The road to lesbian motherhood; an interview with Lisa Schweig: ALACE-trained labor assistant and lesbian mother. (Labor Assisting/Childbirth Education).

A pregnant woman faces many challenges on the road to motherhood: getting used to changes in the body; coping with fear, anxiety, and excitement over the process of giving birth; and, once it happens, grappling with how this new child will transform her life.

Lisa Schweig, an ALACE-trained labor assistant from Cambridge, MA, and already a mother to the baby her partner had birthed, faced all of those challenges when she became pregnant with their second child. But she had also faced many of the additional challenges of being a lesbian mother.

Lisa and her partner, Jan, had been together for two years before they decided to have children. Jan started trying to get pregnant in 1989 and gave birth to their daughter, Mollie, in 1992. For many months, Jan tried to get pregnant with fresh sperm using a midwife as a go-between, but this was unsuccessful.

Jan switched to frozen sperm and still was not pregnant after eleven attempts. A nurse practitioner referred them to a fertility and endocrinology department and, after only one intrauterine insemination used in combination with the medication Clomid, Jan became pregnant.

Rachel Pepper, author of The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians, includes a section in her book about fertility drugs and information about various methods of achieving pregnancy for lesbians. She writes briefly about Clomid, also known as Clomiphene Citrate. "Clomid regulates ovulation by stimulating estrogen production. Clomid has a high rate of success among women without significant fertility problems and many get pregnant within two or three cycles of taking it. The drug is taken orally, with a typical dosage being one or two pills of 50mg per day for five days. The average cost of each pill is about $10."

The other method that Jan used was intrauterine insemination (IUI). Pepper states, "When you have an IUI, the sperm is generally `spun' to remove the active swimmers from the rest of the liquid semen. This concentrated solution is then fed through a tube directly through [the] cervix and into [the] uterus. Therefore, the sperm not only is more concentrated but also doesn't have to swim through [the] mucus, which can be like an obstacle course." Pepper then writes that this procedure decreases the journey of the sperm to the egg by about five hours because it bypasses the vagina.

As Jan stated it, her birth was a satisfying and thrilling experience. She had gotten pregnant at the end of May 1991 and their daughter, Mollie, was born in February of 1992. Two years later, they decided they wanted to have a second child and this time, it was Lisa who was trying to get pregnant. She went back to the same fertility department that they had been to previously and she got pregnant in February of 1994 after only the first attempt. Their son, Koby, was born in November.

One important and necessary aspect of Lisa's birth was having a labor assistant. She pointed out that it was difficult to find a labor assistant in 1994, unlike now in metropolitan areas where you may be able to find many people working in the field. During early labor, Lisa used her labor assistant as her sole support so that Jan could help their two-year-old settle in at a friend's house. She chose to hire a labor support person primarily because of her desire to avoid a cesarean birth.

Lisa was not well-educated about natural birth, but went into the birth with the assumption that she would be having a natural birth--and she did. She gave birth at Beth Israel Hospital in Boston, MA, because it was the same hospital where Jan had given birth and Jan was very content with her birth experience. She said that if she ever had another child, she would want to have a homebirth.

Discrimination and Insensitivity

I asked Lisa if she ever felt any discrimination before or during childbirth from healthcare professionals, labor assistants, childbirth educators, or midwives and she told me about her experience with the insensitivity of the fertility and endocrinology department toward lesbian couples.

When Lisa and Jan were first referred to the department, they were interviewed and asked "heterosexually based questions" as Lisa put it. They asked Jan what it was like for her and her husband not to be able to get pregnant and how she was dealing with the fact that now she would not be using her husband to get pregnant. Their response was, "We don't have a husband, and we don't have to deal with that issue!"

Lisa remembered attending an informational meeting on the practical issues of how a woman's husband would transport a jar with his sperm from home to the fertility department. Lisa and Jan were the only lesbian couple there and the rest were heterosexual couples. This required class turned out to be a waste of their time because no part of the conversation applied to their situation.

