Tips for making writing easier: Part 7: simplifying a convoluted draft: most convoluted drafts can be improved by going for the simple word, breaking up complex sentences, and turning some passive constructions into active voice.

Last month, we looked at ways to tone up a chatty or sloppy draft to make it more precise and professional. But your problem may be the opposite: your first drafts may tend to be convoluted, with overly fancy words and complex, long sentences that are hard to read. In this column, we will look at three simple ways to fix such common problems.

SIMPLE WORDS

One easy way to make your piece shorter and more energetic is to replace long, Latin-based words such cognizant or possess with shorter, simpler ones such aware or have. Here are some other stuffy expressions and their simpler versions:

* a sufficient number of (enough)

* afford an opportunity to (allow)

* in reference to (about)

* provide a means whereby (enable)

* pursuant to these guidelines (under these guidelines)

* remunerate/remuneration (pay)

* render assistance to (help, assist)

Some of your fancy words may also invite misunderstanding. For instance, exceptionable means objectionable, and is not to be confused with exceptional (= out of the ordinary). Since readers may not know the difference, it's best to stay clear of such dangerous words altogether.

SIMPLE SENTENCE CONSTRUCTIONS

Take a look at your sentences. Do many haw more than two clauses or span more than two lines? Then break up some of them--at least those with more than one thought. Here is an example:

   Visual and miscroscopy inspections on the samples,
   which were coated with three coats of Formulation I
   and dried in an IR oven at 300[degrees]F after each coating,
   indicated that samples 1-6 had very good surface quality,
   and they also passed the tape adhesion test, while
   gloss was somewhat lower than in the control sample.

This sentence boasts four clauses and several thoughts. to You might break it up into three sentences:

   Visual and microscopic inspections of the samples
   showed that samples 1-6 had very good surface quality
   but somewhat lower gloss than the control sample.
   They also passed the tape adhesion test. These samples
   had been given three coats of Formulation 1 and were
   dried in an IR oven at 300[degrees]F after each coating.

ACTIVE VERBS 

One weakness in almost all business writing is overuse of the passive voice, as in

   The study, which had been requested by management
   a year ago, was completed by the team in late May.

Simply state who does what (active voice) rather than what was done (passive), unless knowing the agent is of no interest to the reader. It cuts out words and avoids many grammar errors introduced by the passive voice. The example then becomes

   The team completed the study, which management
   had requested a year ago, in late May.

Similarly, the 14-word passive sentence

   It is recommended that this matter be brought up at
   the next safety meeting.

becomes the clearer 11-word active sentence

   We recommend taking up this matter at the next team
   meeting.

Your readers will thank you!

Cheryl and Peter Reimold have been teaching communication skills to engineers, scientist, and businesspeople for 20 years. Their firm, PERC Communications (telephone [phone], e-mail [e-mail]), offers businesses consulting and writing services, as well as customized in-house courses on writing, presentation skills, and on-the-job communication skills. Visit their website at www.allaboutcommunication.com.