The affair trap.

"I'm having an affair." This short message can gravely affect both the speaker and the hearer. The one who listens is usually shocked, panicked, and fearful. The speaker often experiences disorganization, ambivalence, and desperation. Affairs are crisis situations that result in varying degrees of anxiety, stress, and trauma not only for the married couple but also for their family and often the third party.

Most of us begin our married lives wanting our marriages to last forever with a love that continues to grow and mature. We confidently vow in the presence of our family and friends to be faithful to one another "till death do us part." So what happens? What brings on an affair?

Vulnerability. When a person is insecure and not sure of their value or attractiveness, an affair can, at least temporarily, make them feel desirable, especially when a spouse does not provide this feedback.

Impulsivity and a lack of inner control can also play a part. Sometimes traumatic and tragic experiences that predate a marriage (by a number of years) can create resentment, anger, restlessness, and a feeling of inner rebelliousness that a person may not have identified. Engaging in an affair may be an attempt to quiet these.

Certain situations may precede episodes of infidelity such as lengthy separations from a spouse, pregnancy, a debilitating illness of either spouse, societal pressure, and even curiosity.

Problems within the marriage relationship such as unmet expectations, jealousy, a "payback," or punishment for other undesirable behaviors on the part of a spouse often are involved. Sometimes during a "dry spell" in a marriage, a spouse feels pressure to engage in an activity that appears to promise excitement and satisfaction.

Perhaps the most commonly reported reason for breaking marriage vows is a desire for warmth and intimacy on an emotional level.

Many affairs are not really about sex at all; that's just the medium of exchange. Married couples who neglect sharing their lives on a very intimate level (emotionally, intellectually, spiritually) too often discover that they "lose touch." Enter feelings of being misunderstood, ignored, undervalued, distanced, or replaced by work, hobbies, or even the children--and affairs often result.

Many are convinced that a poor sexual relationship leads to affairs. in some cases, yes. But generally additional factors are involved. A poor sexual relationship alone is not affair material. It is usually a signal that a married couple needs help in such areas as communication, respect, and caring for each other.

The progression. Some affairs are short-term dalliances or one-night stands. Others go on for months and even years. A certain percentage of affairs are simply another in a long string of encounters for either party. These affairs are taken rather lightly by one or both persons involved--only bodies are replaced, not intentions.

While types of affairs may differ, they do have certain common elements. They all start somewhere.

* For a length of time, the marriage has been simply drifting along, with no one really too involved in "Minding the store." This may be because of harried schedules, crisis situations in the family, lack of the ability to realize what relationships require, or insufficient motivation to make that effort.

* Feelings of dissatisfaction grow. Questions like "Is it always going to be like this?" "Did I make a mistake in thinking this was going to be a good partnership?" "Some of our friends seem to be happy; what's wrong with us?" and "Why doesn't my spouse make me happy?" begin to surface. Those headed for an affair will continue to feed their dissatisfactions.

* These feelings of discontent eventually find verbal expression, and a third party picks up on them. That person then provides a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a comforting voice. And one can generally find the ear, the shoulder, and the voice without much searching!

* Most affairs start with "meaningful" conversation: "I could never talk to my wife/husband like this!" But emotional closeness and sharing on an intimate level have a way of leading to physical touching. This involvement becomes more intimate and leads to full sexual expression. When parties involved compare this experience with recent marital sex, they give the new relationship higher marks. Consider the excitement, intrigue, secretiveness, and planning involved--not to mention the attention to aesthetic aspects that may be overlooked in marriage. Affairs can be overwhelming--temporarily. Often the spouse who discovers the affair is deeply angry and humiliated, because while he or she was taking care of home the one hurt imagines the involved mate in a love nest, having a great time, great sex, fun together, talking endlessly. But that is not a true picture, generally. It does not reflect the hours of confusion, painful feelings of remorse, and guilt.

* The involved spouse must guard conversation so that the secretive relationship is not revealed. While communication was suffering before the affair, it's now in even deeper trouble.

