The Washington Monthly, 2019.From the editor-in-chief: It's finally here--the 50th anniversary of The Washington Monthly! Who would have thought, when this little periodical began publication half a century ago, in a dingy loft on Connecticut Avenue, that today in 2019 the Monthly would not only be the sole remaining public policy magazine in the EuroAmerican Union but also a leading corporate sponsor of the 2020 Summer Olympics in Pretoria, South Nigeria. I guess it just shows what vision can do. Charles Peters, our founding editor, had the vision to create the Monthly. He had the vision to see the magazine through its numerous lean decades. And he had the vision to be the first respectable magazine to offer the new CD-ROM CD-ROM: see compact disc. CD-ROM in full compact disc read-only memory Type of computer storage medium that is read optically (e.g., by a laser). virtual-reality "centerfolds" with Tru-Feel-lt (TM) interactive sensory-experience data-based sexual mannequins, fully adjustable for all 308 affectional preferences registered with the Federal Commission on Protected Lifestyle Choices. The rest, as Charlie recently told me by holocom from one of the many resort islands he now owns in the South Pacific, was publishing history. As the Monthly's editor since Charlie retired, I am pleased to present this issue, which reviews some high points since the January 1994 25th anniversary. * Susan Threadgill WHERE ARE THEY NOW? Looking back on the fates of Monthly contributors from the 1994 anniversary issue masthead mast·head n. 1. Nautical The top of a mast. 2. The listing in a newspaper or periodical of information about its staff, operation, and circulation. 3. . CHARLES PETERS: It's hard to believe this today, but Charlie once had trouble making ends meet! That was before the 2003 day when he completed simultaneous hostile takeovers of Berkshire Hathaway and the Quantum Fund, ousting the somewhat better known investors Warren Buffett Warren Buffett Known as "the Oracle of Omaha," Buffett is Chairman of Berkshire Hathaway and arguably the greatest investor of all time. His wealth fluctuates with the performance of the market, but for the last few years he has been reported to be worth over $30 billion, making and George Soros, both of whom later became Salvation Army officers. Charlie is now one of the world's richest men, having purchased MicroSoft, Boeing, Limbaugh's DoubleFried Steak franchise, the Hyatt Interactive Tru-Feel-lt (TM) No-Risk Simu-Tryst chain and other important properties. Charlie, though, remains a man of the people A Man of the People is a 1966 satirical novel by Chinua Achebe. It is Achebe's fourth novel. The novel tells the story of the young and educated Odili, the narrator, and his conflict with Chief Nanga, his former teacher who enters a career in politics in modern Nigeria. . For instance, every week he flies one of his private jets to Charleston, West Virginia Not to be confused with Charles Town, West Virginia. Charleston is the capital of the U.S. state of West Virginia. It is located at the confluence of the Elk and Kanawha Rivers in Kanawha County. As of the 2000 census, it has a population of 53,421. , to report to the Veterans Administration hospital for free treatment of injuries suffered in his 2006 stun-phaser duel with Norman Podhoretz regarding the honor of a certain 1948 Columbia University coed whose exact name neither could remember. How did Peters leap from penury pen·u·ry n. 1. Extreme want or poverty; destitution. 2. Extreme dearth; barrenness or insufficiency. [Middle English penurie, from Latin to wealth? Alert readers may recall the small-type ownership statements that once ran in every October issue. These were the boxes that succinctly explained the Monthly to be a product of Washington Monthly Co., which was a subsidiary of Washington Monthly Partnership, which was a joint venture of Washington Monthly Subordinated Debentures Fund, which was a wholly owned division of Washington Monthly Realty Trust, which was an affiliate of Washington Monthly Bank of Credit and Commerce. In the old days Charlie said the purpose of this elaborate corporate shell was to protect investors from liability, to render Pepco unable to collect on the utility bill, and so on. Now every first-year business student knows that Peters was patiently using this elaborate ruse to take over Berkshire Hathaway, Quantum, and other corporate targets. Peters realized a moment of national notoriety in 2012 when he attained his lifelong goal of being appointed head of the federal General Unaccountability Office (formerly General Accounting