The greatest skate lies ever told.

PRESIDENTS ARE LIARS. They tell tall tales about their trysts with tawdry trollops in the White House, and even worse, they tell lies that get us into wars. Everybody has lied at something worse. But lies are told for a million other reasons as well. From insecurity come the lies that are supposed to boost one's status, and skateboarding is not immune to this. People embellish the truth about what tricks they've done, who they know, when they skated--or even that they skated at all. Often these lies are told nowhere near a skatespot, but in a more social environment like a bar. Here's an incomplete list of some lies you're likely to hear, none of which are particularly believable.

SPONSORS THAT I HAVE

This one runs the gamut in execution. The simplest level is the guy who goes to the skateshop and buys gear consistently from the same company--which isn't necessarily a bad thing, until he opens his mouth and starts flapping about the latest box from Black Label or Vans. You've seen him at the park, flailing the latest uber flip over the pyramid, sweating to scrape a frontside grind, or just chillin' in a corner flexing his gear. He'll come up to you with a flood of diarrhea from the mouth: "Just talked to (insert team manager's name here) about filming my upcoming video part. Gotta go shoot some photos!" Fortunately these lies are so transparent that the offending squid becomes a hilarious caricature. Related to this are the guys who cover their cars in one manufacturer or another's huge stickers (that cost $10 each at the local mall or chain skateshop) to pronounce that he's "one of the guys," on the team. That one's hilarious. This guy is basically saying "I am paying unreasonable amounts of money to advertise some product that I have no connection to (although I like their image) so that people think I'm down." Hey, who knows, maybe it's worth it. Related to this as well are all the squids who rock skate shirts, shoes, hats, sweatshirts, wallets, socks, whatever, who have no connection to skateboarding outside of the view of the X-Games from their couch. But like I've said before, whatever; they're just fueling the machine. Pay them no mind.

THE TRICK I LANDED

This is usually an embellishment and not an outright lie, but not always. If someone can tell you a trick that is believable in a spot you know of, and if they can come up with a description of the trick (and get the name of the trick right), they're probably not clueless but rather trying to impress. Shit, maybe they did make it. But there are the unbelievable ones as well, and there's always the "I taught (name your pro here) how to do such and such." I met a guy struggling to do backside grinds on a vert ramp who told me he taught a certain pro half his tricks back in Kentucky or somewhere, "back in the day."

I WAS A PRO SKATER ONCE/I AM A PRO SKATER NOW

"Dude, I skated for Counterfeit back in the day! I had a model!" This one is usually told at the bar, when the ladies around. Pro status obviously comes with perks, but flat-out lies might make a decent substitute. You're at the bar for christsake, there's no way anyone's gonna be able to prove anything. You just landed the most amazing thing you've ever done on a skateboard and you wanna kick back, but the hot air from that side of the room is stifling. That dorky blowhard is trying to salt everyone else's game, and it just might work. You can call him on it, especially if you've actually ever seen him skate, but it's most likely not gonna do any good. Just take heart in knowing that nothing built on a lie lasts, and you can actually hold your own.

Related to this one is the "I used to be pro" line. Even harder to prove, but depending on the era he's claiming and how far back you go (or know), a few questions get to the bottom of this one. There have been a lot of random pros over the years, so just because his name doesn't sound familiar doesn't mean it's not true, but even if he did skate for Henpecked decks and Astro trucks in 1978, who cares? Same even goes for the I-used-to-skate crowd. I don't care if you skated or not. Bald-faced lies are not gonna get you a seat at the table with the real guys. It's easy to respect someone more who, when they find out you skate, doesn't lie to impress. Liars just suck.

Comments of these two kinds are almost always preceded by the phrase "Back in the day ... " This is called "dropping years," like dropping names, and nobody likes a yeardropper, just like nobody likes a namedropper. Shit, it's not where you been, brother; it's where you're at.

TONY ALVA 

Tony Alva gets a category all his own. Not because he's a liar, but because of the lies that people tell that involve him. TA is up there on the all-time greats list. Maybe because of that and his longevity in skateboarding, so many people lie about him. Try wearing an Alva shirt or put an Alva sticker on your board and see how many burn-out barneys begin with "Tony Alva? Wow, man, the Tony Alva? Shit, I ripped the Dogbowl with TA in the summer of '69. We're bros!" "Dude, I skated for Alva in the '50s!" Pro skaters meet a ton of people, all the time, and a handshake at a demo or an autograph at the premiere does not mean you showed TA how to do frontside airs in '48. And with the new Dogtown movie and all the hype, all you have to do is be holding a skateboard for the kooks to come out of the woodwork with their TA inquiries. That being said, TA gets around and has skated with a ton of people everywhere, so this one can be hard to call bullshit on. Best to just nod and smile. Oh yeah, this also goes for Tony Hawk, Chad Muska, or whoever else was just spotted on ESPN.

RAMP DIMENSIONS

"Dude, I used to have this ramp in my backyard! It was 20-feet tall, 14-feet of vert, 6-feet wide ... " Heard this one a bunch too. These guys really don't know how clueless they sound, but act as though they have cache for being down before you. The amount of vert is a tell-tale sign. Few people build ramps with more than two-feet of vert. Three is pretty unheard of but possible on an extension. Anything over that is immediately suspect (Danny Way dimensions notwithstanding), especially if it reduces the tranny size to miniscule amounts. "Dude, it was 12-feet high, nine feet of vert!" Yeah, and how high did you get on those three-foot trannies? And even if you did have a ramp--and I don't care how long ago--if you can't remember the dimensions of the ramp that you built, you were never really into it in the first place. And why don't you do us all a favor and just remain out of it?

You can't really blame them, and the longer you stay with it the more obvious it gets. Skateboarders are a singular breed and people who aren't reviled are usually revered. Skateboarding also takes a lot of time to get good at, and most people are quitters who can't afford to pay the dues. Once you pay the dues it makes the hangers-on look like a bunch of sad sacks. Just remember: it's their problem, not yours.