The decision to remain single: implications for women across cultures. (Theory).

Greater numbers of heterosexual women are choosing to never marry. The decision to remain single or indefinitely postpone marriage seeking may be perceived as different from many within the individual's family or social group. The purpose of this discussion is to highlight some of the societal problems and pressures women experience when choosing to not marry. Negative and positive consequences of this marital choice across cultures are examined, and counseling implications are provided.

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Despite the increase in the number of persons choosing to remain single, the vast majority of heterosexual adults eventually marry. The choice to remain single may be viewed as different or deviant by many in our society. Women, in particular, who choose to never marry often face many obstacles in a society that stresses the importance of marriage and motherhood. For women from cultures where the traditional role of women is highly delineated and expectations pertaining to marriage are strong, the pressure placed on those choosing to remain single may be even greater (Ferguson, 2000; Raymo, 1998; Talbani & Hasanali, 2000).

The purpose of this discussion is to highlight some of the societal problems and pressures women experience when choosing to not marry. As Lewis (1994) notes, "single women born more than 30 years ago may be living under two conflicting mythologies of singlehood--the stigmatization and the glamorization" (p. 171). As women struggle to resolve the implications of these contradictory myths, mental health counselors may provide critical assistance in the decision-making process. In addition to decisions about remaining single, the majority of women are now delaying marriage, which presents additional issues. Research has examined the impact of this delay on issues of mate selection (Ferguson, 1995) and psychological well-being (Marks, 1996). In this article, both the positive and negative consequences of the delay or rejection of marriage will be discussed as well as counseling implications across cultures. Clearly, tensions and conflict may exist between the generations as individuals struggle between traditions and new cultures (Talbani & Hasanali, 2000).

For some women, singleness is not a choice but has become the reality of their lives (Lewis, 1994). Consequently, their acceptance of being single will differ from those who so choose. Nevertheless, this review of the literature attempts to clarify trends regarding the motivation to marry or remain single in order to better aid mental health counselors in their understanding of the factors effecting the unmarried client.

THE SINGLE STATUS

Spinster and old maid are terms still used in Western culture to designate a woman's never-married status. Our language further functions to enhance stigma in that people are referred to as unmarried or never-married; these terms have a negative connotation implying a state of lacking (Lewis, 1994). Although these pejorative terms are decreasing in popularity, women frequently face the question from friends and family of "when are you going to get married?" The rationale behind this question is two-fold: First, historically the physical and financial security of women has been directly related to their marital status, and second, the notion of romance (i.e., a luxury afforded to affluent nations) endures as a highly prized value of western culture (Levine, 1993). Nevertheless, increased employment opportunities and the propensity to marry at a later age have resulted in a larger never-married population of women (Ferguson, 1995, 2000). The trends are also evidenced in cross-cultural literature examining marriage patterns (Raymo, 1998; Talbani & Hasanali, 2000).

Little in our society prepares individuals for singlehood. From an early age, most young girls are prompted to think of an adult life that encompasses marriage and motherhood. Lewis (1994) points out that there are no developmental models that address maturing and aging as a single person or "guidelines for adult singlehood" (p. 176). The attributions the client makes about being single are important to consider within the therapy session. Frazier, Arikian, Benson, Losoff, and Maurer (1996) noted that participants in their study attributed their single status to either not having met the right person, not having many opportunities to meet new people, and realizing the positive aspects of being single (i.e., they had different priorities than marriage; being single was their choice). However, these findings are somewhat ambiguous because not having found the right person or not meeting new people can be a function of choices and priorities. Adults actively pursuing education or career options may make choices that do not immediately appear to influence their likelihood to marry, but ultimately place them in positions where finding any potential partners, much less "the right" partner, is unlikely. Furthermore, mental health counselors need to consider the appropriateness of the theoretical models utilized when working with a single woman to be certain that their conceptualization of the client's development is based on knowledge and research as opposed to biases or stereotypes about single women.