Office). Peters was later forced to resign from the position when during the course of a televised hearing into $28-apiece pure-titanium paper clips being used by record clerks at the Superconducting Supercollider, Peters became disoriented dis·o·ri·ent tr.v. dis·o·ri·ent·ed, dis·o·ri·ent·ing, dis·o·ri·ents To cause (a person, for example) to experience disorientation. Adj. 1. and, apparently thinking he was at lunch with a Monthly editor, motioned to the nearest young female congressional aide and declared, "Waitress, I'll have the usual--a double Amaretto am·a·ret·to n. pl. am·a·ret·tos An Italian liqueur flavored with almond. [Italian, diminutive of amaro, bitter, from Latin am martini with a frozen Heineken smoothie smooth·ie also smooth·y n. pl. smooth·ies Slang 1. A person regarded as being assured and artfully ingratiating in manner. 2. A smooth-tongued person. and a shot of Galliano on the side." JAMES FALLOWS: Elected President in 2004 running on the independent Neocrat ticket, Fallows was swept into office on a wave of antiJapanese sentiment following the 2003 incident in which the Nakamoto Corporation purchased the entire state of Illinois and then leased it back to current residents. Fallows thus became the first officially neoliberal ne·o·lib·er·al·ism n. A political movement beginning in the 1960s that blends traditional liberal concerns for social justice with an emphasis on economic growth. ne politician to win national office. His administration was rocked with scandal nearly from the beginning, however, especially since just a few days after Fallows was sworn in, The Washington Monthly published a cover story headlined, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE CORRUPT, VENAL VENAL. Something that is bought. The term is generally applied in a bad sense; as, a venal office is an office which has been purchased. , BASE, INCOMPETENT, HORRIFIC FALLOWS ADMINISTRATION. Speaking to reporters, Peters noted that it had long been a Monthly tradition to write articles sharply critical of people the Monthly would be expected to like. "If I hadn't gone after Jim, Paul Warnke would have been furious," Peters explained. Admitting the article had been committed to type even before Fallows was sworn in, Peters added, "It's his own fault. He hadn't invited me to the White House for a state dinner yet." Fallows attempted a program of neoliberal reforms, asking Congress for legislation that would limit physician incomes to $29 million per year; establish hourly first-class sleeper train service from Washington to Charleston, West Virginia, at an average public subsidy of $287,000 per passenger; make public schools and the draft mandatory for everyone except children of Fallows' friends and members of his administration; close the Superconducting Supercollider, restored by Congress in 1995 following its 1993 cancellation and expanded into a six-county combination science project and theme park employing 625,000 supervisory personnel. The Fallows administration hit rock bottom in 2007 when a military strike against a terrorist camp in KoromoTaji-Karastan, a newly independent republic of 800 people in the territory of the former Turkic-Russo Transitory Alliance, went awry. A dozen complex, billion-dollar Goldfinch goldfinch: see finch. goldfinch Any of several species (genus Carduelis, family Carduelidae) of songbirds that have a short, notched tail and much yellow in the plumage. wheat-seeking missiles, fired from the sole remaining functional B-2 bomber, missed Koromo-TajiKarastan by some 1,200 miles and instead impacted in an art gallery in Geneva Geneva, canton and city, Switzerland Geneva (jənē`və), Fr. Genève, canton (1990 pop. 373,019), 109 sq mi (282 sq km), SW Switzerland, surrounding the southwest tip of the Lake of Geneva. in the former Switzerland (now a member of the Greater Serbian Alliance). At a grim press conference announcing the fiasco, Fallows protested that "the Pentagon assured me this weapons system was accurate to within three microns and 100 percent reliable," Fallows declined to stand for reelection re·e·lect also re-e·lect tr.v. re·e·lect·ed, re·e·lect·ing, re·e·lects To elect again. re in 2008, handing his party's nomination to the former Oregon governor and Monthly contributor Phil Keisling. PHIL KEISLING: Keisling, a Western populist, instituted many government-openness programs. Keisling installed video cameras in the White House so that all cabinet meetings and staff sessions could be broadcast live on CSPAN-6. He allowed himself to be accompanied 24 hours a day by a rotating team of monitors from such good-government groups as