The parent trip. (reader forum).

As a feminist, I felt compelled to speak up on the obstacles facing gay and lesbian couples looking to adopt ["The Adoption Option," May 28]. It upsets me to no end that homophobia is such a given in the process of adopting children. Opponents of gay adoption have made clear what's really at stake here: the preservation of sexist gender roles--or what Gloria Steinem calls the "promise of female subservience" and likewise the promise of male authority. Apparently they do not trust same-sex parents to instill sexist gender roles in their children. The Florida judge called this process "proper gender identification" and cited its potential failing in gay households as a reason against granting adoption. I wonder, using their reasoning, would opponents of gay adoption find heterosexual households where the father stayed at home and the mother worked unnatural as well?

What really infuriates me in the gay adoption debate is how opponents try to present heterosexuality as this pristine institution. Yeah, right! We owe the majority of rape attacks, domestic violence, and subsequent femicide to the twisted demands of (compulsory) heterosexuality. In light of this especially, I am sickened by the arrogance with which some heterosexuals feel entitled to judge gay and lesbian couples. Opponents of gay adoption stand on a platform of such blinding heterosexist arrogance that they actually feel flee to put forth views like the following: The worst heterosexual household is better than the best gay or lesbian household for raising children. To deny gays and lesbians their potential in life to be parents and contribute to the human race by raising children is nothing short of antihumanitarian.

Elizabeth Han, Berkeley, Calif.

Regarding your cover line "What's wrong with this family?"--it's missing a dad! Why did you put the family with an absent father on the cover? Your readers would have been better served by a cover with both same-sex parents.

Richard Heid, Trenton, N.J.

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated my daughter's 7th birthday. When I got the latest copy of The Advocate in the mail and saw that the cover story was about gay parenting, I was happy to see that you had showcased gay families. We've had our daughter since birth, and I have to tell you that raising her in a gay family has never been an issue. Her mother is a visible part of her life, but a part-time part. My parents and my husband's family support us fully. Even the school district supports us. I wanted to say thanks for publishing information on gay families. Hopefully, it will open some eyes, and people will be able to release their prejudices and realize that raising a family is not a straight-only thing. Gay people can be excellent parents. I salute all those who are gay parents and those wanting to be.

Steven Wood, via the Internet

Your coverage of the increasing number of families in our community was wonderful. One thing that struck me that was missing, however, was the growing trend of single men who are adopting children and the challenges they face. The "single" male parents you identified had adopted children as part of a relationship, after which circumstances changed.

I adopted my son at birth 3 1/2 years ago and have no regrets. But the timing of that decision was a struggle. There aren't a lot of guys out there who want to be full-time parents, so if you wait to find the right person, you risk missing the opportunity to be a parent. Going forward as a single parent, you risk scaring away a man who might otherwise be good partner material. Ultimately, men who do adopt are often forced to choose.

I have actually been quite surprised by the limited number of gay men I have met who have an interest in being a parent. Many express a "desire," but few seem to choose parenthood when given a real option. I have speculated that while gay men are stereotypically seen as empathetic, loving, and nurturing, they also have come to value the independence that comes from not having a traditional family structure.

Kevin Howley, Blue Bell, Pa.

You state that "virtually all gay and lesbian adoptions begin as single-parent adoptions in the eyes of the law." In New Jersey, gay and lesbian partners can adopt a child at the same time. My partner, Gloria, and I will adopt our daughter, Brittany, on June 6. We are adopting her through the New Jersey foster care system. She is 2 1/2 years old, but she's been with us since she was 3 weeks old. The state was sued by two gay men back in 1998, paving the way for gay and lesbian couples to adopt.

Karen Sciaraffa, Plainfield, N.J.

I was thrilled to see your cover article on gay and lesbian families. It was a bit unsettling to see, however, that you left Massachusetts out of the list of states that have appellate decisions affirming the right of same-sex couples to adopt. Coparent adoption has been legal in Massachusetts since September 1993. Connecticut, which you do list, does not actually have an appellate decision but rather a statute recently passed by the legislature granting adoption to same-sex couples.

As an adoption attorney who has handled hundreds of adoptions by same-sex couples, I just wanted to make sure everyone knows that it actually is legal!

Joyce Kauffman, Cambridge, Mass.