PERCEPTIONS ABOUT NEVER-MARRIED PEOPLE

Perceptions about never-married adults have typically been negative. As Cockrum and White (1985) noted, although it is somewhat acceptable for a man to choose to remain single, women who choose this path are often "seen as less feminine, less loving and nurturing, less sexually attractive and more selfish" (p. 551). Early research frequently focused on the emotional health of those who choose to never marry, because marriage was assumed to be the norm. In their review of the literature, Johnston and Eklund (1984) discussed theory related to singlehood (e.g., selective theory, role theory) where attempts were made to determine if those who are more emotionally unstable were less likely to marry or whether those who marry are considered to be in better mental health precisely because they accepted a less deviant role. Conclusions were often mixed. For example, Hoeffer (1987) found that never-married women were "better educated, healthier, less lonely, and had a more positive outlook on life" (p. 111) than either widowed or divorced women. In mid-life and beyond, singlehood and never marriedness among women has been associated with higher intelligence (Marks, 1996) and educational levels (Choi, 1996). Choi found that never-married, elderly women were less likely to be in poverty, likely to spend fewer days confined to bed, and significantly more likely to live with relatives than were the divorced women.

In contrast, some researchers have noted important problems facing women who never marry (Lowenstein et al., 1981; Primakoff, 1983). For instance, isolation and loneliness have been reported. Primakoff notes that "in order to sustain the strength required to maintain this existential perspective, single women need to create alternate, committed relationships which are stable and which do provide continuity in their lives" (p. 76). The suggestion is that being single requires a special fortitude.

Current research has examined marriage and singlehood from the perspectives of motivation and opportunity in addition to a mental health perspective. Lichter, Anderson, and Hayward (1995) found increased education an important factor that allowed women to search for mates for longer periods of time. In addition, career aspirations and increased vocational opportunities appear to have influenced women's decisions about remaining single or marrying (Ferguson, 2000). Research suggests that it is precisely those women who are well educated and consequently financially secure that tend to not desire marriage or not place it as a high priority in their life goals (Frazier et al., 1996). Finally, more current focus on mental health issues have found no differences in psychological well-being between unmarried and married women. As Simon (1988) suggests, perhaps there is a continuity in singleness because the number of role changes (e.g., wife, mother, widowhood) are limited, which may actually be beneficial.

Biases present in some research, though, may compromise the usefulness of some conclusions. Within some studies, prison inmates were eliminated as potential partners but gay men were not. In addition, some research included the lesbian population or the growing population of women who do not place marriage as a priority. As a result, the role greater education may play in the decision to remain single or marry is still unclear. Perhaps women who are better educated tend to remain in the marriage market longer seeking a "high quality" mate, but equally likely is the chance that highly educated women tend not to value marriage because of their own increased security from education and income, or perhaps because these women never held marriage as a high priority in the beginning.

When examining the advantages of singleness, Lewis (1994) indicated that single participants suggested that freedom was a primary benefit--freedom both of time and the opportunity to do as one chooses as well as independence in many cases to not worry about children. Disadvantages reported were growing older without a significant partner in one's life, absence of touch, and not having children. As can be seen, there appeared to be some overlap in the participants' perspectives of the advantages and disadvantages in remaining single. Mental health counselors need to recognize that contradictory thoughts and feelings may be present in adult single women; and, as with many decisions, there are both good and bad aspects to most choices. Helping clients normalize their feelings of ambiguity may assist in limiting dichotomous conceptualizations of singlehood in terms of good or bad.

With all of this in mind, the fact remains that there is some percentage of the adult female population who are not seeking marriage at all. Mental health counselors need to examine their own biases concerning persons who remain single. Growing up in a society that has often viewed single women as deviant, it is critical that counselors look beyond the cultural stereotypes of the spinster or old maid and evaluate the life situation of the never-married person before them. Assumptions of loneliness and a life unlived should be replaced with a perspective that respects the client and values her role as an active, decision-making participant in her own life. The current literature creates the portrait of individuals who may or may not prefer to have a partner and who have determined that marriage is perhaps not the number one priority in their lives.