the League of Anatomically Correct Voters (formerly League of Women Voters League of Women Voters, voluntary public service organization of U.S. citizens. Organized in 1920 in Chicago as an outgrowth of the National American Woman Suffrage Association, it had as its original nucleus the leaders of the latter organization. ) and the American Inappropriate Speech Suppression Union (formerly American Civil Liberties Union American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), nonpartisan organization devoted to the preservation and extension of the basic rights set forth in the U.S. Constitution. ). Sadly, Keisling became the fourth U.S. president to resign the office (following Richard Nixon's first resignation, Nixon's second resignation after his second election, and the resignation of President Naomi Wolf to head the Chanel fashion empire) when he was enmeshed en·mesh also im·mesh tr.v. en·meshed, en·mesh·ing, en·mesh·es To entangle, involve, or catch in or as if in a mesh. See Synonyms at catch. in the Upgrade-gate scandal. Keisling was forced to disclose that he was once upgraded from coach to first class on MegaAir (formed by the 2006 merger of the sole remaining U.S. carriers, Southwest Airlines and Air Lorenzo), yet did not declare the difference between the fares as income on his federal tax returns. All major news organizations called for Keisling's resignation within 45 seconds of the acknowledgement. Keisling returned to his home state to become a minor functionary in the Spotted Owl Defense Force that rings Oregon's forests, off-limits to humans since 2002. MICHAEL KINSLEY: In 1997, replaced Sally Jesse Raphael as host of a morning talk show. Switched from tortoise shell the substance of the shell or horny plates of several species of sea turtles, especially of the hawkbill turtle. It is used in inlaying and in the manufacture of various ornamental articles. See also: Tortoise to red-rimmed glasses. First day's guest: a woman who was her own surrogate mother. TAYLOR BRANCH: On completion of his work on Martin Luther King, decided to write a biography of the biographer Robert Caro. The project evolved into an 11-volume epic whose second volume, Caro: The Rewrite Years, Branch is just now completing. SUZANNAH LESSARD: In 2004, became the final editor of The New Yorker, shortly before the magazine ceased publication after a corporate auditing team from Disney Interactive, its owner, declared the typical New Yorker story length of 275 words "far too long for the modern reader." Lessard replaced former editor Tina Brown, who was dismissed after she inadvertently activated at a corporate board meeting a prototype Tru-Feel-lt (TM) virtual-reality centerfold cen·ter·fold n. 1. A magazine center spread, especially a foldout of an oversize photograph or feature. 2. a. The subject of a photograph used as a centerfold, often a nude model. b. mannequin system that Brown had programmed to enact one of her own fantasies, which cannot be described here except to say that it involved Prince Charles, Diana and Fergie; the training of Buckingham Palace guards; disciplinary procedures at British girls schools; and an unnamed 13-year-old boy who filed certain legal charges against the former pop musician Michael Jackson (now known as Michelle Tao-Sigma-Rigel) in 1994. TOM BETHELL and THOMAS N. BETHELL: Made national tabloid headlines in 2011 when they jointly married Patty Duke. GREGG EASTERBROOK: Perished tragically in 1999 when, speaking to an environmental forum at the Harvard Temple of Goddess Obsequence (formerly Harvard Divinity School Harvard Divinity School is one of the constituent schools of Harvard University, located in Cambridge, Massachusetts, in the United States. The School's purpose is to train graduate students—either in the academic study of religion, or in the practice of a religious ministry. ), he criticized the proposed Moss and Lichen lichen (lī`kən), usually slow-growing organism of simple structure, composed of fungi (see Fungi) and photosynthetic green algae or cyanobacteria living together in a symbiotic relationship and resulting in a structure that resembles neither Preservation Act, which would ban all human activity within 500 miles of federally protected fungus. After asking, "Aren't people more important than spores?" Easterbrook was accidentally crushed when enraged en·rage tr.v. en·raged, en·rag·ing, en·rag·es To put into a rage; infuriate. [Middle English *enragen, from Old French enrager : en-, causative pref. divinity students and representatives of the American Inappropriate Speech Suppression Union surged to cut off the