutshell: Quick, short sketches mean the lousy ones are over soon enough. This week is pretty weak, highlighted by a bad cop/worse cop interrogation; next week is an improvement, with a cryogenically preserved man treated very badly indeed and a courtroom of lawyers objecting to everyone else's motions.

``Confessions of a Sociopathic Social Climber''

(Oxygen; 8 p.m. Saturday)

Think: Jennifer Love Hewitt stars as a socialite whose behavior makes Paris Hilton's look ... Well, Hewitt's character is pretty awful, anyway, and the filmmakers want viewers to like her and somehow accept her redemption.

Don't think: Oxygen's executives clearly believe us to be utter morons.

In a nutshell: Remember any of the concepts of comedy? The film's producers don't, and if you sit through this, you may not remember any of the tenets of quality at all.

``Family Business''

(Showtime; 11:30 p.m. Saturday)

Think: Third-season premiere of a reality series about a family in the porn business.

Don't think: The main protagonist's young son briefly appears on the show. Here's hoping earnings from this series can bankroll the years of therapy that will no doubt be necessary.

In a nutshell: Tonight's plots include the protagonist's reticence to inform his mother he's dating an industry gal (as if, given everything else, that might upset her) and his cousin's marketing novelty toilet paper. Given the prurient subject matter, it's surprisingly prosaic.

David Kronke, [phone]

david.kronke(at)dailynews.com

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