Vancouver maneuvers: a Canadian weekend.

EVER HAVE THOSE DAYS when you're about to snap and you need to just get the luck out of Dodge? You know, those days where you drive an hour through smog-infested traffic to get a 300 dollar no-elbow-pad ticket at the shittiest skatepark in the world, and then the pig takes your board? Yeah, it was one of those days, and rather than going and diving off a building, I bought a ticket for Vancouver and got the hell out of the SoCal heat.

THE MALL RAIL. What could be better than a 12-flat-one, throat-high rail that you have to curve up to? I guess, if you're Machnau, nothing. 10:00pm at night and it's still light out, Machnau jumps while the toy-cop security guards come rushing up on razors. For reals--just when you thought you couldn't take a security guard any less seriously, wait until one comes up on a razor.

OF COURSE, it's always entertaining and worth while to bring Moses along on the missions. The man who lives for putting stupid security guards in their place is a commodity to have with you any time you go skate. There wasn't too much action on this trip, but Moses did bomb some screaming maniac's car with zucchini tempura. When we got pulled over down the road and the Mountie asked, "Sir, do you have any produce in your car?" With his devilish little grin, Moses mustered out a "no." I'm pretty much in the back seat trying not to laugh, while the officer asks if he can search the truck because someone called in and said people were throwing vegetables at people's cars. After a brief produce search, we were back on the road.

CHINO WAS SO 2004. Once something comes out on the spot, everyone gangbangs it and keeps upping the ante until you find yourself trying to top a switch backside 360. It's just how SoCal works--step it up or don't bother. Not nearly as minute or user friendly, Leks Baris starts off Canada's Chino. Backside flick. I think we'll be seeing more of this set.

IT SEEMS MOST CANADIANS are fascinated with American culture, and not the most positive aspects. Apparently, Fahrenheit 911 was quite the hit up there, as well as Supersize Me--the movie essentially about how most Americans are fat. Though my little party pudge hardly constitutes being fat, I usually am left having to explain that not all people in America are morbidly obese and addicted to the Golden Arches. Seemingly, I'm always searching for some tangible evidence to prove Canada does in fact have its share of fatties, and luckily for me, it came rolling right up. This Kathy Bates look-a-like swore to me she played Superman in the original TV series, and she insisted my photo would be worth more with her in it. I agreed; I now have proof that obesity is not a disease unique to America. My pseudo logic proves it. Oh, and in case you don't know, their McDonald's uses real meat-or at least it tastes more like real meat. Magnus Hanson heel bombs for freedom.

MY EXPERIENCE IN CANADA wouldn't be complete without getting into at least one "traditional bar-room brawl." First night out at the bar, a flying midget tried to head-butt Machnau. After several unsuccessful attempts, Machnau finally grabbed the little fella by the throat and dragged him through some tables. Apparently, this vertically-challenged guy was in cahoots with the whole bar, as the entire crowd of people followed as Machnau and the midget were being dragged out the door. I went outside to make sure Machnau wasn't getting jumped in the streets, and much to my surprise, I was greeted by a lynch mob of Canadian loggers. Suffice to say, the eight of them pretty much let me have it, but I took one with me and gave him something to show for. Flannel-wearing mulletards 1, me 0.

CANADA'S PRETTY SWEET for skating. It's a leisurely environment: Tons of good skate parks, lots of spots, some rippers, and no balding cops to badger you. I guess being in this tranquil environment seems to make some skaters a little too "leisurely." Of course this isn't Machnau, but it does apply to some of the others who live around town. Much to my surprise, trying to get a posse to go out and skate was hard; as if sitting inside playing video games all day was some competitive interest. One of the few local rippers who wasn't lazy was Keegan. I didn't know too much about the newest Zero recruit, but when he came out skating with us it was obvious that the guy rips. Soft-spoken and to the point, he wasted no time and got on the spots as quickly as he could. We moved the ripest-smelling Porto-John to skate this rail; that's some commitment.

MACHNAU (AKA THE MACHINE) picked me up right when I got into Van and said, "Let's go to this bank of the rail spot." We get to this spot and it's brutal: Rough-ass Canadian ground, cracks everywhere into a steep-ass bank that drills into the ground and lands on a main street. No warm up at all, and he's already jumping while I'm still trying to dig the camera battery out of my little duffel bag. Machnau is straight up gnarly; he jumps on the craziest shit all the time, and it's not that he just jumps on it, it's the fact he's so skilled at it that it's really not all that scary to watch. Anyway, he made the pop-shove over the rail in a few tries and was ready to go terminate the next spot. Funny thing is, due to some equipment malfunctioning, my camera formatted the memory card and the sequence was lost. He tells me, "No problem, we'll just go back and get it in the morning." Fucking gnarly.