Trouble in sibling paradise.

Has your sib turned into a total nightmare? Feeling pressured to be perfect, worried your rep is ruined or that your parents have forgotten who you are? Chances are, you can't change the sitch--but you can change how you react.

Your 17-year-old brother Josh is just plain trouble. He skips school constantly and, on the handful of days. he does show up, he's either mouthing off or getting into big-time, black-eye fights. When he's home, he's always way disrespectful to the 'rents. He's failing 11th grade and, last week, the police brought him home because he tagged some graffiti on the side of a building

Your parents are beside themselves. They've, tried ever thing--counseling for the disrespect, tutoring for his grades, grounding for bad behavior. Nothing works. Your parents are worried and frustrated. And understandably so.

You're not doing so well yourself. First off, Josh is an embarrassment. You're worried his heinous behavior will give you a had rep. You're doing great in school, always have, and you're never in any trouble (though you sense some people assume you are). And, regardless of your success, you get no attention or encouragement from the 'rents. They're so busy keeping track of your brother, they hardly have time to hear about your winning goal. It gets a girl wondering-- maybe you should bend some rules, too. Maybe a couple skipped, classes. Perhaps that would spark your parents interest?

OK, trouble's not your style. But it can be lonely when a stellar report card barely gets you a pat on the hack. Worse yet, if your report card isn't so perfect you can see the disappointment in their eyes. You can almost hear them say, But wait. You're the' perfect one. ..." Now, that's a lot of stuff for one gal to handle, Sure, you care about your sib-but, his issues are seriously messing up your life.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

If Josh sounds like your brother or sister, you know how tough a troubled sib can bc. It can be hard not to pass judgment or place blame--but understanding what's going on might help you deal a bit better.

Skipping school, shoplifting from The Gap, being disrespectful to authority figures, sneaking out, lying, drinking, smoking, starting fights, or doing anything else that breaks the rules or the law hints at a deeper issue.

When teens are depressed, anxious, insecure, angry, frustrated or just plain feeling crummy inside, they often act out as a way of expressing negative feelings. Sometimes it's an unconscious attempt to divert their real feelings or to derail people's attention from what's going on deep down. Being bad usually isn't a conscious choice. Kids don't think, "I feel really left out, so I'm going to pick a fight." It's not that simple.

And that's what makes nixing the negative behavior so hard. Nobody can physically force your brother to go to class. And even if they were to tie him to his chair, that's not fixing the prob--it's just stopping a symptom. It'd be like putting a Band-Aid on a broken arm.

PARENTAL PRESSURE

Dealing with a troubled sibling is hard on the whole family. Think about what your 'rents are facing. They're under a mountain of pressure to figure out what's going on with your sib, get him help and perhaps deal with the school or the law. More than likely, many people fault your parents for your sib's behavior. They might wonder, "Why can't they control him?" Chances are your folks have missed work, spent hours talking with teachers and counselors, and used valuable time being distracted by the situation.

BUT WAIT! WHAT ABOUT ME?

This is not to say you don't need some attention too. You come home from school, all jazzed because you got a 98 percent on your earth science midterm--only your mom's not home. Where is she? In yet another meeting with your brother's guidance counselor!

As hard as this might seem, try putting yourself in your parents' place. Do you really think she likes being called to the principal's office? Wouldn't she rather be giving you props for that 98--and seeing your bro get his act together, too? Do not take her absence as a personal insult. Try to be extra-supportive of your mom and dad. They're struggling with a lot of different emotions, just like you are.

BIRDS OF A FEATHER 

Other than feeling ignored, you might feel attacked--guilty before proven innocent. What if your parents are so burned out by your sister's chronic lying, cheating and stealing that they automatically assume you're a bad seed, too? Even though you've never given your 'rents the slightest reason to worry, you might pay an unfair price for your sib's mistakes. Your folks could give you a super-strict curfew, search your room or be absolutely convinced your buds are creepy delinquents.

This can be tough to shake. Your parents are obviously so worried about your sis that they're not taking chances on you--so they might hold you prisoner as a result of her bad behavior. If you make a mini mistake, they might go off because they're certain it's a sign of worse things to come.

But even though you and your sib are being raised by the same folks and spend loads of time under the same roof, you have the power to make your own decisions. Be proud of doing what's right, and remind your parents of responsible decisions you've made in the past. Don't obsess that you'll wake up one day as a chain-smoking, snarling, self-destructive monster clone of your sibling. Stay on the same straight path, proving that you and your sister are two entirely different people. Resist the urge to become a rotten seed just because you think your parents expect it anyway. If you do your best not to turn your living room into The Jerry Springer Show, good behavior should work in your favor.

