Transform hurt into healing: fighting back from grief's dark door.

A woman, desperate for emotional relief, wrote to an advice columnist, asking for help and guidance.

Anonymously signing herself as "Grieving in L.A.," the writer explained that her best friend had died from cancer "She was only 27 and was the friend I had searched for all my life. We shared everything."

As the cancer progressed, the ill woman asked her friend, "Am I dying?" Her friend always replied that she was not. "For reasons I will never understand, her mother, husband, and physician had decided it was better not to tell her that she was going to die soon," the writer explained. "I am still consumed with guilt for having concealed the truth from my friend. I am nervous all the time and have trouble concentrating and sleeping. The depression overwhelms me." She concluded her missive with these words: "Please help me."

Although it had been nearly a year since her friend's death, Grieving in L.A. was still loaded down with powerful feelings of guilt and regret. Her experience is not an unusual one. People who are unable to successfully navigate life's losses find themselves dragging a heavy burden on life's journey. Yet it is possible to experience loss, manage it, and resume the joy of living. Here are some strategies for effectively dealing with unresolved loss and turning hurting into healing.

Recognize the signs and symptoms. The repercussions of unresolved losses can manifest themselves in various ways. To begin the healing process, learn to recognize the signs and symptoms of unresolved loss.

In his book Making Peace With Your Past author and psychiatrist Harold Bloomfield cites the following as the most common signs that a loss remains unresolved:

Depression, which reveals itself in the form of emptiness, helplessness, and hopelessness.

Physical problems such as sleep disturbance, lethargy, and various aches and pains

Loneliness, which is often an act of self sabotage, exhibited by keeping people at a distance for fear of experiencing another loss.

Cynicism and bitterness. This is an attitude of severe mistrust, summed up in phrases such as "You can't trust anyone" or "People are basically out for themselves."

Extreme reaction to present losses. The original loss triggers excessive anguish over each new loss, even a minor one.

Fear of abandonment, which can cause a person to remain in an unhealthy or inappropriate relationship.

Belligerence, as seen in argumentative, defensive, angry outbursts.

Guilt and regret, often exhibited in self-torturing statements using phrases such as: "lf only ..." and "l should have ..."

Fear People with unresolved loss issues can be inordinately timid, hesitant, and resistant to taking even modest risks.

Overromanticizing, as evidenced in a constant rehashing of the past or a perpetual clinging to the "good old days."

Addiction to drugs and alcohol in an attempt to numb the pain.

Name the pain. After considering the signs and symptoms, carefully identify which one(s) impact you. Then, deal directly with the issue. For example, if you face addiction, promptly seek out treatment and/or get involved with a 12-step program such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. If you are plagued with physical problems, make an appointment with your physician. If you face fear, guilt, regret, depression, etc., find a skilled therapist who can guide you. Such an experienced expert can assess the depth of the pain quickly and can help you immediately begin to break the downward spiral of unresolved loss.

Trust in God's goodness. The divine intent is for healing. God doesn't want you to spend your life struggling with pain. He created you to heal from your hurts. Carefully, prayerfully, consider these passages: "I will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal" (Jeremiah 30:17). * "The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their cry.... The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:15-18). "You [God] have been a refuge to the poor, a refuge to the needy in their distress, a shelter from the rainstorm and a shade from the heat" (Isaiah 25:4). "I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak" (Ezekiel 34:16).

Allow these types of scriptures to bring you comfort and hope and lead you to trust more in God's goodness. Remember that your heavenly Father is able and eager to heal your wounds and will do just that.

Forgive yourself. When you are engaged with an inner struggle and are experiencing an emotional civil war within yourself, tap into the power of self-forgiveness. In his book Living With Loss, Healing With Hope, Rabbi Earl Grollman writes: "Guilt may eat away at your insides. You writhe with shame as you recall words of scorn and impatience, acts of exasperation and anger. Why didn't you show your love more truly? Why did you let trivial annoyances mar your enjoyment of your loved one's companionship? ... You wish you could make amends for all the wrongs you committed, all the things you should have said and done. What is past is past. It cannot be changed. All of us let loving feelings go unexpressed. All of us fail people who care about us. Accept your fallibility ... all you can do is to avoid in the future what you regret in the past ... now you must learn how to forgive yourself."

Make prayer your life preserver. The Bible consistently reminds people to pray, and adds the assurance that God hears and answers. The prophet Isaiah writes: "You shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry for help, and he will say, Here I am" (Isaiah 58:9). Similarly, the book of Jeremiah contains the promise: "When you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you" (Jeremiah 29:12). Ask for God's help with your issue of unresolved loss. Studies show that prayer, spirituality, and religious faith contribute to depression recovery--often in dramatic ways.

One study done at Duke University in Durham, North Carolina, found that seriously depressed people who had a strong spiritual focus in their lives recovered 70 percent faster than those who had no spiritual resources.

Seek support. When dealing with unresolved loss issues, don't go it alone. Find others who are traveling a similar path and join them, There are countless self-help support groups in every community. Locate one that addresses your issue, and participate. There you will gain access to new information, new experiences, new support, and many new friends who will provide encouragement. To find a support group, check with your doctor or spiritual leader or call a counseling center. Most counseling centers will have information about support groups in an area.

Cultivate a grateful heart. Even though you are suffering pain and hurt, work at cultivating gratitude. Along with a realization of what is missing in your life, try to identify what is good and worthwhile. "Be thankful for your problems" is the surprisingly blunt advice offered by Bernie Siegel, M.D., in his book Prescriptions for Living. He supports his statement by telling the story of a woman with cancer who decided to quit treatment because the side effects were making her feel horrible. "You could die. Cancer has side effects too," her doctor complained. "I went home," the woman said, "and I learned about cancer's side effects, and found that some of them are wonderful." Her list of cancer's positive side effects included: the faith she rediscovered; the work she did on herself; the relationships she repaired after her illness gave her a wake-up call.

Be part of a faith community. After dropping out of church for many years, Carmen Renee Berry returned to a faith community. She explains why: "When a friend committed suicide, I realized I could become s too cynical, too lost, and too alone, I needed a church, a community of believers. I needed to live in my faith.... Something happens there that simply doesn't when you're alone in prayer or on the Internet. My faith is enhanced and enlarged when in relationship to other less-than-perfect human beings," she says.

Give it to God, one day at a time. When you feel frustrated and discouraged with your progress or lack thereof, remember to turn your life and worries over to God, one day at a time. You can reduce the pain of the past and the fear of the future by committing to living your life one day at a time. Rather than be mired in the past or intimidated by the future, try to live fully in the present by giving your life to God one day at a time.

Consider these wise words from author Susan L. Taylor: "Worry is negative energy that blocks insight and inspiration and blinds us to the evidence of God's endless giving. In this seeing is believing culture, it's difficult to perceive the perfection in all things or to see the truth that the universe is always working on our behalf. No matter how bad things appear, God is always preparing you for something better. The Holy Spirit breaks down the old to make room for what's new and different and coming your way. When you face challenges, trust God to do what God does all day, every day; fix things."

* All Bible quotations in this article are from the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible. copyright [c] 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the U.S.A. Used by permission.

Victor M. Parachin, M. Div., is a Canadian-born minister, published author, and freelance writer living in Tulsa, Oklahoma.