Video valentines: tired of snuggling up to Desert Hearts and Beautiful Thing? Comedian Suzanne Westenhoefer suggests some fresh romantic videos for your February 14 needs. (video).

Ever since the flowers I sent her failed to get my eighth-grade English teacher to fall in love with me, I have always been a bit of a Valentine's Day Scrooge. It's not that I am not romantic--I have written my share of "Be My Valentine" poems and bought the heart-flavored edible underwear--but like many of us, I suspect, I find it easier to just let this manufactured holiday pass. And so I make the case for staying home with your sweetie, ordering in, and renting the video that most suits your Valentine's Day needs. In no particular order, here are some of my faves.

For our gals who need some extra sexual stimulation, I suggest Bound (1996), a wild modern film noir with the luscious Gina Gershon. Unlike the heroines of most lesbian flicks, the girls of Bound actually "do it." It doesn't hurt that they turn the tables on some bad guys as well.

Gay men have a plethora of porn from which to choose, but if the boys want to try something a bit more unintentionally erotic, go for Baby Blue Marine (1976). This is all you need to know: A hunky Jan-Michael Vincent and a very young Richard Gere do boot-camp scenes. You can guess the drill.

No recent lesbian film touches the romance and sexuality of Aimee and Jaguar (2000), now available on video. The love story of a Jewish woman and a German (and married!) woman in World War II Berlin, it gets bonus points for being a true story.

Spike Lee's first feature film--and in my opinion his best--is 1986's She's Gotta Have It. Sexy, hot Tracy Camilla Johns is chased by three beefcake boys who jump through some funny hoops to get her attention. It's 84 minutes of heteros being irresistibly adorable.

If you prefer your romance tinged with sadness and pathos, the Kevin Bacon-directed film Losing Chase (1996) is sumptuous and intense. Helen Mirren (be still, my heart!) flirts with anger, madness, and a luminous Kyra Sedgwick, Mr. Bacon's real-life wife. Might as well watch this in the bedroom and save time if you can.

Cleopatra (1963): OK, yes, it is long and really over-the-top, but are we not homosexuals? The inventors of camp? Watch it to see Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor trying to act (badly) like they're not cheating on their real-life spouses behind the scenes. And see Roddy McDowall flame out so brilliantly that he makes Sean Hayes of Will & Grace seem subtle.

But perhaps you are alone this Valentine's Day. And not through any fault of your own but because that worm of a lover of yours has finally done you a favor and moved on. Maybe a different kind of video would be more in keeping with your "romance and love are for morons" mood. If you can relate, allow me to recommend I Spit on Your Grave (1978). It's a reverse slasher flick that follows one young woman as she methodically and creatively (read: lots of pain and blood) exacts her vengeance on a group of men who abused her. It is the ultimate in revenge fantasies and definitely not for the squeamish or politically correct. Happy freaking Valentine's Day, everyone!

Find Suzanne Westenhoefer's official Web page abd other related Internet sites at www.advocate.com

Westenhoefer will spend 2002 on the "Banned in Pittsburgh" tour.