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The wisdom's in the beard.

Byline: nick peet

WHAT have Abraham Lincoln, John Lennon, Jesus Christ and Hogwarts headmaster Dumbledore got in common? That's right, they all got the smarts.

But here's another revelation. They all sported beautiful beards too.

Why is that? Why are all men with copious facial hair so much smarter than the rest. In fact, that's probably even a fact.

Rafa Benitez, Richard Branson, Chuck Norris, Ulysses 31 ... do I really to go on? And what makes it doubly bizarre is the other largely unreported fact men with moustaches are thick as two short planks.

What's that all about? Go on, I challenge you to name one famous person with a top lip tassel - other than Ann Widdecombe - that knows one end of a bookcase from the other.

The list of famous moustached men reads like a roll call from the cast list off One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Salvador Dali (genuine cuckoo), Tom Selleck (Magnum PI), Charlie Chaplin (monochrome minstrel) and the Borat (Kazakhstan anchor man). Hell, even Super Mario's clearly one sandwich short of a picnic.

They say never judge a book by its cover but if you pulled over at a bus stop for directions would you ask Socrates and Plato, the classic Greek philosophers, for directions or the Chuckle Brothers? Language barrier problems aside, I rest my case.

With all that in mind then - and I bet you could guess this was coming - I've been attempting to expand my knowledge back catalogue these past few weeks.

Not by working my way through an entire collection of Encyclopedia Britannicas, of course, but via the art of growing a beard.

Daft, stupid, thick and nonsensical are words that have been used in association with my own title these past three decades, but wise has been alarmingly overlooked.

Until now that is.

My new theory on wisdom then is as superficial as a tan in a can.

Two weeks of razor blade dodging and you can now ask me anything, absolutely anything, about anything and with a few strokes of my new beard I'll conjure up the most convincing looking answer imaginable.

Sure, it's likely to be nonsense but as fellow beardy, Jedi knight Liam Neeson, stated in 'Star Wars - The Phantom Menace': "The ability to speak does not make you intelligent."

Or write for that matter.

However, there is some method in the madness that is my new hairy chin, chin.

My mate Dave - and everyone's got at least one mate called Dave - ties the knot over in Belfast next month and so this weekend the lads are taking him out for a little male bonding session.

Shotguns at noon and vodka shots at dawn is the only teaser I can submit at this juncture but rest assured at some stage during the evening the beards will be replaced by moustaches - both physically and mentally!

CAPTION(S):

CUCKOO: Salvador Dali
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Publication:Liverpool Echo (Liverpool, England)
Date:Jul 29, 2009
Words:482
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