Three-Day Weekend: Vans Triple Crown, Oceanside, CA. Oct. 4-7.

HOW TO END UP WITH A CONTEST ARTICLE SO BAD, EVEN THRASHER WON'T PRINT IT.

1. Miss the first two days. This way you won't be able to refer to any one's qualifying runs or the practice sessions. It's always interesting to write about the skaters who were ripping during practice and then choked in the finals. Don't worry about missing the girl's events because nobody ever gives them credit anyway.

2. Compile the Does Geoff Rowley wear underpants while he skates survey you took with your friends instead of getting final results of the event.*

3. During the Best Trick/Expression Session, daydream about the guys walking around with their shirts off. Fantasies will distract you from seeing Chris Senn, Barley, Eric Koston, and Tony Trujillo battle it out.* ('#2 and #3 only apply to you if you're girl. Or goy.)

4. When passing out Thrasher stickers, make the little skaters chant your name and say things like "You're number one!" You'll feel like the most popular kid around, and you won't be able to hear Dave Duncan spouting out vital commentary. Taking notes on who landed what trick would have helped you write a more interesting article.

5. Go to Bub's Dive Bar for a mid-day drinking contest involving a straw, a breathalizer, and four of your friends during 15-year-old Bastien's run (look up the definition of irony and see #9 now). You'll miss out on his flawless kickflip 5-0s, huge backside 180 flips, and bigspin kickflips over the hip. You might make it back to see him land a kickflip front board down the 11-stair. Make sure you're too drunk to be amazed that he still won 1st place even though the KFB came after his time had run out.

6. Wait in line four times to enter the Vans party, so you can receive our times as many free drink tickets. You'll end up getting completely wasted and doing stupid things (see #7 and #8).

7. Force people who are more sober than you into a playing "Bloody Knuckles." You'll undoubtedly cripple your writing hand.

8. Black out so you can't remember any of the Consolidated pros getting drunk and doing stupid things. Stories about skaters acting like idiots are important elements to every contest article.

9. While in route to an Ed Templeton art show, make a wrong turn onto a military base where they do "routine vehicle searches." Watch as a military jock brings an Oceanside police officer over to you after finding a bottle of Absolut in the back seat. Complete your field sobriety tests without failure and then blow a .08 (the legal limit for BAC while driving) into the officer's breathalizer. Spend the next 10 hours in the drunk-tank with four completely wasted women, freezing your ass off while trying to sleep on a wooden bench. When you are finally released in the morning you'll be a complete wreck and too busy worrying about getting a lawyer to see Mike McGill win the Master's Bowl, Cab's 2nd place run, or Tony Magnussen holding it up for 3rd.

10. Walk around trying to scam free product instead of watching the vert finals. You'll miss Andy Mac slam his way into 4th and Bob Burnquist becoming $18,000 richer.

11. Get caught trying to fool the editors by including a bunch of high lights you stole from articles on the Internet.