The home of your dreams.

Greetings, homeowner! And welcome to Wavering Facades, the world's first gated and secure metrosexual community. Behind these stoutly patrolled walls, you are free to pursue the lifestyle of your choosing, unfettered by the judgments of conventional minds and at a variable interest rate.

Wavering Facades has been planned with your very comfort and convenience in mind, and the staff is here to anticipate your every need, except the ones that occur when you're sick or short on finds. Metrosexuals of every stripe have gathered here, which is to say that everyone is pretty much the same size and has the same taste, so we expect to see you sharing your cute little outfits with neighbors by file end of this week at least. And your lady visitors too. Just joking.

OK, the ball game's coming on, so while you're positioning your beer kegs, hors d'oeuvres, and floral centerpieces (remember, birds of paradise always block someone's view of the set), take a minute to look over this simple little set of rules, regulations, and tips for living in your new, metrosexually unambiguous home.

* Pool: Swimming and billiards are available in each pod. Anyone wearing flip-flops must go through a pedicure check with the attendant. Sunblock must be worn at all times. African-American homeowners, this includes you! You can't be too careful.

* Parking: The spaces closest to your pod are reserved for German and high-end British cars and whatever other cars the car committee has deemed trendy at any given time. Fluorescent Volkswagens must be parked outside the gates of Wavering Facades.

* Pets and children: Small pets and large children are always welcome at Wavering Facades. Anything that poops in a box will find a good home here. Children over 18 are likewise encouraged to visit and bring their friends, provided they are also over 18 and have not crossed a state line.

* Water delivery: Perrier, Evian, Ramlosa, Crystal Geyser, and Fiji are the only waters allowed at Wavering Facades. Tap water may be used only to feed small pets or large children.

* Noise: Loud music and appliances are not allowed, unless it is a Celine Dion record. Please muffle your blow-dryer and all heavy metal recordings and appliances, again excluding Celine. Decibel tests will be conducted at random.

* Food deliveries: The following food deliveries are currently allowed: Zone, South Beach, Atkins, vegetarian, vegan, Thai, Indian, and certain Chinese dishes without MSG. Pizza, pasta, burritos, and any food that must be salted or is occasionally sold with an action figure from a current movie is expressly forbidden.

* Moisturizers: We can't imagine we need to mention this, but anyone caught on the premises with an unmoisturized face or elbow will be escorted to the front gate until his belongings can be cleaned out of his unit and deposited on the curb.

* Cruising: Since all our homeowners are straight, this can only mean driving around in cars playing hip-hop music with your bling-bling, which certainly won't get you anywhere at Wavering Facades.

* Makeovers: They can be scheduled at your convenience, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, including all holidays. Your initial makeover, included in the price of your unit, must be scheduled within two days of move-in. Our makeover opinions are final. Because we say so. Shut up.