Toys That Kill.

THANK SATAN, ALLAH... JAH! WE FINALLY GOT a new band that rocks! Not so fast you bling-bling heads, I don't mean "rocks!" in a Limp Bizkit way. The only time the guys in Toys That Kill yank their wankers is when they're clearing their urethras. How do they rock you ask? Well, they remind me of the Clash, RFTC, Foo Fighters, and a little taste of Jawbreaker without horkin' any riffs. I'm not a big fan of slow songs but the two they got on the record would appease the drunkest of sailors. Speaking of alesloshing pirates, let's talk about this TTK vessel.

Casey plays bass and has radical hair. Born and raised in San Pedro CA, his mom is down with Saccharin Trust, the Minute Men, and Black Flag. When Casey was growing up these bands would be over for dinner (punker than you!). Troy's the drummer who rocks as hard as the old one did. He's 20 and bangs outta South Gate; the only guy not from Pedro. Sean rips the guitar and sings on a few hits. He used to be in FYP but don't hold "it" against him, unless you're a hot chick (get it?). Todd plays another guitar and sings on the rest of the hits. You know, the guy skating all good a long time ago with lots of pee-pee? He too was in FYP and makes millions off of his record company, Recess. That's where you can get the TTK CD/LP The Citizen Abortion. Go buy it; you won't be disappointed. Better yet, just get a shirt you fuckin' poser. Read on as Andy makes people who don't really want to talk about skateboarding talk about it. It's funny.

-Alan Velasco

I don't wanna talk about that, man.

I think so... I don't remember.

Virginia Beach or Texas or something.

Yeah, I wanna say it was Virginia Beach, but I don't know. God damnit, man! We're gonna look like idiots! Are we really doing this right now?

Probably, or probably not...

We had some high-five moments, sure.

I pulled a couple...

Almost. It's getting to that point over at Recess--having to suck dick just to make ends meet.

Yes, I did. I almost broke my neck. I saw Jeff Grosso not too long ago and he just recently learned the McTwist.

It doesn't matter. You go through life and on your death bed you ask yourself, "Did I pull the "Twist?" Now Grosso can say he did.

When I saw him he was showing his friend the broken arm he got from trying them.

It's actually harder after you pull that trick. Not that I know, I'm just saying that it takes a lot more than some little geek-ass motherflicker who comes fresh outta high school and busts his ass to learn this trick that Mike McGill--of all motherfuckers--invented.

Yeah! That trick is really named after Ronald McDonald, but McGill took the glory. I don't know, fuck Mike McGill anyway.

It's a lot funner to hang up on one of those than a McTwist, you know.

Sean: My favorite trick is frontside 5-0s on curbs really fast. Carving... My best trick? I think probably those layback 360 cess-slides.

You mean on the flatground

S: Well, I could go to any park where dudes are doing 100-foot airs and kickflip grabs, but when I hit the bank ramp with the old layback 360 cess-slide those dudes are awestruck.

T: You just ride away pointing at them. It smells like piss. Did somebody pee on me?

S: Another real eye-catcher is when I pull out the ollie airwalk.

Do you kick out both legs on those? I can't really get the full airwalk kick when I do them.

Fully extended, dude. (Sean splits to the store just as Casey comes out of the house).

Casey, what's your best trick?

Casey: What? Powerslides. I can't really do anything... I can roll.

Well that's the best trick of all.

T: Hey, I think I figured out a vert trick I might have invented.

Oh yeah? what?

T: Alley-oop backside big spin lipslide on vert. Challenge that shit. Challenge it. These kids today could probably do it in a heartbeat, but I did it 10 years ago. I should be having the million bucks. All these mother-fuckers on McDonald's commercials--I'm fuckin' 20 grand in debt. Who wants to give me some of their money? They owe me.

Where's Mike Smith?

Not doing Ape Rock, not doing potato grinds.

Jack (random porch guy): Was Hosoi a Christian the whole time?

No, he just turned into one when he got jailed.

J: But what about those Christ-Airs? He had those.

Maybe he didn't realize it, kie it was subliminal or something.

T: He was doing Christ-Airs for the Lord before he ever knew he was working for the Lord.

You skated for Hosoi's company at one point didn't you?

T: Yeah, but I'm not supposed to talk about that.

T: Yeah, he's totally innocent.

T: It doesn't matter. He's innocent. I like Christ, man--not Christ the Lord, Christ Hosoi. Christianity will fade away, but Hosoi will remain.

T: Is that a fragrance?

T: I know, that guy from the video game. Big Peter Gabriel fan I heard.

T: The old "turning the phones back on" at Recess...to fakie.

T: Yeah, and of course nobody would buy it. Another Congelliere thing that nobody buys.

Andy Harris