Using E-Prime and English Minus Absolutisms to provide self-empathy.

    "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of
    changing himself."--Leo Tolstoy

    "First, be at peace with yourself. Then at least there will be some
    peace in the world."--Thomas Merton

OUR SELF TALK, especially when describing ourselves, can have a significant effect on our health and well-being. Can it make us sick? According to Stephen Levine, one of my favorite spiritual teachers, "If we heard a couple at the next table speaking to each other the way we speak to ourselves in our minds, we wouldn't be able to eat the meal when the waiter brought it. We'd be too nauseated." (1)

Last semester, I created an upper-level undergraduate course on Compassionate Nonviolent Communication. I came up with an idea after noting how frequently I heard students naming, blaming, and shaming themselves--saying things like "I'm a moron" or "I'm lazy" and labeling themselves with words such as "ugly," "stupid," "slow," and "foolish." They seemed to take their labels as facts. One student who frequently said "I'm stupid" started to see himself as "stupid" and another who frequently said "I'm ugly" began to think of herself as "ugly." This young woman later told me she had slashed her arm with a razor.

Out of curiosity, I asked my students how many knew someone who engaged in self-mutilating behaviors. Every student raised a hand. I asked about eating disorders and all students said they knew of someone with one or more eating disorders. These students also all admitted to frequently describing themselves with negative labels when talking to others or to themselves.

I decided to begin the course by focusing on these judgmental labels. If peace really begins at home, I needed to change the ways students spoke about themselves. If we could learn to speak about ourselves in more discerning, non-judgmental ways, imagine the changes that would naturally occur in ourselves, our families, ours communities, even in the country and the world.

I chose a model for nonviolent communication (NVC) provided by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Founder of the Center for Nonviolent Communication, author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. The NVC process teaches people how to resolve conflicts peacefully. With the help of NVC, we learn to work out differences between people, groups, and countries. (2)

NVC follows a simple four-step process--observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Dr. Rosenberg explains each step of the process:

1. Observations are "the concrete actions we are observing that are affecting our well-being."

2. Feelings involve "[h]ow we feel in relation to what we are observing."

3. Needs, the most important part of NVC, deal with "the needs, values, desires, etc., that are creating our feelings."

4. Requests refer to "[t]he concrete actions we request in order to enrich our life."

NVC enables us to meet the needs of others without sacrificing our own. As the subtitle (A Language of Life) of Rosenberg's book indicates, such nonviolent, compassionate communication represents not only a skill and a language, but also a way of thinking, and a way of living. It involves moving beyond black-and-white thinking to seeing all sentient beings as alive, interrelated, and worthy of our concern.

The first edition of Rosenberg's book contained no chapter on speaking to ourselves with empathy. His second edition includes one chapter on this subject, but less than two pages deal with how to speak to ourselves in empathic ways. In this brief section of the book, Rosenberg teaches readers how to empathize with both the "chooser" and the "educator" in us. Our "chooser" acted in the past in ways we now regret. Our "educator" deals with present feelings and needs. (3)

Let's look at an example. You painted your new apartment until 3:00 am. When you got home, you screamed at your wife. The chooser might say, "I felt exhausted and overwhelmed because I needed rest and understanding. I felt angry because I wanted acceptance." The educator might say, "I now feel angry at myself because I prefer to act with respect and cooperation."

Rosenberg has developed a useful model for giving ourselves empathy. He provides effective ways for speaking to ourselves less judgmentally. Many books recommend that we speak compassionately to ourselves, but few indicate how to do this as Rosenberg does.

While teaching Rosenberg's method of speaking to ourselves with empathy, I also told students to imagine that a friend said to them exactly what they said to themselves--how would they respond? In short, I taught the Golden Rule in reverse: Treat ourselves as we would treat others. Speak to ourselves as we would speak to others.

Still, I found the sheer magnitude of the problem quite overwhelming. Even after learning Rosenberg's method of giving empathy to the chooser and educator, several students almost daily told me they were "horrible," "disgusting," "foolish," "nerdy," and so forth. The students fell into a major trap; their word structure implied a one-to-one, direct, factual relationship between the subject (themselves) and the predicate (horrible, disgusting, etc.). How else could I teach students how to speak to themselves with kindness and in a way that reflects reality? Here, some methods that evolved from general semantics came to my rescue--especially the techniques of E-Prime and English Minus Absolutisms (EMA), which help reduce judgmental terms. I felt that if we succeed at finding more ways to teach students (and ourselves) how to stop naming, blaming, and shaming, then we can really say, "Peace begins at home."