Lisa told me about an instance of insensitivity before Mollie was born. She described their first childbirth education class as a "disastrous experience." Prior to the start of the classes, each couple was asked to fill out a form so that the instructor would know specific information about them, including how the pregnancy was progressing. Lisa and Jan wrote that they were a lesbian couple and hoped that they would feel welcomed and included in the class.

When they attended the first class, the instructor addressed the class the entire time as "The moms and the dads." Lisa and Jan were angered by her lack of recognition that there was a lesbian couple in her class and so they approached her during a break time in the class. They told her again of their situation and she only said that it was hard for her remember that they were lesbians.

Her insensitivity kept playing itself out in the next few classes, such as when she would divide up the class for exercises and separate it by the moms and the dads. Lisa would wave her hand noticeably in the air to ask the instructor which group she should join.

Needless to say, although they finished the series of classes, they did not go back to the same person when Lisa was pregnant with their son. Although these are some examples of insensitivity, Lisa and Jan believe, overall, that childbirth professionals usually treated them with respect and sensitivity.

Challenges as a Lesbian Mother

The primary challenge Lisa stated she faced was that having a child changes how "out" you are in your life. You can no longer hide your sexual orientation like you used to be able to before having a child. Another important challenge is the apprehension of not knowing if she and Jan will be accepted by pediatricians, doctors, midwives, birth professionals, colleagues, and other families at their children's school.

Another challenge she faces is health insurance. Just recently, Jan's municipal employer has stopped offering domestic partner benefits because of the legal challenges to the city. They were one of the first couples to register as domestic partners in Cambridge and now Lisa cannot be included in Jan's health insurance policy.

On a more positive note, they have felt less isolation in their lives because each year in their children's classroom, there is always at least one other child with lesbian mothers. Parents of their classmates and neighbors have been generally accepting and welcoming.

The Importance of Support from Childbirth Professionals

When asked what childbirth professionals, such as childbirth educators and labor assistants, should do to provide nondiscriminatory and sensitive support to lesbian mothers and couples, Lisa said that using the right language is a significant part of providing labor support to both lesbian couples and also to heterosexual couples. As she stated it, "Make no assumptions and find out what their language is and what the circumstances are for them." The childbirth professional should find out and then remember if the parents wish to be called something other than "mom" and "dad." Sometimes, a lesbian couple will have two different names for each of them, perhaps one is "mom" and one is "mama."

An example Lisa gave was that some of her lesbian friends who have used a sperm donor call him simply a "donor" and not the father, whereas another lesbian couple may wish to call the donor the child's father if he is active in that role. In regard to Lisa and Jan's experience in their first childbirth education class, there are obviously other words besides "dad" to describe the laboring mother's partner, whether that person is her friend or her partner.

Concerning labor support, it is essential not to assume what is and is not important. For example, knowing the way in which the biological mother became pregnant is irrelevant unless it is relevant to the couple. This might be the case if the sperm donor will be involved in the child's life and be present at the birth.

Family Outing

It was a sunny afternoon and it was Mother's Day, 1999. Lisa and Jan took Mollie and Koby to an amusement park that was having a Mother's Day special in which the mother's admission was free. Their first stop was to buy the tickets and when they requested a ticket for each child, the cashier asked them, "Which one of you is the mother?" And they said, "We both are!" The cashier did not give them the tickets and only said, "I don't understand."

Lisa knew that this situation could have been avoided if she and Jan had entered the park separately and each paid for one child, but they did not choose to do this. Instead, they chose not to hide and not to be afraid. Lisa responded to the cashier's confusion with, "We are lesbians and we're paying for the two kids and the two moms will get in free." Lisa laughed about this instance and lightheartedly said, "Sometimes I just take the easy route and not explain it all. There are only so many battles you need to fight."

