The long road back.

Nearly two years after the brutal beating that almost took his life, writer Robert Brake discusses his long road of recovery

Late one night in January 1999, Robert Drake, a well-known gay author and editor living in Ireland researching a book, dragged two fresh acquaintances to his apartment for an after-hours nightcap. Before the night ended, the men beat Drake until he slumped to the floor in a pool of blood, then left him for dead.

But through an incredible combination of luck and willpower, Drake refused to surrender to death. With the aid of a plethora of friends--including an estranged American lover and a then-new Irish one, both doctors--Drake returned to Philadelphia, his U.S. home, to start his long struggle back from death's doorstep.

His journey has been a tedious and strenuous one. He remains confined to a wheelchair, and both his wrists are bent inward at nearly 90-degree angles, a result of the beating. His speech is halting and slurred, just one consequence of permanent brain damage. Instilled with Quaker optimism, however, Drake reminds visitors not only how far he's progressed from the state of unconsciousness from which few thought he'd ever stir but of just how far he intends to continue forward.

Over a fresh cup of coffee at his dining room table in the heart of the City of Brotherly Love, Robert Drake spoke to The Advocate about his ordeal and his remarkable expectations for the future.

On October 10 you appeared at Giovanni's Room [a Philadelphia gay bookstore] to promote Circa 2000, the recently released anthology you coedited with Terry Wolverton. It was your first public appearance since the beating. What was going through your mind?

That it was good to be back out there, to start returning to my old life. I'm lucky I'm alive at all. I feel like I died once, for a little bit. Physically but not emotionally.

How did you keep from dying emotionally?

Because I'm very stubborn. [Laughs] My strength came from the self-confidence that I would one day get better. I never felt like I had a choice. Getting better was my only option.

What's been the most difficult part for you?

Learning how to walk again. It's still a particularly important goal because I want to be like normal people again. I can only walk a few feet now. Before, I used to walk everywhere, in Philadelphia and in Dublin. But I will walk again. There's no physical reason I can't; I've just forgotten how.

Emotionally, what's been the most difficult?

It was very frustrating before I could talk again. I was communicating by spelling things out on a letter board. It was too damn slow. It was hard to carry on a conversation. I felt trapped inside my body.

Tell me how you met the men who attacked you and what led to the beating.

I remember nothing. Partly it's a physical brain damage issue. The other part--you don't want to remember things that painful. [Having] no memory is good and bad. Good because there's nothing to haunt me; bad because I wasn't able to help with the prosecution. [The two men who attacked Drake have since been sentenced to eight years in prison.]

Your attackers claim you made a sexual advance toward them.

I don't remember that night, but I know myself. I was in a relationship and very happy. It's not something I would do.

After the beating, what was the first memory you had?

Of my teddy bear. [His Irish lover, Cairan Slevin, had given him the bear as a gift for his 37th birthday.]

How did you learn what had happened to you?

From what Cairan told me and by reconstructing the incidents by reading through newspapers. It was weird. It was like reading about some other person.

At the time of your beating, the two men most responsible for helping you were Scott Pretorius, an American lover you had recently broken up with, and Cairan Slevin, an Irish man you had recently fallen in love with. Was it difficult to have them both taking care of you?

There wasn't a lot of awkwardness around that. We all acted like adults. The main thing was my recovery. Everything else fell to the wayside. Today, Cairan and I are no longer romantically involved.

Do you think about having a relationship again?

I think about it, but only as something for my future, after my recovery. Right now I can only think of myself. [Pause] So I guess I'm like most gay men! [Laughs]

Speaking of your future, do you think you'll ever write again?

I already am. I'm working on an autobiography of my recovery. A key guard helps me locate keys on my computer, one at a time.

Do you have any idea how long it will be before life returns to normal for you?

Life will never be back to normal. I'll never forget. And that's good, because I can remember the progress and how far I've come and to never give up hope.

Find more on Robert Drake and links to related Web sites at www.advocate.com

Dahir has also contributed to Time, The Industry Standard, and Redbook.