E-Prime involves writing without using any form of the verb "to be." As I found with my students, saying "I am stupid" results in equating one's self with stupidity, leaving no room for other possibilities. Note the difference between "I am a jerk" and "I feel like a jerk." (4)

One reason for speaking or thinking in E-Prime stems from the assertion that using the verb "to be" results in identification and a sense of permanent, final, complete, sameness, which can lead to rigidity and stagnation of thinking. Such identification leads to dogmatic conclusions and generalizations, and to confusing the word with the thing. E-Prime, by eliminating "to be" verbs, forces the speaker to use active verbs, and changes what we say from a statement of "fact" to the description of a process or condition.

"Positive" labels have the same problems as "negative" ones. Saying "I'm beautiful" rather than "I'm ugly" still causes people to identify themselves with their looks. Saying "I accept myself as beautiful" fits the form of E-Prime, but not the spirit: "beautiful" becomes a fact rather than an evaluation. I have less concern about positive labels, however, because in my 26 years of teaching, I have not heard a single student say, "I'm beautiful" or "I accept myself as beautiful" while I've heard scores of students say, "I'm ugly."

Certainly, problems result when people identify themselves with their appearance (or any other quality). I've read of models and athletes who cannot deal with the normal processes of aging. Had they not defined themselves by their physical attributes, they might have had fewer of these problems.

English Minus Absolutisms (EMA) involves avoiding the use of absolutes such as the all-inclusive words ("always," "all," "every," etc.) and all-exclusive words ("never," "none," "nobody," etc.). When students say, "I'm a jerk," they usually imply the "always." Consider the different messages given by "I'm a jerk" versus "I acted like a jerk last night at the restaurant." Replacing the absolute language with the specific details orients the statement in time and place, providing context. Deleting absolute terms gives a more precise portrayal of reality, acknowledging that we never know everything, reinforcing that words and people change over time, and moving simplistic ideas closer to their actual complex realities. Removing the implied "always" prevents labeling (positive or negative) from crystallizing into identification. Changing the verbal construction also changes the cognitive processing and psychological effects inherent in the verbalization. (5)

Finally, I advocate deleting loaded words such as "idiot" or "stupid" that communicate judgment. Combining deletion of loaded words with E-Prime and English Minus Absolutisms gives us a three-step model which helps us make observations of experience--what we see, hear, taste, touch, and smell--rather than leaping to abstractions not relating to the facts. Replacing loaded words with less emotional, more precise words forces us to distinguish between subjective opinions and verifiable facts and to think in gradations rather than in black-and-white terms.

Consider the following example, an incident that actually happened to me. When I cut my finger while peeling a mango, I said to myself, "How stupid! I'm a jerk! I'm always screwing up." Later, when I used my three-step model, I said, "Last Thursday, when cutting a mango, I inadvertently pushed the knife into my finger; and I now have an infected finger." Once I started noticing it, I recognized that I labeled myself or called myself names far more often than I expected. While one incident of labeling may have limited effects, consider the cumulative effects over time.

Look at the differences in the wording of these examples:

** "I'm a pig" versus "I ate twice as much as I usually do at dinner tonight."

** "I'm slow" versus "I missed the green light on Main Street today."

** "I'm such an idiot" versus "I burnt my toast this morning."

** "I'm such a loner" versus "No one has sent me an instant message for the past two hours."

** "I'm too needy" versus "Sally chose not to get together with me tonight."

** "I'm a failure" versus "I received a grade of D on this chemistry test."

** "I'm such a klutz" versus "I knocked over a plant this morning."

** "I'm ugly" versus "I look tired today because I slept for only three hours last night instead of my usual seven."

** "I'm selfish" versus "I bought myself an extra pair of shoes at the mall today."

We can see by these examples that E-Prime and English Minus Absolutisms allow us to take a more empathic view of our own behavior, aligning our evaluations more closely to the process nature of life.

General semantics moves language study away from philological concerns and towards psychological ones. We study not only the instrument, but also the people using the instrument. We realize that we live in a process-oriented world with an ever-changing environment. We understand that a word's meaning does not come from something in the word, but from the ways we speak and hear and feel about the word.

Giving ourselves empathy by using E-Prime and English Minus Absolutisms helps enable two of Alfred Korzybski's "extensional devices"--indexing and dating. Indexing (Student[.sub.1] is not the same as Student[.sub.2]) helps us to notice, accept, and respect differences by indicating individuality despite similarities. Dating (Suzy Student[.sub.2005] differs from Suzy Student[.sub.2000]) helps us to orient language in space and time. Steve Stockdale, Executive Director of the Institute of General Semantics, writes about "13 Common Symptoms of Language Mis-Behavior." Using E-Prime and English Minus Absolutisms allows us to sidestep almost every one of the language mistakes he describes. (6)

At times, Dr. Rosenberg's nonviolent communication model does not work for me because I do not want a heart-to-heart relationship with some people. But, all of us need to have a heart-to-heart relationship with ourselves. We have no choice. We cannot make our inner voices shut up. Our lives will function more smoothly and happily when we develop a heartfelt partnership with ourselves. E-Prime, English Minus Absolutisms, and avoidance of judgmental words provide important steps in embracing and empowering the self.

