The joy of rituals: simple strategies for strengthening family ties.

Reading Bible stories before bedtime, sitting down to Sabbath dinner, and saying grace before each meal brings warmth and joy to many families. Now, research are discovering that such activities enhance child development as well.

Rituals are repeated and shared activities that carry meaning and provide an emotional reward to family members. Although routines are also repetitious family behavior and vital to family life, they lack the symbolic content and compelling nature that rituals possess. Unlike rituals, routines are purely instrumental rather than symbolic; they are activities family members have to do rather than want to do.

Meg Cox, expert on rituals and author of The Heart of A Family--Searching America for Traditions that Fulfill Us, believes that a ritual is anything--big or small--that families perform together deliberately. She says they must be repetitious and provide some dramatic flourish that elevates the activity above the ordinary grind.

Even simple activities can be transformed into satisfying and memorable rituals, such as always singing a certain song whenever you give your child medicine, or declaring an evening study break for hot cocoa on cold winter weeknights. Cox writes, "The more we understand [rituals], the more their power will enrich our lives."

William J. Doherty, professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota, and author of The Intentional Family adds, "Children are natural ritualists. They crave connection and love predictability. Family rituals give children a sense of steady love and connection, and give order to their lives."

Shared Experience

Rituals are significant not so much for the act itself but for the results they yield; the sense of togetherness that grows out of shared experience and the feeling of rightness that comes from its repetition.

According to research, these repeated positive experiences form strong connections between neurons in the brain and foster a sense of security in children. They also help kids learn what to expect from their environment and how to understand the world around them.

Other studies have shown that young people who are best equipped to face the challenges of life and stay centered are those who feel close to their families. That closeness comes from the routine reassurances and shared experiences found in everyday rituals.

At one time or another, all families experience stress. Rituals have the capacity to provide stability even during trying times. Researchers have found that rituals are integral family resources that can act as a coping mechanism during those challenging moments. Professor Doherty adds that family rituals are what children can flail back on when under stress. He says that regular meals with parents provide emotional protection from every, major risk factor.

Little Celebrations

When you think of family rituals, you probably picture the grand annual events such as Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, birthdays, weddings, or baby dedications. But you may want to consider adding some everyday rituals that can serve as glue that binds families together right in the midst of our harried lives. These common, often repeated happenings can become extraordinarily vital and act as a powerful buffer against this complex world. These rituals will build a bridge that connects the past to the future and allows children to pick up the torch and pass it on to the next generation.

According to Meg Cox, "Scientists tell us that many animals have rituals, and anthropologists report they haven't found any human societies without them, which alone is compelling evidence that rituals must be a human necessity."

Psychologists insist that rituals help us keep track of where we came from and essentially who we are. While this is key for all family members, it's profoundly significant for children who are forming their own identities. Rituals become a road map for kids, offering a comforting sense of predictability and order to life. When children have a clear sense of where they come from, they have a better sense of where they are going. Knowing what to do and being able to predict what comes next helps a boy or girl feel competent, and feeling competent is key to emotional well-being.

Grounded by Constancy 

Children delight in rituals, look forward to them, learn from them, and feel comforted and grounded by their constancy. Positive family rituals leave indelible imprints on children's minds and form treasured memories ready to be passed on from generation to generation. For instance, knowing that every fall the family will load themselves into the minivan and go pumpkin or apple picking makes the season something to look forward to and savor.

Knowing that, each night, dad will talk to his child about his or her day and read a story at bedtime gives often-lonely children something to which they can look forward. In fact, developing a bedtime ritual is an excellent way to unwind and quietly embrace the day's happenings.

Whether it's reading a story, saying a prayer, or giving a hug and kiss, these nightly rituals offer security and comfort that fold gently into pleasant slumber.

The challenge, of course, lies in making the decision to create this time and saying no to any intrusions. With the myriad of demands on our time, it will require some effort. But the payoff will be well worth it.

Takes Work

Once you have good family rituals in place, keeping them alive takes work. If it's centered on a specific day, like Sabbath dinner, and you're not able to do it one week, don't let it slip away. Squeeze it in later in the week if you have to do so.

With some attentiveness, your family rituals will survive the demands of life and may endure for generations to come. Know that no matter what life brings, rituals will act as a safety net for your family members. Establishing your own distinctive activities now and faithfully repeating them will offer a much-needed shelter in unsettling times. Rituals are like keepsakes that live in your heart.

Springboard for Action

If you are inspired but feel at a loss at the thought of starting your own family ritual, here are some ideas to use as a springboard for action.

* If you're like many families today and can't manage family dinners seven nights a week, try for breakfasts together or special fruit-juice treats in the evening. These relaxed moments of sharing nourishment and conversation provide a much-needed platform for reconnecting.

* Recognition night. A fun way to celebrate your child's achievements in the classroom or extracurricular activity is to serve an "Honoree Dinner" on a special plate reserved for that occasion with all the healthy foods they crave.

* Designate one night a week as "Family Night" created solely for family members to connect, interact, and communicate while having wholesome fun. One week you could play board games, another rent a DVD and serve popcorn, and yet another allow various family members to plan the meal and help cook it as a team.

* Hold an "Unbirthday" where you surprise your child by unexpectedly celebrating the fact that they exist. Include their favorite foods, a cake, and small tokens of affection.

* Create a "Give a Helping Hand Day" to help children cultivate altruism and focus on others less fortunate. As a family, participate in some community service like volunteering at a nursing home or soup kitchen, or collecting food for a local food pantry.

Life is hard. Rituals can help soften the edges and bring a sense of togetherness back into the lives of every family member. Why not start one today?

Freelance writer Dawn Marie Barhyte of Warwick, New York, is a stepmother of two and grandmother of six. She's a former junior volunteer coordinator at St. Anthony Community Hospital and teacher at the First Baptist Child Care Center.