The immortal John Heisman: "when in doubt .... punt!".

PAUL AZINGER, PGA Tour star, after teen phenom Michelle Wie announced her intentions to turn pro prior to her 16th birthday: "I didn't even know how to shave at 15."

JOHN MCKAY, the late USC and Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach: "When I went duck hunting with Bear Bryant, he shot at one, but it kept flying. 'John', he said,' there flies a dead duck.' Now that's confidence."

NASCAR driver TONY STEWART, when asked by his crew whether he needed anything during a tire-blowing, crash-filled race at Lowe's Motor Speedway: "Yes. A renewal of my life insurance policy."

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DWIGHT PERRY in The Seattle Times, after a Sports Illustrated poll of major-leaguers indicated clearly that Oakland's Barry Zito had the best curveball in the game: "Good thing for the Dodgers' Milton Bradley that the survey chose not to uncover baseball's No. 1 screwball!"

DON SHULA, on the advantages of having a quality signal caller behind center: "Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck."

PHIL MUSHNICK, The New York Post, on Yankee broadcaster John Sterling, obviously not Mushnick's favorite: "To be stuck in a car with John Sterling during a Yankee game is to travel a futile course, like selling solar-powered tools to coal miners."

Pearl River Community College head football coach TIM HATTEN on his insistence that you don't have to be a Rhodes Scholar to run his offense: "I might be able to run it then. I studied a little civil engineering in college and even operated a road grader briefly during an introduction to Army engineer training, but I wouldn't call myself a road scholar."

CHRIS CARPENTER, St. Louis Cardinals pitcher, when asked to name his favorite pitcher: "Bud Light."

SCOTT OSTLER, San Francisco Chronicle sports columnist, on MLB's new Comeback Player of the Year Award, sponsored by Viagra: "I can't wait to see the trophy."

The late DON ADAMS, star of TV's Get Smart, in an early-career stand-up routine relating to his football experiences: "We were lucky to have a great coach in high school. We called him, 'Mr. Football.' His name was Leon Football. Mr. Football always said, 'A good guard and a good tackle go hand in hand--but not on the campus!'"

Florida State coach BOBBY BOWDEN, when asked if discipline was the most important component of a successful team: "If it was, Army and Navy would be playing for the National Championship every year."

CHRIS DUFRESNE, Los Angeles Times sportswriter, after Utah head FB coach Kyle Whittingham speculated that his team's three-game losing streak might be a result of players staying up too late playing video games: "This may be the first time in history a losing record in college has been blamed on John Madden."

RICK VENTURI, former Northwestern head coach: "The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday."

The Tonight Show's JAY LENO, on prospects for the first White Sox World Series title since 1917: "Think about that, 1917. That was so long ago. Do you realize that was the year of Cher's first farewell tour?"