The shoppers from hell: is it wrong to call your least desirable customers "devils"?

Recently, I came across a staggering statistic in the Wall Street Journal. In an article discussing Best Buy's daring attempt to drive away its worst customers, the Journal reported that out of 500 million customer visits to the consumer-electronics giant each year, 100 million were deemed "undesirable" by the company. In other words, one in every five persons who walked through the doors at Best Buy was a person the company wished would walk right back out the door and never come back.

"Undesirable" customers are the skin-flints, tightwads and penny-pinchers who constantly apply for rebates, purchase returned merchandise at a discount after buying and returning it themselves, or resell marked-down merchandise at a profit on the Internet. These types are always on the prowl for bargains, always haggling, always demanding high levels of customer service. Seemingly, Best Buy CEO Brad Anderson is now determined to rid his company of these irksome, profit-cutting individuals. Specifically, Anderson is rolling out the red carpet for desirable customers known as "angels" while shooing away annoying customers known as "devils."

It's not hard to understand the logic behind this strategy, but frankly, I'm surprised that the lawsuits haven't already started flying. In an era of astonishing sensitivity about labels--remember the uproar when California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger used the term "girly-men?"--I am amazed that the Journal would dare to use the term "devils" to describe putatively "undesirable" customers. The very notion that a major American retailer would refer to a segment of the consumer population in such explicitly satanic terms is shocking particularly in light of the Procter & Gamble satanic Web site incident a few years ago. I have not the slightest doubt that in the fullness of time we will see a host of lawsuits brought by aggrieved parties seeking judicial redress for the harm inflicted upon them by the use of such an odious term.

This is not to say that the devil imagery is entirely inappropriate. One can readily sympathize with Best Buy and others that must ceaselessly devote so much of their resources to servicing precisely those customers who are making it most difficult to turn a profit. Indeed, Best Buy has already developed an internal patois to describe its more attractive customers, referring to high-income men as "Barrys," suburban moms as "Jills," and male gadgets buffs as "Buzzes." This group, which generates the lion's share of the company's profits, is included in the vast array of "angels."

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

But you can see how this would look in court. One group of desirable customers is identified by harmless, generic handles. The other group is labeled the spawn of Satan. Even in a Supreme Court that veers sharply toward the right, it is not hard to imagine the justices ruling that by vilifying a segment of the consumer population as demonic in nature, if not disposition, the retailer had inflicted irreparable damage on their reputations. The American Civil Liberties Union should have a ball with this.

All that said, the concept of isolating a large segment of the buying public as "undesirable" abounds with intriguing possibilities. My question is, Why hasn't someone already seized the bull by the horns and set up a business specifically targeting consumers that the major retailers despise? Is it really so hard to imagine a chain of electronics stores under the rubric Loser World? Is the notion of an enterprise called Just for Malingerers too absurd to contemplate? And how about Rubenesque Rebater, a chain of clothing stores geared toward overweight people who will not make any purchase without the promise of a manufacturer's rebate? And while we're on the subject, why hasn't someone started a magazine directly targeting bad customers entitled Shopper from Hell?

Clearly, I come down on the side of Best Buy and related merchandisers. There is nothing wrong with thinking that undesirable customers are "devils." It's just that you shouldn't say this out loud in a society so sensitive about pejorative labels. Personally, I prefer more graphic terms with no specific moral or religious connotations. Thus, desirable customers should be referred to as "the good guys," while undesirable customers are referred to as "grinches," "spoilsports," "ne'er-do-wells" and "schmos." But don't put any of that in your annual report.