CULTURAL CONSIDERATIONS IN REMAINING SINGLE

The importance of upholding cultural values may be critical. A review of cross-cultural literature indicates that women from different ethnic backgrounds vary significantly with respect to their reasons to marry or to stay single. For example, there are great cultural differences regarding decisions to marry or remain single when love is a factor in the decision-making process. In a study examining student responses in 11 different countries, Levine, Sato, Hashimoto, and Verma (1995) indicated that in the United States, 86% of the student participants reported that they would not marry without love. However, this figure drops down to 24% in India where arranged marriages are still very common. The Korean language does not even contain an equivalent word for that of love in western culture (Brown, 1994).

In India, it is the family that arranges suitable matches between individuals on the basis of socioeconomic, education, and family backgrounds (Dugsin, 2001). Brown (1994) notes that college students in Korea may not be happy with their family being involved in marriage decisions; nevertheless, they do not doubt their legitimacy in making these important life decisions. As Talbani and Hasanali (2000) point out, "The arranged marriage has been a key instrument for economic, social and political stability in South Asian culture. It has been used to make political alliances, solidify economic positions, and secure social stability among large families, tribes, and communities" (p. 625).

Disapproval of marriage outside of one's culture is often a crucial factor in male selection. As Dugsin (2001) notes, Indian women are expected not only to marry, but also marry within the culture so that Indian core values can be maintained. In Korea, the decision to go against social values emphasizing the importance of marriage often reflects negatively on the family. A woman's choice to not marry may be perceived by others as "her parents have neglected their duty to find a mate for their child" (Yang & Rosenblatt, 2001, p. 367). Pyke (2000) notes the expectation of Vietnamese and Korean women to provide parental caregiving further stresses the importance of family and marriage. When examining the motivation for marriage between Taiwanese and Chinese adults, Jow-Ching and Li (1999) indicate that marriage is typically viewed as "an opportunity to maximize the resources of the household or kin group through the negotiation of a suitable alliance" (p. 502).

In addition, women who are raised in a more collectivist culture may perceive their obligation to contribute to their family in this matter as an important part of their familial role. As Talbani and Hasanali (2000) discuss, differential treatment of boys and girls within collective societies help prepare children to more readily accept these social expectations. But as they shift within our society from first to second generation immigrants, the perspective between the generations on this important topic of marriage may differ greatly. Mental health counselors working with immigrant women about life roles and decision making, particularly pertaining to marriage and motherhood, need to be cognizant that this is a topic of potentially great conflict within the client's family system. Consequently, the cultural expectations regarding marriage can not be overlooked.

Despite these consideration, women from diverse cultural backgrounds appear to be examining their desire and commitment for marriage and their option to either postpone marriage or not marry at all. As Raymo (1998) reports, the choice of Japanese women to remain single increases as they gain greater participation in the labor market and become more financially stable. However, despite the growing opportunities to be self-sufficient, the cultural importance of marriage for Japanese women remains high. Consequently, Raymo notes that Japanese women appear to be delaying marriage rather than rejecting it completely. Similarly, Ferguson (1995) found that foreign born Chinese Americans and Japanese Americans who spoke English were more likely to delay marriage to pursue a career. They were also far away from their family members and their traditional marriage customs, which may have allowed some flexibility in marriage decisions. Even when women from differing cultural backgrounds do choose to marry, a delay in marriage for women is evident.

When examining reasons for Chinese Americans and Japanese Americans choosing to never marry, Ferguson (2000) found four factors consistently related to their never-married status: their parent's marriage, their status as elder daughters, their educational goals, and the perceived lack of suitors. With many noting that their parents' marriages had been based on responsibility and obligation instead of love, two thirds of the respondents reported their parents' marriage as greatly influencing their decision to remain single. Gender and birth order also played an important role in their decision to stay unmarried. Being the eldest daughter meant that they had to serve the men in their family of origin and had to take care of siblings in the household or work to provide additional support for the family. Finally, approximately three fourths of the women said that it was the lack of appropriate suitors that prevented them from marrying. Many of the respondents added that dating Asian-American men was difficult because of the different gender role expectations. While the men wanted to marry women that they perceived to be more submissive like their mothers, the women wanted men who would share household and child care responsibilities.

