True tales of a traveling comedian.

Confessor: Suzanne Westenhoefer Favorite travel film: National Lampoon's Vacation ("Because it is exactly what happens--except for the almost-sex with Christie Brinkley in the pool.") Pet peeve: Taking off my shoes at the airport. ("Most likely I am wearing sneakers that have glitter on them or are lime-green. I am not a terrorist!")

Home base: Los Angeles 

If you're performing on an Olivia cruise and someone wants to get mentioned in your act, what can they do? If we're going into the island to go on a tour, and you're the one that falls down the side of the volcano, I'm going to talk about you. On a ship especially, because we're all sort of in it together; if something happens to you, everyone is going to know about it, so I'm definitely going to do some thing about it. No one is safe from that.

Do you have celebrity sightings when you're traveling?

I got on a little tiny plane once on a flight from San Francisco to Modesto, and all of a sudden this huge, I mean huge, man checks in. It's Lou Ferrigno, the man who played the Incredible Hulk on TV. There were 12 of us on the plane, and they had to shift all our seats because of him. And people didn't know if they wanted to get on the plane. Watching him trying to sit in his seat, all I could think was, If you're Lou Ferrigno, drive a friggin' car! And once I saw Candice Bergen at the airport, and I almost passed out. She was right beside me. I couldn't speak. Oh, my God, she's so beautiful.

What's the funniest thing that's happened to you in transit? I was in horrific turbulence from Los Angeles to Dallas. As soon as it calmed down I went to the bathroom, and when I was in the bathroom the turbulence started again. But I was going to the bathroom. And that right came on that said, you have to go back to your seat, and I was like, I can't really go right now. And I the flight attendant took her seat, which is right outside the toilet, and I heard her say, "Ma'am, just stay in there," And I'm like, What! And so i'm in there, I'm not kidding, like 14 minutes, and then I'm thinking, If we slam into a mountain, I don't want to be here with my pants around my ankles. So I'm holding on with one hand and with the other hand I'm pulling up my jeans, and the plane took a real big lurch and threw me, and I made a noise, and she went, "Ma'am! I said stay in there!"