The meaning of Love.

There is no other word in our language that is more abused, misused, and confused than the word "love". Yet its essential meaning is not difficult to understand. The weight of the entire Christian tradition tells us, quite simply, that love is a tendency toward the real. St. Francis de Sales, in his Treatise on the Love of God expresses it more poetically when he states, "Love is the movement, effusion and advancement of the heart toward the good."

Love overcomes separation and intimately unites us with reality. In its interpersonal manifestation, it affirms the reality of the beloved, that is to say, his or her truth, goodness, and desirability. "Love is not blind," G. K. Chesterton remarks in his Orthodoxy, "that is the last thing it is. Love is bound; and the more it is bound, the less it is blind." Love is bound to the reality of the beloved, a reality that is fundamentally true, good, and desirable. Love does not build castles in the air. It establishes sturdy foundations.

In this regard, it is an easy matter to recognize love and to distinguish it from its legion of counterfeits. Love passes through three stages. It is attentive, appreciative, and affectionate. By paying attention, we focus on the truth of the other person. We listen with love as we tune in to the truth of the other, the truth that the other is trying to express, however clumsily that expression might be rendered. By showing appreciation, we indicate that we value the other as fundamentally good. Love shows appreciation by affirming the goodness of the other. Affection is love expressing itself by rejoicing in the desirability of the other. Gifts, touches, smiles, sacrifices, and favours, are among the many ways in which love demonstrates its affection and affirms the desirability of the other. It crowns its recognition of the other's truth and goodness.

The opposite of love is not hate, but apathy. No one wants to be ignored, disregarded, or neglected (the polar opposites of receiving attention, appreciation, and affection). People want their truth to be heard, their goodness to be cherished, and their desirability to be felt. They want their reality affirmed, honoured, and embraced. They want to be loved. And just as it is true that all people want to be loved, all people want to express love.

The progression from attention to appreciation to affection is important. Wisdom always places things in the right order. This order represents the proper development of love. We are not showing love if we express affection for someone whose truth and goodness are unknown to us. Love begins with knowledge of the other. Ubi amor, ibi oculus (wherever there is love, there is knowledge). This knowledge uncovers the truth and the goodness of the other. Affection without personal knowledge does not serve the other, but is more likely to be an act of impetuosity.

Love, therefore, must be patient as it advances from attention to appreciation to affection. Love takes time. Love at first sight is less likely than like at first look. When we sense that we like another person, we should then be patient and temperate enough to get to know the truth and appreciate the good of that person so that our affection will be founded on something real.

Love does justice to the beloved and does not ascribe to the beloved values that do not exist. Love is not a romantic projection or a tantalizing illusion. It is the affirmation and promotion of the real person who is the recipient and the beneficiary of our love.

Therefore, love embraces a variety of virtues. This includes not only patience, temperance, and justice, but also hope, courage, and fidelity. The more virtues we have, the better prepared we are to love. Love is the form of all virtues, and virtues are the indispensable conduits of love.

The meaning of love is simple enough not to elude us, but the simplicity of its meaning does not imply any frequency of its occurrence. We should be artful when it comes to loving, and circumspect when it comes to recognizing that we are loved. We all need to love and to be loved, but we should not want to settle for any of its imposters. (+)

Donald DeMarco is Professor of Philosophy at St. Jerome's University, Waterloo, ON.