UPN'S IDIOTIC 'CHAINS' IS BOUND TO TORTURE ITS VIEWERS.

Byline: - David Kronke

``Chains of Love,'' another new reality series premiering tonight on UPN, is from the brain trust that forced ``Big Brother'' on us. Clearly, their casting skills haven't improved since their last debacle.

The show is centered in a palatial mansion overlooking the ocean - quite a contrast to ``Big Brother's'' primary-color-blotched and IKEA-strewn abode. There, the ``Picker'' (an unfortunate term) is attached via awkward and genuinely ugly leather-bound chains to four ostensibly appealing members of the opposite sex. The ``Picker'' sheds one of these vixens/studs at intervals over four days.

The group leaves the house for antic-filled activities, but really, there's no reason. This joint is equipped with everything you'd need for a four-day holiday, including several pools and a bed big enough to hold five amoral singles.

The ``Picker'' also gets to decide how to divvy up a staggeringly dinky $10,000 among the participants.

Our ``Picker'' tonight is Andy, a stunt man given to randomly insulting those in his harem, apparently without provocation, and wackily and unexpectedly dragging his charges into the sundry pools in the house. Andy's one of those guys who ruthlessly berates women while telling them how much he cares for them - you can just see the years of therapy ahead for anyone who gets into a serious relationship with him.

When the group hits the sack (each chastely clad in sweats, though still chained together), Andy notes, ``Sleeping with four women - I'll probably never get this chance again in my life.''

Probably? What planet does he live on? Dude, if this show gets a sizable viewership, you'll be lucky if a homeless mutt lets you pet it.

Vying for his hand (and other body parts) are Nicki, who says, ``I have a body that won't quit'' (nonetheless, Andy finds her lacking in self- confidence), and Vanessa, a self-described ``outspoken intellectual'' (we get a glimpse of her reading a book to underscore the point). Andy finds her abrasive.

There are also Amy and Kerstin, two interchangeable and emotionally overwrought blondes. They think they're better off because they're handcuffed closer to Andy, who's in the middle of the bunch. Actually, they just don't have a free hand or leg and they're that much more in peril of getting sucked into a black hole of ego.

Montages of banal debauchery - guzzling champagne in Jacuzzis in skimpy swimwear, dancing seductively, massages and other random groping - are juxtaposed with scenes in which Andy insults his potential paramours or they insult him. The most shocking aspect of tonight's episode is the avalanche of earnest therapy-speak that tumbles from the mouths of these monumentally self-absorbed dolts.

Not enough is learned about the women that the viewer would have any emotional investment in the outcome. At least with ``Temptation Island,'' the same participants returned week after week, escalating our contempt for them so we could enjoy their selnduced psychological abuse. Here, a different ``Picker'' and entourage appear each week with only a scant 45 minutes to make an impression.

Interrupting the mirthless proceedings from time to time is the show's most over-the-top touch. ``The Locksmith,'' a burly man with a grim countenance, menacing black wardrobe and ominous sunglasses (even at night), appears whenever it's time for the ``Picker'' to eject one of the menagerie.

``The Locksmith'' then drives the ejectee off in a black SUV, as she vents about what a jerk Andy is. These sequences are executed in a foreboding manner, suggesting that ``The Locksmith'' is the terminator. (After being in such close proximity to Andy, they might just welcome him.)

Here's what I say: Dump the whole show but give ``The Locksmith'' his own series, set in a surreal, post-apocalyptic nether-realm in which all of humanity is chained to one another in clumps of four and five. When hapless, ill-fated individuals become no longer useful to their groups, it becomes ``The Locksmith's'' gruesome task to remove and discreetly eliminate them.

First up: UPN's board of executives.

``CHAINS OF LOVE''

What: What, indeed. Reality series chaining masses of singles together in an ostensible quest for romance.

Where: UPN (Channel 13)

When: 8 p.m. Tuesdays.

Our rating: One star.