microphone. M. ROBERT KAUS KAUS Austin-Bergstrom International Airport (Austin, Texas) : Named to the Supreme Court in 2015 when William Rehnquist expired after 43 years of service, the final seven of those years conducted via holocom from Rehnquist's suspension chamber at Bethesda Naval Hospital, where his prefrontal cortex was connected to maintenance devices following the death of his cardiovascular system, digestive system, and brain stem and the inadvertent erasure ERASURE, contracts, evidence. The obliteration of a writing; it will render it void or not under the same circumstances as an interlineation. (q.v.) Vide 5 Pet. S. C. R. 560; 11 Co. 88; 4 Cruise, Dig. 368; 13 Vin. Ab. 41; Fitzg. 207; 5 Bing. R. 183; 3 C. & P. 65; 2 Wend. R. 555; 11 Conn. of most of his personality by a poorly trained night shift technician. (All other eight members of the Court remain the same as they were in 1994; three still actually sitting at the Court, five in cortex suspension chambers.) After Mickey Kaus had changed his name for the third time and finally hit on a combination that sounded sufficiently serious, he had become a prominent legal theorist, principally for his advocacy of the death penalty for false statements on public-assistance forms. Soon after becoming a justice, Kaus wrote the Court's landmark decision in Hillary Rodham Rodham is an English surname which may refer to a number of persons or places. People Family of Hillary Rodham Clinton
n.pr department in the U.S. agency of Health and Human Services responsible for the oversight of the Medicaid and Medicare benefit programs, including guidelines, payment, and coverage policies. ), in which the former First Lady, since remarried to cable magnate Ted Turner after Jane Fonda left Turner to cyber-meld with Ross Perot, had sued insisting her 1994 health care reform legislation had never been intended to grant doctors a constitutional right to bill all hotel, cruise, and vacation-home expenses directly to the U.S. Treasury. Kaus used the case as an opening to reimpose Re`im`pose´ v. t. 1. To impose anew. Verb 1. reimpose - impose anew; "The fine was reimposed" levy, impose - impose and collect; "levy a fine" the draft, call in the big bills, abolish teacher certification, force Ivy League universities to itemize To individually state each item or article. Frequently used in tax accounting, an itemized account or claim separately lists amounts that add up to the final sum of the total account on claim. tuition costs, repeal the Fifth Amendment, establish loser-pays litigation An action brought in court to enforce a particular right. The act or process of bringing a lawsuit in and of itself; a judicial contest; any dispute. When a person begins a civil lawsuit, the person enters into a process called litigation. , extend Red Tag postal service to small monthly magazines, charge private pilots per radio call to air traffic control, and increase departures of subsidized first-class sleeper trains between Washington, DC, and Charleston, West Virginia, to every fifteen minutes. MY FAVORITE REFORMS, 1994-2019 RESTORE CREDENTIALISM cre·den·tial·ism n. Overemphasis on diplomas or degrees in giving jobs or conferring social status: "Neo-liberalism made useful points in its critique of vested interests, of bureaucratic follies I guess I've got nothing to complain about, since both my boys got into Harvard. But should they really have been admitted based on good luck in a lottery administered by Publishers Clearinghouse? Since all admissions requirements were abolished at U.S. universities in 2001, it's hard not to feel that standards have declined somewhat. Now government agencies are forbidden to use tests or background information, too. Last year the Foreign Service was forced to admit to its translator corps 16 people who only speak one language, since in 2004 a federal court ruled that asking applicants if they speak more than one language is "disguised cultural bias." Maybe credentialism wasn't so bad after all. * Nicholas Lemann IMPOSE TEACHER LITERACY TESTING I guess I've got nothing to complain about, since my kids attend the Hapsburg Country Day School of South Northampton, but somehow the idea that public school teachers need no longer be literate rubs me the wrong way. The National Teachers Absolute Life Tenure Regardless of Incompetence or Felony Conviction Association (formerly National Education Association) has too much influence with the Party of Color (formerly Democratic Party) in this regard. At last year's POC (Proof Of Concept) See PoC exploit. POC - Point Of Contact national convention, NTALTRIFCA delegates