UNHANDY DAD DREADS THOSE CHRISTMAS TOOLS.

Byline: GARY M. GALLES Local View

WHAT can we get Dad? The perennial Christmas question leaves many at a loss for an answer beyond ugly ties. But tools have become an increasingly common choice. And to inspire the Santas in their audience, marketers sing the praises of a myriad of tools ``necessary'' for the home handyman.

Unfortunately, however, that marketing doesn't address the toolboxes of the unhandy, who shudder at the phrase ``some assembly required'' and panic at any job complex enough to require instructions (as if we would read them). Our relationship with tools is far different from that of handymen.

If you are unhandy, you never have the right tool for the job. Since the cost of having a complete set of tools you never intend to use clearly exceeds the benefits, when an emergency forces you into the handyman role, you don't have the necessary gadget.

A further consequence is that, to abuse Hamlet, ``always a borrower; never a lender be.'' Since you don't have the right tools - and don't want to buy them - you prey on neighbors' toolboxes. Professionals, who learn to leave their tools at work, and neighborhood handymen, who learn not to be home when you knock, are particularly at risk.

If you can borrow the right tool, you have little incentive to return it, as the same emergency might arise again - especially since the odds that you fixed it right the first time are slim. Since your borrowing victims also know this, with the right ``pity me'' approach, you can sometimes even borrow your neighbor along with his tools, since that is the only way he can be sure to get the tools back when the job is done.

Failing to lay hands on neighbors' tools, you use the tool closest in intended use to what you need - e.g., your heaviest wrench in the absence of a hammer. You also bought the cheapest tools you could find because you didn't intend to use them much, so you often get broken tools. Then, in desperation, you turn to the kitchen and the sewing box, using knives as screwdrivers and even the good scissors as a knife.

Despite having few tools, unhandymen have messy toolboxes. Real handymen find it worth the effort not only to use the right tool, but also to put it back where it belongs. Most appalling to the unhandy are those with pegboards outlining tool locations. Those who hope never to touch tools again are much less careful. This negligence leads to a proliferation of incomplete tool sets, as crucial sockets and drill bits soon go to tool heaven. It also leads to having too many simple tools, since each one already in the house was misplaced and forgotten the last time it was used, and a new one must be bought.

Further, since unhandymen have no organized place for the remnants of various chores - such as instructions they ignored but think they might read if the emergency just past has a sequel, miscellaneous ``what did this go to?'' plumbing pieces, and the stolen kitchen utensils - they end up thrown away (in which case they are soon needed) or dumped into the toolbox, which is why there is a heightened risk of getting impaled every time they reach in. This also leads to an overflowing toolbox that cannot be shut or easily moved, which, in turn, eventually leads to the inability even to find the toolbox under the avalanche of junk thrown in the garage to avoid putting it where it belongs.

This Christmas, there is a cornucopia of tools available for every conceivable do-it-yourself purpose. But remember that many of us dads pray fervently to avoid ever facing any such project. And, after all, when you think about it, ugly ties have their charm. As the unhandyman you are shopping for will tell you, it's the thought (of the extra work that a new tool implies) that counts.