CONSIDERATIONS FOR MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELORS

There appear to be numerous implications for mental health counselors to consider when working with single women. Becoming aware of one's own assumptions about single women and developing an understanding of both the advantages and disadvantages of the lifestyle is crucial (Johnston & Eklund, 1984). Consequently, to better serve the single female client, there are several issues that require understanding.

Although we live in a society where marriage is the norm, greater numbers of heterosexual women are choosing to never marry. The decision to remain single or indefinitely postpone marriage seeking may be perceived as different or deviant from many within the individual's family or social group. Women themselves may begin to feel lowered self-esteem and may question their attractiveness or their ability to gain a mate. Mental health counselors can assist female clients in better understanding how marriage would or would not fit into their life goals. Mental health counselors may also assist in normalizing the choice to remain single so that the preference to remain single may be viewed as one of choice rather than deviance. Because single immigrant women face the additional task related to the "issue of bending or defining the core values and deciding which supporting values could be compromised" (Dugsin, 2001, p. 239) while still maintaining their cultural heritage and values, the decision to remain single must be examined with a clear understanding of the cultural background of the client. Views regarding singlehood within the client's culture must be addressed, especially with regard to any differing acculturation levels of family members, in order to address family conflict regarding marriage decisions.

Lewis and Moon (1997) have highlighted some key points that counselors need to keep in mind while working with single women so that they can empathize with the special issues faced by single women and not reinforce stereotypical views of singleness. First, single women are a widely diverse group with differing abilities and expectations. Their goals and desires also frequently change as they mature, and so they must also be cognizant of the advantages and disadvantages of being single at different ages and life stages. For example, women in their 30s who remain single may have the opportunity to pursue a career without concern over child care and responsibilities. The disadvantage is that many women within the woman's social group during that age period will most likely be married with children, which may leave the single female feeling somewhat alone and isolated.

Second, choices to marry as well as to marry for love are largely a component of Western culture. In other areas of the world, marriage may be seen more as a family decision or an alliance between families. Consequently, the pressure to marry and marry a suitable partner can be immense and is usually outside of the experiences of a mental health counselor trained in the United States. It is imperative that mental health counselors be knowledgeable about the relationship between single individuals and their family and friends. Mental health counselors should also be aware of family-of-origin issues such as pressures to marry and lack of support with respect to achievements outside of being married. Mental health counselors may have to help single female clients explore cultural and familial stereotypes about being single and make decisions about their self-expectations based on that knowledge.

Third, the purpose of marriage differs across culture. Marriage in Asian cultures has often been viewed as the negotiation of an alliance between families (Jow-Ching & Li, 1999). With Indian values, children are expected to provide care for aging parents. Consequently, this is an important consideration when choosing a marriage partner (Dugsin, 2001). Also, dating is primarily seen as occurring when a person is ready to marry as opposed to being a developmental experience as is perceived in western culture (Dugsin). Both the pressure to date within U.S. culture and the desire to date may create additional problems for young immigrant women who do not want to marry but wish to fit in with the social values of their host country. There can be incredible stress between the generations about the idea of marriage. First or second generation immigrant women may hold very different views regarding marriage (or nonmarriage) than their parents and other family members. As Talbani and Hasanali (2000) note, South Asian girls are frequently given less decision-making power than young males within the culture. Therefore, young women from that cultural background may also feel tension and conflict about how they actually fit into the norms of their new country as well as tension about home values.

