VALLEY TEEN KILLS SELF AFTER MASS TRAGEDY.

Byline: Lisa Van Proyen and Steve Carney Daily News Staff Writers

Hours after the Colorado high school shootings, 17-year-old Gerardo Lopez took his own life, leaving a note that starts with his expression of profound sadness over the 15 deaths.

On Thursday, a day after the Kennedy High School student was found, family members struggled to understand the loss. They described him as smart, sensitive and a self-perceived outcast and failure. Things that some teen-agers shrug off - job rejections and teasing - avalanched into major problems, they said.

``He said he didn't want to end it the same way it ended in Colorado. He didn't want it ever happening to him. He said he was tired of seeing all these kids getting killed,'' said his brother, Alex Lopez, 11. ``Now his family and friends are suffering.''

Gerardo's father, brother and cousin said they do not believe the Colorado attack provoked the suicide, but one of his sisters said she is unsure.

``He kept it to himself. We don't really know if he was planning it,'' said Claudia Lopez, 21.

In a note written shortly before he hanged himself, ``he also mentioned nothing was going right for him, and his ambitions were becoming dreams,'' said his cousin Orlando Solis, 22.

Gerardo - nicknamed ``Gerardito'' by his family - felt different than most people, his family said. He received psychological treatment for his depression and had spoken previously of wanting to die.

``In the letter he said, `I tried to be normal with people in the family.' He said he tried to blend in with everyone, but the truth was he felt different than everyone else,'' Solis said.

Students at Kennedy High, where he had a 3.5 grade-point average, said the gangly teen with the slight lisp just wanted to fit in. But he was routinely harassed by classmates.

``He had nowhere to go,'' said classmate Jason Quintanilla, a senior who was on the drama department's stage crew with Gerardo.

``He tried talking to us, and we did the best we could,'' he said. ``Now they're like, Oh, I feel so sorry. But they used to pick on him.''

``I don't think anybody understood him,'' added David Saldana, a 17-year-old senior. ``I liked the way he, no matter what he tried to do, he'd make you happy.''

Gerardo tried out for junior varsity football but never was called upon to play. Yet, Quintanilla said, ``every day he kept going to practice.''

Family said Gerardo began to feel alienated when he was 5 and children teased him because of a surgery scar from a leg injury.

``After this, he was a different kid. He was a beautiful kid. But after that, he changed. I think it was too much anesthesia. He lost self-confidence,'' said his father, Gerardo Lopez Sr.

``He said: Daddy, what did they do to me?'' Lopez recalled.

Solis said he also noticed that Gerardo became withdrawn. ``Ever since then, he was more quiet. He stayed in his room a lot,'' Solis said.

Last summer, Gerardo mentioned dying, but brushed off Solis' questions by saying, ``Never mind.''

On Easter, Gerardo was in his room and apparently crying, Solis said. His told Solis he had scratched his eye. Later, Gerardo's family went out, but he stayed home, saying he was tired, Solis said.

``I wish I could have picked up on it sooner,'' the cousin said.

On the day of his death, Gerardo asked his mother to pick up his dry cleaning. He wore those clothes when he hanged himself in the back yard.