Speaking to ourselves in judgmental, loaded, or derisive ways takes a cumulative toll. Name, blame, and shame make living a no-win game. When we act as our own enemy, we cannot see our uniqueness, the qualities that make us special human and humane beings. Rosenberg quotes Murray, the main character in the play, "A Thousand Clowns," arguing with social workers about placing his nephew in public school: "Before I give him over to you, I want to make sure he won't learn how to become one of the nice dead people.... I want him to get to know exactly the special thing he is or else he won't notice it when it starts to go. I want him to know the subtle, sneaky, important reason he was born a human being and not a chair." (7)

Unfortunately, most of us have learned to label ourselves. As babies, we do not speak negatively about ourselves, we do not label ourselves, we do not speak violently about ourselves. Somewhere along the way, we develop these destructive habits. But, what we learn, we can un-learn. We can change how we speak about ourselves in our self talk and in talking to others.

As someone trying to reduce her own negative labeling and name-calling, I admit that this three-step model I have proposed takes patience. As with Rosenberg's nonviolent communication process, reducing how often I label myself involves learning a new language. My model requires ongoing practice, but just think of the results! I cannot begin to express the healing and empowerment I feel from my efforts to become aware of, accept, and appreciate myself. Helping my students to fall in love with their "selves" represents the ultimate joy in teaching!

Speaking empathetically to ourselves necessarily translates into speaking empathetically to others. If we speak to ourselves with discrimination, compassion, and kindness, we will likely speak to others in the same ways. In other words, when we no longer speak to ourselves with violence, almost automatically we extend the meaning of the word "self." We see ourselves in others and others in ourselves. We glimpse the inherent interrelationship of all life forms.

I agree with the words of Thich Nhat Hanh, a Zen master, spiritual leader, and Nobel Peace Prize nominee, "We are not born to hold a gun, we are born to love. Love is the only weapon we need." To his comments I would add that nonviolence begins with loving speech towards ourselves, grounded in reality. By speaking to ourselves in affectionate, non-judgmental, and non-absolutist ways, we create a ripple effect, naturally creating more love in the world. (8)

When we communicate with love, integrity, authenticity, and compassion, we become less likely to label others and to speak in dogmatic generalizations. Rather than punish mistakes, we learn from them. We convert our judgments of ourselves (and others) into observations. How wonderful if E-Prime and English Minus Absolutisms can help us to see our uniqueness and to speak to ourselves with more compassion and accuracy!

NOTES

1. Stephen Levine, "Expressing Sacred Emptiness," audiotape, quoted in Margot Silk Forrest, A Short Course in Kindness. San Luis Obispo, CA: L.M. Press, 2003, pp.94-95.

2. Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press, 2003.

3. Rosenberg, pp. 133-134.

4. See, for example, D. David, Bourland, Jr., and Paul Dennithorne Johnston, eds., To Be or Not: An E-Prime Anthology. San Francisco, CA: International Society for General Semantics, 1991; Paul Dennithorne Johnston, D. David Bourland, Jr., and Jeremy Klein, eds., More E-Prime: To Be or Not II, Concord, CA: International Society for General Semantics, 1994; and D. David Bourland, Jr., and Paul Dennithorne Johnston, eds., E-Prime III!: A Third Anthology, Concord, CA: International Society for General Semantics, 1997, now available from the Institute of General Semantics. Also, Christopher G. Wren, "E-Prime, Briefly: A Lawyer's Experiment with Writing in E-Prime," ETC: A Review of General Semantics, Fall, 2003.

5. See, for example, Allen Walker Read, "Language Revision by Deletion of Absolutisms," ETC: A Review of General Semantics, Spring, 1985, pp.7-12.

6. Steve Stockdale, http://www.time-binding.org/about/13-common.htm.

7. Marshall B. Rosenberg, "Foreword," Don't Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others. Santa Rosa, CA: Author's Publishing Company, 2002, p.7.

8. Thich Nhat Hanh, Creating True Peace: Ending Violence in Yourself, Your Family, Your Community, and the World. New York: Free Press, 2003, p.57.

LOIS EINHORN*

* Lois Einhorn is a Professor of Rhetoric at Binghamton University. She has published 5 books and over 20 articles. You can learn about her latest book, Forgiveness and Child Abuse: Would YOU Forgive? at her website: LoisEinhorn.com.