shouted down the gray eminence, Arthur Schlesinger, Jr., when he tried to reminisce rem·i·nisce intr.v. rem·i·nisced, rem·i·nisc·ing, rem·i·nisc·es To recollect and tell of past experiences or events. [Back-formation from reminiscence. from the podlum about the days when public school teachers read aloud to schoolchildren schoolchildren school npl → écoliers mpl; (at secondary school) → collégiens mpl; lycéens mpl schoolchildren school , rather than running books through digital voice scanners. This year NTALTRIFCA passed a resolution declaring that books themselves are a "repressive cultural artifact" and that all classroom instruction should be based on African oral traditions. If a nononsense, down-to-Earth person like AI Sharpton were still president, they'd never get away with that! * Joe Nocera BRING BACK KENNEDY'S SEX LIFE I guess I've got nothing to complain about, since I passed a happy youth when it was still legal to have actual relations with other human beings. All existing actual physical relationships between people were "grandfathered" under the Abolition of Even the Slightest Hint of Sexual Harassment Through Abolition of the Sex Act Act of 1998. I must say the fact that actual sex is now abolished, and that men and women are now forbidden by law to speak to each other without at least two witnesses and a legally bonded member of the Gender Police present, does have its advantages in the workplace, especially in a highly charged, competitive environment such as the one I work in, the Washington Interactive News Paragraphs Hardfax (formerly The Washington Post). But it does make me wonder whether today's generation isn't missing out on something. By chance I bumped into former Senator Ted Kennedy at the Blockbuster Sprawlplex the other day. He was checking out the new Tru-Feel-lt (TM) CD-ROM that creates a fully interactive actual-size simulacrum of the 1977 UCLA UCLA University of California at Los Angeles UCLA University Center for Learning Assistance (Illinois State University) UCLA University of Carrollton, TX and Lower Addison, TX cheerleaders' locker room. Kennedy seemed kind of a pathetic character, slinking away into the night, alone with his data set. It made me wonder if the old days of a lunch and a dalliance weren't so bad. As I checked out my own simulacrum package, a little diversion that recreates the closing arguments in the 1997 Lorena Bobbitt-Mike Tyson divorce trial, I wanted to touch his hand and say, "It's OK, Ted." But of course I would have immediately been arrested. * Katherine Boo REPEAL THE AIRPORT REFORESTATION Reforestation The reestablishment of forest cover either naturally or artificially. Given enough time, natural regeneration will usually occur in areas where temperatures and rainfall are adequate and when grazing and wildfires are not too frequent. ACT Former Vice President Al Gore was right to point out that airports are "concrete deserts." But I've taken a few plane rides since the passage of the Airport Reforestation Act and find the landings terrifying ter·ri·fy tr.v. ter·ri·fied, ter·ri·fy·ing, ter·ri·fies 1. To fill with terror; make deeply afraid. See Synonyms at frighten. 2. To menace or threaten; intimidate. , to say nothing of bumpy. It's true that forested airports subtract carbon dioxide from the atmosphere, but couldn't we accomplish as much by requiring everyone to save energy by turning off his, her, or their litigation monitors--you know, the new shoulder-mounted devices that record a video image of your entire life, for later use in court--at night or when they're in the shower? * Art Levine BAN THE NO HUDDLE OFFENSE Last January the Buffalo Bills lost the Super Bowl for the 29th consecutive year. This time they were defeated 395 to 2 by the RaleighDurham Rabid Raccoons thus becoming the only team to lose a Super Bowl to a first year expansion franchise. After the game Buffalo coach Marv Levy, the first 90-year-old ever to coach in the Super Bowl, maintained that he "never thinks about the previous 28 losses" and that "next year we'll be back and we'll try to get it right." Levy admitted that he had not even watched the game. The no huddle offense has become a metaphor for the failed aspects of liberalism. It's time to try a non-bureaucratic offense that would combine the spirit of the old Works Progress Administration Works Progress Administration: see Work Projects Administration. with the educational benefits of the GI bill, the good intentions of the early 1960s Peace Corps . (Note to editor: insert standard Monthly dogma) * Jonathan Alter |
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