The affirmation trap.

"Enough about me; let's talk about you--what do you think of me?" So goes the egotist's joke. It's fruitless to be overly concerned with what others think of you. As Scripture tells us, only fools seek the approval of men. Yet pop psychology, self-help seminars, and far too many religious retreats tell us that we need constant "affirmation" from others around us. And if we don't receive that affirmation on a daily basis, then we'll be unfulfilled or psychologically damaged for life.

However, when you try to please everyone in your life, you can be pulled in a hundred different directions. No one can be all things to all people (except Christ, who is "all in all" 1 Cor 15:28). At the end of the day when you look for that approval from others, you may receive a hundred different responses: "You never come to visit me." "Didn't you wash my jeans today?" "Could you do more revision on this article?" "Are we having leftovers for dinner again?" "Why weren't you at the meeting last night?" And on it goes.

Sometimes in our quest for self-fulfillment, we build up resumes, hoping to impress others--perhaps even God Himself. As if on Judgement Day, we could say, "You have to let me in, Lord; I was really popular in my parish, and just look at all the committees I was on!"

A dozen years ago, when my older children were very small, I was overextended with parish activities, sports, night classes, and community volunteering. Part of me wanted to serve, but most of me wanted to look like Supermom. I remember one phone call in particular where I said "yes" to someone from the parish, and then starting cursing the moment I hung up the phone. I simply couldn't afford the time of energy for yet another project. My family would suffer as a result of this commitment. So why did I do it? Because I didn't want this lady to think badly of me. I wanted her approval, and I wanted one more item on my resume.

At the point of burnout (which we inevitably reach if we're giving and serving for the wrong reasons), it can be tempting to chuck it all, and decide to please only yourself. If you can't give with a smile, don't give at all, right? Yet anyone who's tried that route can tell you how quickly it loses its charm. It's true that we should seek to please only one person, but that person should be God. You'll be amazed at how your priorities fall into place, and how peace will suddenly become attainable, even when things get hectic. You'll even begin to notice that you no longer need constant "affirmation" from others in your life, mainly because you're already receiving it from the only one who really matters.

Instead of being pulled in a hundred directions, you'll find yourself pulled in only one: towards Him. You can, like St. Paul, run the race with eyes fixed securely on your prize--unity with Jesus. You'll be amazed at how much more you accomplish in the process. At the end of the day, when you ask God, "What do you think of me?" (otherwise known as the daily examination of conscience) He might say, "I have loved you with an everlasting love, enough to die for you,--but you are still a sinner. Here's where you fell short today; tomorrow, seek to rely on me and follow me with ever greater faith."

The love and affirmation God gives us is a free gift; we don't deserve it, and can never earn it. That doesn't mean we don't need to try to please Him, however. St. Paul tells us there is a reward for those who have fought the good fight. We long for the day when we will hear the ultimate affirmation (and the only one that counts), "Well done, good and faithful servant."

Mariette Ulrich is a mother and homemaker. She writes from Scott, SK. where she lives with her husband Dan and seven daughters.