WATCH-O-RAMA HIGHLIGHTS AND LOWLIGHTS OF THE COMING TV WEEK.

Byline: David Kronke

``Snow''

(ABC Family; 8 tonight)

Think: Nick Snowden (``Ed's'' Tom Cavanaugh), aka Santa, looking for love, needs to rescue a poached reindeer. He finds both at a Southern California zoo (where there is precious little of what the title promises).

Don't think: As this film would have it, Santa is lanky, beardless, prone to physical humor and prattles insecurely around women. Apparently the screenwriter confused St. Nick with Woody Allen.

In a nutshell: Ashley Williams' charming turn as Nick's zookeeper love interest greatly leavens this otherwise programmatic romantic comedy.

``Spy on the Wild''

(Animal Planet; 8 tonight)

Think: Teeny, high-tech cameras capture birds, bugs, lizards, elephants and baboons in new, unlikely perspectives.

Don't think: Fortunately, no animal colonoscopy.

In a nutshell: Gimmicky but surprisingly involving.

``Female Suicide Bombers''

(National Geographic Channel; 9 p.m. Monday)

Think: Lisa Ling hosts this documentary on a disturbing emerging trend in terrorism and what drives women to kill themselves and others. Surprisingly, Russia has more female bombers than the Middle East.

Don't think: Odd topic for a holiday special. But it beats ``Single Santa Seeks ...''

In a nutshell: A few unnecessarily melodramatic flourishes but grimly fascinating nonetheless.

``Legend of Earthsea''

(Sci Fi; 9 and 11 p.m. and 1 a.m. Monday and Tuesday)

Think: Kristin Kreuk, Isabella Rossellini and Danny Glover star in this miniseries based on Ursula K. Le Guin's fantasy best sellers about a young man (Shawn Ashmore) who becomes a powerful sorcerer, battles dragons, falls in love - you know, the usual.

Don't think: Let's see - Le Guin has disowned the project, fans are irate for any number of reasons (including casting the pasty Ashmore as a character who in the books appears Middle Eastern), and no one else (save for the odd straggler still going through ``Lord of the Rings'' withdrawal) will care. So who is this aimed at?

In a nutshell: Plus, it's really slow in getting started. Rename it ``Indifference of Earthsea.''

``Scorsese on Scorsese''

(Turner Classic Movies; 7 and 11 p.m. Tuesday)

Think: Just in time to plug his latest movie, the master filmmaker reflects on his life and career.

Don't think: How weird is it that Scorsese indirectly begat the crummy, ``Kiss-my-grits'' sitcom ``Flo?'' That must explain his Oscar snub.

In a nutshell: Fascinating and illuminating. If you've seen Scorsese's perceptive documentary appreciations of movies, you already know you'll be tuning in. ``Raging Bull'' follows at 8:30 p.m., ``New York, New York'' at 12:30 a.m.

``House''

(Fox Channel 11; 9 p.m. Tuesday)

Think: For his Christmas episode, Dr. House (Hugh Laurie) almost kills a nun.

Don't think: But he doesn't actually kill her. And it's not like he actively tries to kill her, he just misdiagnoses her ailment. So that's a pretty uplifting holiday sentiment, right?

In a nutshell: Solid episode - both witty and compelling - from one of the year's best new shows and a heartening ratings success.

``Coming to the Stage''

(BET; 8 p.m. Wednesday)

Think: Aspiring comics vie for stardom - or at least a few minutes of basic-cable glory.

Don't think: ``Last Comic Standing'' without all that pesky suspicious voting.

In a nutshell: Cory Fernandez is one of the contestants with a nice little deadpan act, and the judges actually offer smart, constructive advice, a rarity for talent-competition shows.

``B.M.O.C.''

(The WB Channel 5; 9 p.m. Wednesday)

Think: ``Girls Gone Wild'' cleaned up, a little. Irresponsible college coeds audition vain, loutish bachelors, then promiscuously vie for the winner's affections. Yes, it's a reality show.

Don't think: ``B.M.O.C.: Bowel Movement Orange County?''

In a nutshell: These women make a compelling argument for homosexuality. Western civilization's demise just got a smidgen closer, but future promises of bad behavior make ``The Bachelor'' look like it takes place in a convent and may prove addictive to train-wreck fans.

``Someone's Watching''

(Discovery Times Channel; 10 p.m. Saturday)

Think: Apparently technology has severely compromised our privacy. But you probably already knew this from reading the e-mail in which I sent this story to my editor.

Don't think: Given this time slot and this network (which an acquaintance who was offered a show on it described as ``the witness protection program''), the title may simply be wishful thinking.

In a nutshell: Lowell Bergman - you know, the guy Al Pacino played in ``The Insider'' - files a solid if not terribly surprising report.

David Kronke, [phone]

david.kronke(at)dailynews.com

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo:

(1) ``LEGEND OF EARTHSEA''

(2) ``SCORSESE ON SCORSESE''