"There. Sorry. Just ground some beans and made myself a double-decaf-no-fat-soy-milk latte.
"Now, if we may, let's get to the point here. Despite our surfer image, we're not totally dim. Obviously, our fifty-four electoral votes could have come in handy, making the whole Florida thing moot. Unfortunately, it was one of those things. Not meant to be. But just because we didn't vote for you doesn't mean we don't respect you as our true Commander in Chief. The time to put petty resentments aside is now. And the time to defrost the roast in the microwave is also now.
"Be right back, and I'll tell the kid to knock off the leaf blower while I'm at it.
"We're back. Straight out? We have problems. To be honest, Mr. President, we're cold. Not Minnesota-ears-break-off-from-frostbite cold, but shorts are not a viable indoors option anymore, which for us is tantamount to being sentenced to North Dakota. And we've got dark. Sudden dark. The worst kind. Imagine how you'd feel if your mother were on an elevator when, without warning, a rolling blackout struck, and she was penned in there with Hillary Clinton for a couple of hours.
"Just think of us as a friendly new neighbor knocking on your door asking to borrow a couple of gigawatts of sugar. Maybe you could personally confab with Kenneth Lay, chairman of Enron, and family friend. God knows, all it would take is a couple of kind words in his ear from you as a pal, and we could be back to wearing flip-flops and tank tops in no time. How `bout it? This isn't the Soviet Union. What's next, bread lines?
"And we're not talking gratis, either. Perfectly willing and able to pay for whatever we can get. We just need something now. Whatever you can spare. Diesel fuel. A couple of tanks of propane. Government-issued Ronson's lighter fluid. Anything. You want to raise exhaust emissions? No problem. Drop a derrick smack dab in the middle of Gray Davis's forehead, for all we care.
"Well, that's enough yakking. Get back as soon as you can. Catch up with us on the cell."
Q: So, what's the deal with Bill?
A: Apparently the Republicans are trying to impeach him again.
Q: Can they do that?
A: They can certainly have fun trying. Think of it as essentially the same impeachment, with a short intermission for some elections.
Q: Well, didn't he pardon felons?
A: Yes, of course he did. That's why they needed pardons. Because they were in jail. Besides, when you get right down to it, couldn't we all use a little pardoning now and then?
Q: But aren't people outraged by the sheer audacity of pardons-for-hire?
A: Oh, my God, lawyers being paid to lobby, what next? The Pacific Ocean moist?
Q: Shouldn't America be concerned with a guy like Marc Rich, who traded with the enemy?
A: You mean as opposed to Ronald Reagan, the President who traded with the enemy? And then Papa Bush goes and pardons Caspar Weinberger. And nobody said nothing.
Q: What about all the furniture and artwork Clinton swiped from the White House?
A: That's what happens when you leave a job. You strip the joint. It's a great American tradition.
Q: Don't you even think it's significant Roger Clinton had a list?
A: You mean, as opposed to a fixed address? Even his most strident detractors admit Roger wasn't paid, because apparently he's an idiot, and nobody on his list got pardoned. To be honest, I imagine folks came out of the woodwork like termites at an abandoned balsa wood factory trying to get their grubby little mitts on one of Unblushable Bill's endless supply of"Get Out of Jail Free" cards. Socks and Buddy had lists. I have a list. I can't get anybody to look at it, but I still have a list. And Heidi Fleiss heads it, if you must know.
Will Durst was recently kicked out of K-Mart for violating the dress code.
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|Title Annotation:||humor on energy crisis in California, and other topics|
|Article Type:||Brief Article|
|Date:||Apr 1, 2001|
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