The curse of the am move: 2007 Phoenix Am.

SO WE COULD START this thing with some stats, results, and words about who killed what at the Phoenix contest, but we won't; if you cared about stats, you would have figured them out by now. The Internet is a hell of a thing. It'll tell you just about anything you don't want to know. This was only my second time at the Phoenix Am--for whatever reason, I've been able to dodge these kinds of events over the last few years. Due to my severe lack of social skills and extreme fear of large crowds, the only way I can handle these situations is if I'm intoxicated. Guess that's why I spent most of my time at the contest in a van getting drunk with my cousin. I left with only a handful of long-lens sequences and some portraits of people who didn't even place. None of the photos were worth the digital cards they were shot on. Joe Hammeke ended up shooting most of the good photos from the contest. I still owe him a case of nice beer for the excellent work, and for making up for my shortcomings in life when it comes to this sort of thing.

I ENDED UP staying with the Circa guys for a few days after the contest ended, in an attempt to make up for my shit coverage and to get the second half of this article cranked out. The thing about working with a group of ams is that they pull amateur moves in life that make it rather difficult to get basic tasks accomplished. Waking up and getting out of bed turns into a 3:00 pm breakfast. I've heard this called the "curse of the am move." Most of these kids are better--wait--not better, but more driven on a skateboard than some of the pros out there today. Simply because they're still hungry, and they haven't learned to pick their battles wisely yet. That means they'll jump down just about anything you put in front of them for a photo. Their skating may be fine. It's the way they roll through life that makes these amateurs am.

FOLLOWING ARE JUST A FEW of the more common "am curse" examples. They can be broken down into two major categories with a few sub-categories underneath. The two main ones are hotel mishaps and inappropriate drug and alcohol edict, both in conjunction with a generally poor thought process throughout. These are all intertwined with each other in one way or another. The curse typically takes place in or around the hotels you're staying at, and without fail gets you kicked out of your room due to the lack of a fully-developed brain when off of your skateboard.

Ending up in a smoke-filled room with 15 dudes and one girl (who was found on MySpace) is a typical am move. They'll proceed to stare at her until she picks one of them. I've heard about this one ending up with the father of the fine young lady finding her in the room. That was one encounter I'm happy to say I was not around for.

ANOTHER SITUATION ams find themselves in is getting kicked out of hotels over and over because they don't know how to put a towel underneath the crack of the door to hide the distinct smell of illegal drug use. Or in some cases, leaving all the weed on the table for the maids to find in the morning. These would be am moves number 232 and 233--moves that get you kicked out of hotels or the cops called on you. Another good one is partying from room to room until 5:00 am the night before your 9:00 am contest run. The thing that stings about this one is that, for the most part, these kids are all underage. Whoever's over 21 and happens to be around when the cops show up is the person who catches the heat, even if they (and by "they" I mean "I") had nothing to do with the purchasing of the booze. I'm a grown-ass man, and I should have had better things to do than drink in a dirty hotel room with a bunch of kids. The cops should have given me a ticket not for the beer, but just for being an old man who's hanging out with a bunch of kids getting drunk. This is starting to sound really weird. I need to re-evaluate my life after writing that last part. Maybe the "curse of the am move" is an airborne virus that you catch if you're around it too much.

The subcategories are things like playing SKATE in front of the security office on a college campus, or in front of a cop station that's next to the spot you're trying to skate. Playing SKATE in such a place gets you kicked out or ticketed before you can count to six. Six, because that's how many letters are in the word stupid.

AT THIS POINT I think I'll just make a list. If you've done any of these in the last few days, you're cursed:

--Spending all your food money on six ounces of dirt weed for personal use on a five-day trip--then proceeding to drive around with it in a state that has a no-tolerance law, like Arizona.

--Trying to ash a joint out the window, but you drop it instead.

--Being 15 and walking around the lobby of the hotel with a fresh beer and not trying to hide it at all.

--Skating in the hotel lobby or parking lot after they've told you you're gonna get kicked out if you do it again.

--Lighting a joint in a van as you pull up to the checkpoint from Arizona to California.

--Figuring out you left your board at home after being on the road for five hours ... on your way to the Phoenix Am contest.

--Always being the last person in the van every morning, making multiple vans full of people sit in 100-degree-plus heat while you're inside ironing your pants.

--Passing out with your shoes on in a room full of drunk dudes armed with Sharpies, shaving cream, and razor blades.

--Trying to bring weed with you on the plane when you're flying from Arizona to California.

--Smoking in a non-smoking room and making someone else pay the $250 fine.

--Showing up on a shoe company tour with no shoes.

--Flying in for a contest without a board.

--Trying to cross an international border armed only with a school ID (Herman, six years ago into Canada).

--Couch surfing at someone's house, taking his or her shit, and drinking all the beer in the fridge (I did that one last night).

--Thinking that smoking weed makes you better on a skateboard. Only person I've ever seen that work for was The Muska.

RESULTS

1. Colin Provost 

2. Dustin Blauvelt

3. Magnus Hanson

4. Taylor Bingaman

5. Nick Fiorini

6. Sean Malto

7. Kurtis Colamonico

8. David Gravette

9. Scott Decenzo

10. Alex Olson

BEST TRICK

Sierra Fellers Nollie bigspin lipside

THE CURSE IS NOT a fatal or incurable disease. The key to breaking the curse is to learn from the mistakes listed above, and to not repeat them over and over again. But I don't know who I'm trying to fool with any of this shit; I'm a constant repeat offender of the am move myself. My most recent blunder was turning in the words you're hopefully reading three days' late, after the mag had already gone to print. Don't know what magic those guys have to pull to fix this douchebag's curse, but I'm sure it'll involve some sort of scary phone call from Phelps and Burnett telling me that I suck at life.