VIDEO: `PRIVATE PARTS': KEEP IT COVERED.

Byline: Robert Bianco Special to the Daily News

Maybe Howard Stern should have kept a few more of his parts private.

To be fair, Stern's movie autobiography ``Private Parts'' (1996, Paramount; priced for rental) doesn't quite qualify as a disaster - though that's the label it's acquired. After all, for one brief, not-so-shining moment, it was the most popular movie in America.

Popularity, however, is ephemeral these days. Everyone who wanted to see Stern's ``Parts'' pretty much saw it in the first weekend, and there weren't enough of them to make the movie a hit. Those same people probably will want to see it again on video; everyone else is advised to continue avoiding it.

Starring Stern as himself, ``Private Parts'' depicts the radio shock-jock as a lovable schlub whose embrace of bad taste is supposed to represent a heart-warming triumph over a painful childhood. Even if you buy the concept, there's something fundamentally unappealing about the heretofore brazenly iconoclastic Stern suddenly begging to be liked.

If you don't like Stern, odds are you won't like ``Private Parts,'' despite a general consensus that the movie was better than expected. (Considering the subterranean level of expectations, that's hardly an enormous accomplishment.) Think of ``Private Parts'' as a private party only fans should attend.

Of course, when it comes to inauspicious film bios, Stern's is hardly alone. Here are 10 others to rent instead:

Song of Norway: (1970, Fox; $59.99): This operetta bio of composer Edvard Grieg (played by household-name Toralv Maurstad) was already old-fashioned when it opened on Broadway in 1944. Reviving it a quarter-century later in a belated attempt to strike ``Sound of Music'' gold qualifies as one of Hollywood's dimmer ideas.

The Scarlet Empress: (1934, Universal; $14.98): Director Josef von Sternberg and star Marlene Dietrich had one of their biggest box-office flops with this rococo bio of Catherine the Great. As usual with von Sternberg, ``Empress'' is sexually charged and visually stunning. It just doesn't have anything at all to do with biography, history or humanity.

The Conqueror: (1956, Universal; $14.99): In the pantheon of Bad Bio Casting, few movies can match John Wayne as Genghis Khan. It sounds more amusing than it is. ``The Conqueror'' was so haunted by tragedy (many of the actors died of cancer, a grim statistic traced by some to the film's being shot near a nuclear test site), it can't even be enjoyed as a camp romp.

Lisztomania: (1975, Warner; $19.98): Speaking of romps, camp-master Ken Russell followed his historically suspect bio of Tchaikovsky (``The Music Lovers'') with this even more outrageous, phallus-filled bio of Franz Liszt. Roger Daltry makes Liszt a proto-rock star, which makes as much sense as anything else in the movie.

Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy: (1981, Vidmark; $24.95): Jaclyn Smith and James Franciscus are JBK and JFK in this tired TV rehash of Jackie's legacy. If the actors had the charisma needed to play Jackie and Jack, they wouldn't be spending their careers making TV movies.

Night and Day: (1946, MGM; $19.98): What do ``Night and Day'' (Cole Porter), ``The Agony and the Ecstasy'' (Michelangelo) and ``Words and Music'' (Lorenz Hart) have in common? They all glide over the sexuality of their subjects. Though it mangles Porter's life, ``Night'' does offer some decent versions of his songs - including the only film record of Mary Martin doing ``My Heart Belongs to Daddy.''

Roseanne: An Unauthorized Biography: (1994, Polygram; $49.99): A miscast Denny Dillon makes a second-rate Roseanne in this TV movie, one of two made about the sitcom star. Both films made the same crucial mistake: They attempted to tell Roseanne's story long after we'd already grown tired of hearing it from Roseanne.

The Great Moment: (1944, Universal; $14.98): Sometimes mediocre movies have terrible consequences. Comic genius Preston Sturges was so determined to make this odd bio of the dentist who first used ether as an anesthetic, he walked out on Paramount to do it, effectively ending his career. He should have listened to Paramount: The movie is one long, curious ``Who cares?''

Up Close and Personal: (1996, Touchstone; $19.99): When is a bio not a bio? ``Up Close'' started as a loosely based bio of newswoman Jessica Savitch - and ended as a conventional ``Star Is Born'' romance for Michelle Pfeiffer and Robert Redford. It did, however, yield a great backstage book: ``Monster,'' by John Gregory Dunne, who co-wrote the script with his wife, Joan Didion.

Mommie Dearest: (1981, Paramount; $14.99): It doesn't always pay to give a great performance in a bad movie. Faye Dunaway is so brilliant as Joan Crawford in this diva/queen classic that she somehow seems to have been trapped in the role. Luckily, this bio story may have a happy ending: Dunaway can now be seen giving an equally brilliant performance in the Maria Callas stage bio ``Master Class.'' Perhaps Callas is what she needs to escape Crawford.

CAPTION(S):

Photo

PHOTO Howard Stern has a first date with Alison (Mary McCormack) in ``Private Parts,'' a movie that had a hot start but never became a hit.