The mummy track.

A mummy of a fourteen-year-old girl found perfectly preserved high in the Andean ice was put on display recently in Washington, D.C. "The Ice Maiden," she was predictably called, that and sometimes "Maureen Dowd." She might actually be early evidence of the lost art of freeze-drying, a process rediscovered in this century by the Taster's Choice people.

Archeologists hypothesized--from the massive cranial injury to the back of her head--that she was a human sacrifice and went even further to suggest that she was a willing and honored offering from her tribe. Must have been the way she was shielding her head with her arm.

When President Clinton viewed the mummy, he Elvissed that she was a pretty little thing, and he might have liked to date her. The GOP went bonkers again, claiming that first Clinton stole Dole's ideas, now he's stealing his old girlfriends.

Let the record show that this is certainly not the first time that a President has ogled a well-preserved little mummy. Ronald Reagan comes to mind. But this leering hint of Presidential necrophilia is too weird.

Same day the President admits he's into mummies, Hillary admits to Time magazine that she wants to be one. A can-this-marriage-be-saved-moment on most sitcoms. Can this sitcom be saved?

The GOP bonked again, and claimed it was a baldfaced political ploy to change Hillary's image from powerbroker to homemaker. Whereupon Liddy Dole announced to Newsweek that she and Bob were thinking of adopting a grandchild.

There was some talk that Liddy might finish out Bob's term. Sure, sure, make a woman do the cleanup. Maybe she'd bring in the Red Cross. The Doles, who have been married for thirty-five years, have actually been in the same room a total of 126 days.

At least Bill and Hill, Bob and Lid can get married. Gays, though not all of us, are steamed as can be about President Clinton signing on to the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA).

Same-sex weddings are expected to flourish in Hawaii, where apparently gay people will go on vacation, get whacked out on Maui Wowee, put on grass skirts, and next thing they know, they wake up married. Whatever happened to just getting leied?

When President Clinton said he was against same-sex marriage, it sure took the focus off the Supreme Court's 6-to-3 decision to overturn the Colorado amendment. (Bob Dole, by the way, said he was against any sex marriage.

Of course, most commentators seemed more comfortable discussing the Supreme Court's other ruling of the day that BMW did not have to pay a multimillion-dollar award in a product-liability suit. Some gay people, confusing the two rulings, thought BMW was a personal ad and responded immediately.

When analysts finally got around to discussing the Colorado decision, all anyone would talk about was same-sex marriage, same-sex marriage. The net effect was to reduce the scope of the Court's historic decision, from the larger notion of equal protection under the law, to the narrower full faith and credit clause, from macro to micro, from fed to state, from Major Homo to minor doma. I was disgruntled.

But I have had no gruntles left since discovering that they can't even afford spell-check over at Ms. magazine. They spelled "feminism" wrong in huge letters in a cover story about same.

How many feminists does it take to blow a cover? That's not funny.