The amazing adventures of John Paul II, October 4-8, 1995.

Wednesday, October 4,1995

3:00 P.M. Arrival at Newark International Airport and welcoming ceremony. New Jersey Governor Christy Todd Whitman greets the Holy Father, announcing that she has found a way to lower even his taxes. "And they say the age of miracles is over!" the Holy Father exclaims in Whitman's own country-club argot, one of the seventeen languages he speaks fluently.

3:30 P.M. An address by the Holy Father on why New Jersey's great Catholic "rock 'n' roll artists" Bruce Springsteen and Jon Bon Jovi should return to the church. He warns of "the widespread hedonistic and commercial culture which encourages the systematic exploitation of sexuality."

5:00 P.M. Evening Prayer at Sacred Heart Cathedral, Newark, including an address by the Holy Father on how his prayer to keep the Stanley Cup Champion New Jersey Devils in the Meadowlands was answered, as expected. "Better the devils you know in New Jersey, than the devils you don't know in Tennessee," he says to much laughter.

Thursday, October 5,1995

9:15 A.M. Private meeting with former New York Times columnist Anna Quindlen. The Holy Father reads aloud to Ms. Quindlen from "Thank Heaven for Little Girls," his recent letter on women apologizing for sexism and affirming "real equality" and the "feminine genius." Ms. Quindlen is unimpressed. "I worked for Abe Rosenthal," she explains, "a real pope."

1:00 P.M. Visit to the United Nations, including addresses by the Holy Father to the General Assembly and UN Staff. "As you all know, I loved the population conference in Cairo last year," he says to much laughter. "When I heard about the women's conference in Beijing, I had only one reaction: "Go ahead" I confided to Cardinal Ratzinger, "make my day.",

5:30 P.M. Tour by popemobile inside Giants Stadium, followed by a wrestling match between the Holy Father and Lawrence Taylor ("L.T."), former All-Pro Giant linebacker turned professional wrestler. "Wojtyla is a lot faster than he looks," Taylor says after the pope pins him. The Holy Father compliments Taylor on the silver cross dangling from his left ear lobe. Taylor insists the Holy Father have the earring.

"Hey," Taylor says, "he has the rest of the outfit."

6:00 P.M. Following the celebration of Mass at Giants Stadium, the Holy Father meets with Notre Dame football coach Lou Holtz to discuss Notre Dame's opening game loss to Northwestern. Characterizing the defeat a "grave ontological error," the Holy Father makes Holtz the bishop of Partenia, a defunct diocese in North Africa. Holtz is never seen or heard from again.

Friday, October 6,1995

9:00 A.M. Tour by popemobile inside Aqueduct Racetrack, Queens, N.Y. The Holy Father delivers a brief theological defense of bingo and other games of chance.

9:30 A.M. Celebration of Mass at Aqueduct Racetrack, including a homily by the Holy Father on horseback in which he condemns "the widespread hedonistic and commercial culture which encourages the systematic exploitation of sexuality." He tells the crowd to "bet the house on Natural Family Planning in the fifth. It's a sure thing."

5:00 P.M. Tour by popemobile on the grounds of Saint Joseph's Seminary, Yonkers. A search fails to turn up a single seminarian.

5:15 P.M. Popemobile is seen leaving the seminary grounds, the Holy Father sitting in the back mouthing the words, "Maybe Ms. Quindlen was right about ordaining women. ...Not!"

Saturday, October 7,1995

9:00 A.M. Tour by popemobile on the Great Law n of Central Park, New York City. The Holy Father plays softball against a team calling itself "More Catholic than the Pope," whose line-up features Andrew Greeley, Mario Cuomo, Phil Donahue, Garry Wills, Helen Hull Hitchcock, Joseph Fessio, S.J., and Mary Gordon. The Holy Father is knocked down by a pitch just under his chin thrown by Frances Kissling, president of Catholics for a Relatively Inexpensive Choice.

Afterwards, the Holy Father straps on a pair of rollerblades for a quick tour of the park only to be hip-checked into the boat pond by a marauding band of cafeteria Catholics afflicted with a contraceptive mentality. Descending on a white cloud, Mother Angelica smites the troublemakers with a copy of the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

9:30 A.M. Celebration of Mass on the Great Lawn, including a homily by the Holy Father condemning "the widespread hedonistic and commercial culture which encourages the systematic exploitation of sexuality."

"Way harsh, I know," the Holy Father consoles the crowd fluently in another of the seventeen languages he speaks.

The Mass is followed by a showing of Disney's Pocahontas, "a real affirmation of the feminine genius," the Holy Father says.

12:15 P.M. Arrival at the residence of Cardinal John O'Connor. Generalissimo Francisco Franco, Richard Nixon, Senator Joseph McCarthy, Bing Crosby, Pat Buchanan, the Reverend Pat Robertson, Ralph Reed, William Kristol, and Elvis Presley are ushered in the back door, according to Frank Rich of the New York Times.

3:30 P.M. Recitation of the rosary in Saint Patrick's Cathedral, and a brief address by the Holy Father on why recitation of the rosary in public schools is not unconstitutional "and takes less time than a moment of silence." Republican strategist William Kristol offers a nuanced interpretation of the Holy Father's statement for the press.

5:00 P.M. In an effort to reach out to "youth," the Holy Father announces the beautification of the late Grateful Dead guitarist Jerry Garcia. "I got the idea from reading Frank McConnell in Commonweal," the Holy Father jokes. "Or was it Dennis O'Brien?"

7:00 P.M. Dinner with the bishops of the region at the cardinal's residence. Bishops are bound and gagged "for their own comfort" before entering the residence. Andrew Greeley says grace.

8:30 P.M. Bishops watch Pocahontas, and then issue their long-awaited pastoral letter on the "feminine genius" and "the widespread hedonistic and commercial culture, etc."

Sunday, October 8,1995

8:50 A.M. Departure from La Guardia for the Baltimore-Washington International Airport. The Holy Father's plane is escorted by a squadron of F-16s from the military auxiliary of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Strife, commanded by culture wars ace William "We-don't-have-to-take-it-anymore" Donohue.