The noninvolved spouse experiences fear and anxiety that do not enhance the ability to be winsome and charming. This usually means that both husband and wife are seeing the most negative aspects of the other, which feeds dissatisfaction.

* Eventually the truth of the affair becomes known to the uninvolved spouse, draining some of the "hype" from the affair. It no longer is a private passion on cloud nine. It is now simply an affair, with all the possible negative aspects that go with it.

Can this marriage be saved?

What happens now is up to the married couple. The manner in which this crisis is met can affect the marriage either negatively or positively.

Many voices will give advice: "Kick him out"; "Call a lawyer"; "Let him have it!" "Believe me, if it were my wife, that would be the end of that!" Others might say, "That's just how men/women are; don't give up what you've got for you and the kids."

Probably the best advice will sound something like this: "Don't do anything on the spur of the moment" and then these five very important words: "Give yourself time to think. "

Affairs simply don't happen in marriages that are not in some kind of trouble--trouble that may not be easily admitted.

Some helpful questions are Can something be redeemed? What do I want to happen now? Would I rather live alone? What part do I have in this?

This is the stage for calling for a moratorium. Unfortunately this does not happen often enough. But a marriage is a very precious union, even a marriage in trouble. It deserves some time, some careful thought, and some thorough exploration to try to bring something constructive out of a mountain of pain.

Both parties should seek help in thinking things through. Professional assistance is often the best way to go, since family and close friends may not be objective enough to be helpful.

Before going on, perhaps a word should be said about the confession of the unfaithful spouse. In some cases the kindest and most loving thing to do is not to tell. (This is particularly true if the husband or wife has a self-esteem problem or is operating on a narrow margin of emotional reserve. When confession is made, the utmost care should be manifested in the revelation, which would include assuming responsibility for the affair and trying to preserve as much of the spouse's dignity as possible.

In the process of confession, therapists agree on this aspect: confession should not include lengthy and full descriptions of what went on. This is not good for either party. Sometimes the uninvolved spouse insists that this is necessary before he or she can "put it away." This has not proved to be at all helpful. Let the details of time, places, and behaviors be sealed and made unavailable for discussion. This course will bring about healing more rapidly and more completely.

The healing process. Many reunited couples have answered the question "Can you really forgive such a monstrous act against the sanctity of your marriage?" They say, yes, it is possible, though it is not always easy. They tell us that when they both took some responsibility for the affair, then they could work on the mending together, not as adversaries.

Since we each have power to change our own thinking-praise God for that!--reunited couples discovered that rather than linger on past events, they have changed their "mind chatter" and substituted some of the strengths of their relationship.

Forgiveness is also a thorny issue for many. But affairs are not the baggage of only one of the parties. Both are involved.

Having an affair and ignoring God's guidelines for marital faithfulness is saying the wrong things about God's power to protect us from even overwhelming sexual temptations. But not forgiving is also saying the wrong things about God's ability to give us the power to change our thinking and behavior patterns.

Prevention. To be finely tuned to each other's feelings and emotions, to manifest trust and deep regard for the other's activities, ideas, and interests along with demonstrating love and respect is no small order. But this is precisely the way to inoculate against the allure of an affair. In fact, it takes less emotional and physical energy than planning and carrying out an affair. It also costs much less, especially in terms of pain, remorse, recrimination, and nagging doubts. In the final analysis, fidelity is the easier path to follow.

The wise man, Solomon, in his book of Proverbs outlines the results of adultery. Read it in chapters 5 and 6. He lists bitterness, disillusionment, dishonor, reproach, financial problems, and guilt. God wants so much to protect us from these painful results.

Fidelity is not a matter of God's arbitrary insistence, His coercion. It is deeply rooted in our freedom to chose a path that places us in joyous commitment to the one we've chosen to love. In marriage, we do not make this decision only once. We daily reaffirm it.

It has been said that fidelity is not only a silent, passive virtue, but an expressive, active one. As couples strive to be maturing persons, fidelity must grow along with the celebration of marital vows.