VIRTUAL SOAPBOX TAKE A TRIP AROUND THE WORLD WIDE WEB OF DEMAGOGUERY.

Byline: Bridget Johnson

THANKS to the Internet, there's no need for world leaders to go to the town square, make their loud pronouncements and risk assassination in the process. Now, every leader - from men of wisdom to the villainous oddity - can spread their message from the comfort of a palatial mansion.

But with Kim Jong Il, the message will cost you 30 euros on DVD.

Yes, the ``Dear Leader,'' as he prefers to be called (under mandate), whose rosy-cheeked image hangs in every North Korean home (by mandate) offers a link to souvenirs on his home page. And how can this man really be a dictatorial beast when he offers free shipping and handling with every order?

Orders are handled by the Korean Friendship Association (Kim's friends by mandate, I'm sure). Like I'd give my Visa number to a broke North Korean communist government.

But surely Kim has something more to offer than a DVD of his 60th birthday celebration for the aforementioned 30 euro ($35.90) expenditure.

At least on his Web site, he leaves the talking up to dear ol' departed dad Kim Il Sung: ``The Juche Idea means, in a few words, that the owner of the revolution and construction are the people's masses.''

I find more weight, substance and believability in the Feb. 10 edition of Weekly World News, which claims that Kim is so fixated on Wookiees and Ewoks that he's offered to give up his nuclear program for a sneak peek at ``Star Wars: Episode III.''

However, Kim does say in the site's ``unification'' section that the only thing keeping the North and South from coming together in Brady Bunch harmony is the big, bad U.S. - never mind the South Koreans who like knowing where their next meal's coming from, and would lose that meal in more ways than one if they saw Kim and that hair hanging on the living room wall.

A few mouse clicks takes us to Moammar Gadhafi's Web site, where the Libyan leader has a lot to say. And his words are of such global urgency that the home page features an important-looking Gadhafi pointing at a spinning globe. ``Al Gathafi speaks...'' proclaims the banner.

If he wants to speak, he should start by talking to his lazy webmaster - the site is a train wreck.

But our new WMD-denouncing friend Moammar does have ``The Definitive Solution of The Kashmiri Problem'' and ``The Revolutionary Leader ventage (sic) point and analysis on world Terrorism.''

``There is pigheaded people that refused to cooperate to fight terrorism, because it has been connected with definding America,'' says Gadhafi. ``... We differ in identifying terrorism. I explain with all transparency because I am not afraid, nor covetous or hypocrite.''

But wait, there's more!

Moammar has penned his solution to the Mideast conflict: ``Isratine.'' He wants to create this joint Palestinian/Israeli state because ``this would put everything back the way it was, and thereby end the injustice and deprivation, for there is no history of enmity between Jews and Arabs.'' In the same treatise, he says, ``The Jews are an unfortunate people.'' Smooth talker.

To round out our cyber-world trip, we pay a visit to the Web site of Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani. The Iraqi Shiite cleric's Web site has a Q&A that tackles tough topics from masturbation to menses. And you've gotta love an ayatollah with a suggestion box.

And I'm ever-so-tempted by the opportunity to ask al-Sistani a question. All answers, the site promises, will bear the ayatollah's seal.

``Greetings, Grand Ayatollah, and I hope you're having a great day. A question I hoped you could clarify: What constitutes an infidel? This tends to be a blanket term used to describe everyone in my country, so I'm curious about its meanings, origins and proper usage. Thanks a bunch!''

About a week later, I get a response with that official seal, straight from the home office in Qom, Iran. The e-mail has my original text with a shaky underline beneath the word ``infidel.'' Below is written, ``Infidel: All who deny Allah.''

I can just see him on the other side of the world muttering, ``Look it up in a dictionary, woman!''

If the Web is an opportunity to get inside the head of people you will never, ever meet in line at Trader Joe's, it's done its job. And the leader who can sum up his soapbox on the Web effectively turns the cyber-world into his town square.

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North Korean leader Kim Jong Il's Web site offers everything from his political opinions to DVDs of his birthday party.

Kotaro Honma/Associated Press