Finally, mental health counselors may conceptualize the single client's concerns within a variety of theoretical orientations. Most women develop within a societal expectation of eventual marriage. As she ages, a single woman may begin to question the likelihood of marriage, resulting in an existential crisis. Existential issues such as "Who am I?" "Where am I going?" and "Who can I become?" may be addressed by increasing the client's capacity for self-awareness, freedom, and responsibility. As a client gains self-awareness, she can begin to differentiate those aspects of her life that give personal meaning as opposed to a culturally imposed meaning. The counselor has an opportunity to emphasize the elements of freedom present in a single lifestyle. If the desire of the client is to marry, an alternative approach may be to focus the client's attention to her responsibility in "finding the right person" and pursue contradictions between her attributions for being single and any behaviors that may pose an obstacle (Frazier et al., 1996). Another potential therapeutic intervention may be to focus on the value and meaning the client places on the relationships that already exist. Mental health counselors have an opportunity to assist clients in evaluating the meaningfulness of their relationships and the capacity of these relationships to meet the existential anxiety. As humans, we all need social support, and single women need "alternate, committed relationships" (Primakoff, 1983, p.76) to provide that support. A cognitive approach may be used to address the irrational thoughts a client may have about choosing to remain single or to marry (Ellis, 1999; Ellis & MacLaren, 1998; Kwee & Ellis, 1997). Western culture tends to promote marriage as a panacea for women. Consequently, an illusory correlation tends to form as women focus on the advantages of marriage, completely ignoring the advantages of remaining single and the disadvantages of marriage. Mental health counselors may need to address the "shoulds and musts" that clients feel regarding their families, careers, and relationships.

A Gestalt therapist may focus on personal empowerment, openness, and self-trust (Passons, 1975; Zinker, 1978). A single client may underestimate her personal power to create connections, to achieve goals without marriage, and to make choices regarding the quality of her life. Likewise, a person-centered therapist may help clients explore the single lifestyle with an increasing openness to viewing it more as a positive life decision as opposed to a forced choice. Counselors may also assist clients in developing insight into the factors that influence their attributions and motivations for marriage.

A family systems approach may be the most useful for exploring client concerns that stem primarily from cultural pressure. A family systems approach interprets client issues within the context of environment. As noted previously, family needs for financial and instrumental support may conflict with the client's need for intimate relationships. Furthermore, recognizing the meaning of singleness in a transgenerational context may be very important. Under Bowenian (Bowen, 1966, 1976) family therapy, the therapist and client would examine attitudes and attributions within a three generation model. The impact of the choice to remain single may be best understood for immigrant families within this model.

Finally, feminist theorists have rejected ideas that label women's emotional problems in terms of illness and pathology but have focused instead on external and sociocultural factors. In doing so, feminist psychology has developed models that encourage empowerment, personal strength, and resilience. One such model, as discussed by Worell (2001), examines feminist interventions at five different levels: prevention, education, remediation, empowerment, and community change. As previously noted, early literature frequently focused on single women from a deviance model. As the role of women in U.S. culture (and others) begins to shift, feminist theory may help mental health counselors focus on the broader issues of empowerment and community change to further advance opportunities for women.

CONCLUSION

Women may face many ambivalent feelings about marriage. Women may need help recognizing whether the views they have adopted about being single are their own or are part of the stereotypical views held by their culture. Mental health counselors also need to question any self-blaming tendencies that single women might hold as a result of pressure from family and friends. Mental health counselors need to be cautious, though, and not glamorize single life It is important, therefore, to examine how comfortable each woman is with being single and validate her if she discusses the difficulties related to such issues as finding a mate (Lewis & Moon, 1997). Many single women may experience some depression and doubt related to conflicts over not having children or husbands with whom to share their lives.

In a society where marriage is the norm, stigma and misperceptions about single people still exist. Single women may feel self-conscious at times about their status. They also may have to learn to adjust to more transitory intimate relationships, moving from partnered to unpartnered roles (Lewis, 1994). Women may question their decisions and search for solutions to problems related to their singleness. Mental health counselors can assist single women in exploring emotional and familial issues related to their decision to remain single, help them accept singleness if it is not the result of the client's choice, and encourage them in forming friendships and in expanding their sources of support.

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Phyllis A. Gordon, Ph.D., is a professor, Shonali Raney and Rhonda Bowers are doctoral students. All are with the Department of Counseling Psychology, Ball State University, Muncie, IN. E-mail: [e-mail]