Three's a Crowd for Sleeping

Q. We have an 11-year-old daughter who is anxious about sleeping in her own bedroom by herself. Out of the five in our family, she's the only one who sleeps alone. Our two sons share a room and obviously we, her parents, have each other's company. We've addressed this issue and allowed our dog to sleep in the same room with her for comfort. We also know she has a fear of fires, since she has seen two homes (not ours) badly burned. We've talked her through this fear and she says it is no longer bothering her. She says she just wants to sleep with other people in the room. This problem has been going on for more than a year. Just when we think we're done with the problem, it arises again, but the reasons for her anxieties change. It could be her bed, the sound of birds chirping, or some other reason.

We feel she has anxiety issues and needs to overcome them. Are we being too tough on her to expect her to sleep in her own room alone? We feel it's important that she doesn't allow her anxieties to control her and should address these issues. She wants to take a baby-sitting course and begin baby-sitting. However, I'm not comfortable allowing her to take care of younger children if she still has these anxieties. What do you think? Any suggestions as to how we can handle this problem?

A. First, let me assure you, you're not being too tough on your daughter. She should certainly have learned to sleep alone by her age, and she will need to become more courageous before taking on baby-sitting responsibilities. If she's motivated to baby-sit, that could also facilitate her to build courage.

It isn't uncommon for children to go through stages of being fearful at bedtime, and many children, even teenagers, become temporarily frightened after witnessing house fires. It's the kind of visual imagery that's difficult to eradicate. I assume you've already offered lights to dispel any ghosts and quiet, relaxing music to cover birds chirping, and they haven't helped. The dog is also a great idea for comfort. You and your husband should continue to insist on having privacy. If your daughter prefers sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor of her brothers' room for a few nights, that may quickly convince her she would be more comfortable sleeping alone.

One last suggestion is related to television. Sleep researchers find that children don't sleep as deeply or as well if they've watched TV an hour and a half before bedtime. Reading or playing family games together instead of watching TV may do much to lessen your daughter's fears and improve her sleep.

For a free newsletter about fears and fearful children, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "The Foundational Principles of Parenting" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [e-mail]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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