The give-and-take of criticism.

Doug had asked Maria to come over and listen to the new song he had written for his band. He was obviously excited, and he wanted to get her opinion. She thought it was absolutely awful. She didn't want to hurt Doug's feelings, but she didn't want to lie to him, either. She didn't know what to say.

Giving or taking criticism isn't easy. Even though it can be helpful, criticism is hard to take when it's negative. Giving it isn't much better. As in Maria's case, it's difficult walking that fine line between honesty and white lies. But handling criticism is a skill. All it takes is some knowledge and practice.

Dishing It Out

So what do you do if someone asks you for your opinion? Here are some guidelines to help you get started:

* Think. Before Maria starts making insincere comments about how awesome Doug's song is, or jokes about his playing it again without the amplifier turned on, it would be best for her to just think about how she feels. When you feel rushed to say something, what comes out usually isn't what you wanted. Take your time to think it out.

* Say what you liked. Starting with the positive makes it easier for the listener to hear what you have to say. Maria, for example, might say something like, "I really liked the lyrics on the chorus," or "I really liked the rhythm." Keep honesty in mind, however. If Maria couldn't think of anything good to say about the song, she could start by saying, "Doug, I can tell that you are really excited about this song."

* Say how you felt, what you thought. The key here is making "I" statements, talking about the way you felt, rather than what the person should do. For example, it would be better for Maria to say "I had a hard time getting into the song," rather than "It sounds like you need to work harder on it." Be specific: "I thought the melody was too repetitious" is more helpful than "I thought it was boring."

* Make suggestions for improvement. This, of course, is the value of criticism: to use the feedback of others to make something better. Making a lot of negative comments with no ideas for how to improve leaves the person feeling frustrated and discouraged. Again, be as specific as possible.

* Talk about talking. If Maria is afraid she may have hurt Doug's feelings, or thinks he may have misunderstood what she said, she should say so to him. By doing this, Maria is letting Doug know that she cares about the way he feels, and Doug has a chance to better understand Maria.

* Give your opinion when it is asked for. While it is sometimes necessary to speak up to keep someone from doing something dangerous or terribly embarrassing, often it is best to wait until a person asks for your opinion: The person is ready to hear it and less apt to feel defensive.

Taking It

Tina had worked hard on her science project, and her friends thought it was great. When she got it back from her teacher, however, she learned that he was disappointed. Tina was devastated.

The more you invest in something, be it your time, energy, money, or imagination, the more sensitive you are going to be to the opinions of others. Tina was expecting a good grade for her effort and felt hurt by her teacher's response.

There are several things Tina can do. First, she needs to take care of her feelings. This could be talking it out with a sympathetic friend or just finding a quiet place to think about her reaction. Sometimes it's helpful to realize that this is only one person's opinion, or that this may be one area that you are particularly sensitive about. After she feels better, Tina is ready to look more carefully at her teacher's comment. While this can be painful, there may be something very valid in what the other has said. Even if Tina felt she had done a good job, her teacher may be right in believing that she didn't set high enough expectations for her work. Finally, it is a good idea to talk to the person, both to better understand why and what was said and to help him or her appreciate your feelings. Tina, for example, should talk with her teacher and let him know how hard she worked and how surprised she was by his comments. She may want to ask him what he had expected, what she may have misunderstood about the assignment, or how she could have improved what she had done. By keeping her feelings to herself, Tina not only misses the opportunity to improve her work and her relationship with her teacher, but she may stay angry or discouraged about herself, her teacher, or the subject, and not want to try again. Instead of stimulating her growth, the misunderstood criticism impedes it.

Do It

Giving and taking criticism doesn't mean developing a tough skin but, rather, an ability to be sensitive to your feelings and those of others and to appreciate the different points of view. Start slowly--write down your opinions and read them over the phone if face-to-face talking is too difficult. Seek out the opinion of those you respect, rather than forcing yourself to talk to someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. Most of all, practice your give-and-take skills. With a little courage and experience, you'll learn to handle criticism just fine. It will serve you well throughout your life.