Legal Concerns

It has been costly for Lisa and Jan to obtain the kind of legal protections that heterosexual married couples have automatically. They have had to pay attention to details such as wills, guardianships, and even Lisa's own parents' will. Lisa's parents' will stated at one time that, in the event of their death, all of their money would go to their grandchildren. However, Mollie was not legally their grandchild so they specifically added Mollie by name to their will.

After Mollie was born, Lisa carried a printed statement signed by Jan that gave Lisa the right make medical decisions for Mollie. Later, Lisa and Jan went through the legal process of a co-parent adoption agreement. This document states that both Lisa and Jan have adopted their children (even the ones that each of them gave birth to) and are both the legal mothers for each child. Although this can be an exhausting and rather long process, it has many benefits.

Maggiore writes, "The major effect of granting the adoption is to give the child the benefit and additional security of having two legal parents willing to assume responsibilities. After such an adoption, the child not only has two adults obligated to support him or her and able to consent to medical care ... but the relationship between the child and the co-parent cannot be disrupted absent a good cause. Because continuity of relationships is extremely important to a child's psychological well-being, formalizing this relationship may, in fact, be the most important benefit from co-parent adoptions."

Lisa was pregnant with Koby when they first went to the lawyer to start the co-parent adoption process. She remembered feeling angry as she and Jan left the lawyer's office. She was angry that they had to endure this process only to hear a judge in a courtroom say, "Yes, you are your own child's mother," when she had been Mollie's mother for three years.

Lisa's Independent Labor Assistant Practice

Does being a lesbian mother affect how Lisa does labor support? Her response was, "Not in general but when I have worked with a lesbian couple, I feel an advantage. I have questions for them that are natural to me. I can relate to each mother because I am both a biological and nonbiological mother. As with any other couple you need to be careful not to look back on your own birth. You have to give unbiased labor support and not base it on what you loved or missed about your own birth. You have to keep your biases out of the process but with a lesbian couple, it's an advantage to have had some similar experiences."

Lisa talked about the issue of coming out to clients and that it is often difficult for her not to come out at some point during prenatal interviews. "It's hard when the client asks me, `What was it like when you gave birth to your children?' I can't pretend that I birthed my daughter, so I have to come out to be really truthful."

She discussed one couple in particular, in which she had not come out to them even after the prenatal interviews. She did not come out to them until the postpartum visit when she told them about her own breastfeeding experience, describing how her daughter had been weaned, but that she was not the one who breastfed her.

Usually, couples that she does labor support for do not think that she's a lesbian when they meet her so she has to repeatedly come out in that aspect of her life. She has been doing labor support for the past eighteen months and, while she has not had the opportunity to help a lot of lesbian couples looking for labor support, she has worked with many different kinds of people, including a number of teen mothers.

Leading a Happy Life

I noticed that while talking to Lisa, she seemed very comfortable with herself, her life, and her family. She is very grounded in the labor support work she does and seems very content to be able to provide this service to all different kinds of women and couples.

An echoing sentiment throughout the interview was one of courage. She and Jan have endured many long months waiting to receive positive pregnancy tests, visiting lawyers' offices, and fighting to be recognized as their own children's mothers. They have spoken up in many situations in order to have their family taken seriously in a society that refuses rights to lesbian and gay families more aggressively and vigorously than it grants them.

"It's all just a matter of knowing who you are, being comfortable in your own skin. We are all complicated but also defined by life experiences and if you can work with those life experiences whether negative or positive and you are happy with yourself, then you can be strong and proud in whatever you undertake."

References

Maggiore, Delores, ed. 1992. Lesbians and Child Custody: A Casebook. New York: Garland Publishing, Inc.

Pepper, Rachel. 1999. The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians: Tips and Techniques from Conception to Birth: How to Stay Sane and Care for Yourself. San Francisco: Cleis Press.

--Liza Capodilupo is the Communications Director for ALACE. She graduated from New York University in 2001 with a BA in Women's Studies. She lives in Brookline, MA, has two wonderful parents, one amazing sister, and one incredible partner. She is a labor assistant and childbirth educator-in-training and would love to work with lesbian mothers.