In some cases, timing might be everything. It's best to avoid hitting them up for a later curfew when they've been up calling your sister's friends because she didn't come home...again.

DEAL WITH HOW YOU FEEL

Whether you think you're being judged harshly for your sib's stuff or it's like you're totally invisible, your feelings count big-time. So share them with your folks. They love you tons and probably want to know if you're bummed. They need to know how your sib's disruptions are affecting you.

Choose a time when your parents aren't buried in your sib's probs. Present yourself honestly, without getting mad. Don't raise your voice or act all bratty--you don't want your 'rents to think you deserve to be kept on a short leash.

By letting your folks know you get what's going on, you open up an opportunity for some important give-and-take. And if you've landed a part in your school's production of Guys and Dolls, tell them how much you want them to get front-row seats. Soon, you and your parents should be able to help each other get through the rough stuff a whole lot easier.

HELP THE CREW GET A CLUE

What if your sib's troubles are infesting your social life? Maybe your sibling full-on disses you in front of your crew. Or maybe he's not straight-up sabotaging you, but his trouble-making rep is rubbing off on you. Would-be buds don't want to be within a two-mile radius of you for fear you're a wild child, too. And, yes, it's completely unfair. That's why it's important to show everyone what you're really all about, without ripping on your sib. Sounds tough to swing, but it's seriously no sweat. You can totally do it.

Buds worth having will never measure your worth by your sib's actions. You accept people for who they are, right? So expect other people to do the same for you. True friends know you well enough not to blow you off because of your sib. Obviously, though, some classmates don't know you so well. How can you get them to see you as unique from your sib?

Show 'em that you're a rocking individual. Immerse yourself in cool activities you really dig. Use your expert backhand to lead your school tennis team to victory. Speak your mind by excelling in the debate club. Express yourself by writing for the school newspaper. Do what you really love to do, and your actions will speak loud and proud about what an awesome chick you are!

If, despite your best efforts, you find yourself in an awkward situation because of your sib, don't flip! Say you're having lunch with some new buds, and one of the girls totally busts on your brother's bad behavior. No matter what, don't join them in trashing your bro. First, try changing the subject. If that doesn't work, say something like, "Well, my brother does his thing, and I do mine. You can point out the differences between you and your sib without airing your family's private biz.

If you have problems with teachers expecting the worst from you, handle the situation similarly. Most teachers are smart enough not to group sibs like bananas from the same bunch. But you might come across a few who have had it especially difficult with your sib and have subsequently put you under a magnifying glass. The best way to beat this misconception is to do your very best in class. Study hard, show up on time, be polite, and be yourself. A good attitude and solid work will go a long way in distinguishing you as a total winner. Any fair teacher can appreciate your perfect attendance record--even if your brother is the school's king of cutting class.

YOU CAN'T FIX IT

When someone you love is in megatrouble, he needs to see a pro, like a therapist, who can help him get at the root of the problem. It's not up to you to try to figure out what's going on inside your sib's head! It's unlikely your sib will 'fess his feelings to the fam. Chances are, he has no clue he's miserable inside.

Yes, you worry, but your bro (or sis) must be responsible for his actions...and his reactions to getting help. Also, it's one thing to be tolerant of your sib but quite another to excuse any form of physical violence or emotional cruelty. If your sib hurts or threatens you with scary words, you must tell an adult.

And, if your sib hangs out with a particularly creepy crew who join in on the trash-talking or threaten you in any way, bringing such behavior to your parents' attention is crucial. Make it clear you don't want to rat out your sib but that you feel intimidated by his buds.

Your sib can only get the appropriate help if your parents know everything that's going on. So don't feel like a snitch--you're not selling out your sib by speaking up about an out-of-hand situation. Do not blame yourself for your sibling's (or his friends') actions.

TAKE CARE OF NO. 1

There's only so much concern you can show before you need to totally redirect your focus on taking care of yourself Worrying about somebody else's problems can really suck up your energy. That's not to say you shouldn't be as supportive as you can--you just can't forget about taking care of you!

Above all else, keep your own sweet self covered. This is actually the best way you can help your sib. Why's that? Because just by being terrific, balanced, happy you, you give your sib inspiration--no matter how subtle. Leave the specifics of dealing with your sib's problems to the adults.

Lend an ear to your folks when they need to let off steam about your sib's issues, but open up to your 'rents when you need to cut loose as well. Love your sib, but don't get so wrapped up in his issues that you ignore your own needs, forget to have fun or stop dreaming big about your future. Live your life to the absolute fullest! Promise?