The Rah-Bay way: teaching social skills at camp.

Camp is the perfect place for children to develop social skills. Often how much a child enjoys camp depends more on the quality of the social interactions with other campers than on the quality of the facilities or even the staff. If a child goes home unhappy, it is often because another camper called him names or whispered secrets about him.

Camp Kiwi, in Mahopac, New York, has developed a program called Rah-Bay that introduces basic social skills through enjoyable role-playing activities. Once campers demonstrate competency in the program, they are expected to use these skills, which often help them get what they want more easily and resolve conflict more equitably.

Rah-Bay, which means all the good things that a child should receive from and contribute to a community, centers on two basic skills:

* Request power: Asking directly for what you want without complaining, whining, or demanding.

* Deny power: Saying "no" to a request and giving a reason.

Even when these skills fail to provide solutions, they leave the door open to negotiate conflict resolution procedures that produce win-win outcomes.

Steps of Conflict Resolution

Position of strength

When a camper making a request cannot accept a denial, he folds his arms across his chest in the position of strength, initiating a formal conflict resolution. The person denying the request signals her willingness to take part in the conflict resolution procedure by also assuming the position of strength.

Exchange of wants

Each party in the conflict tells the other what he or she wants and why (a deeper want) without talking about the past. After listening to the first person's wants, the second person repeats what he said. This ensures listening, builds trust between the disputing parties, and increases faith in a win-win outcome. The second person then speaks and the first person listens and repeats what was said.

Example

John: I want my chair back so I can sit next to my friend Paul. (Not I want my chair back because I was there first!)

Mary: You want the chair so you can sit next to Paul. OK, I want the chair so I can sit and eat my lunch.

John: You want to sit in this chair so you can eat your lunch.

Proposals for win-win resolution

Either party or a neutral peace-keeper makes proposals to resolve the conflict. There are three types of proposals (to be considered in this order):

Not enough; get more. John and Mary both want the chair. There aren't enough chairs; get another chair.

Can't get more; share. Perhaps it turns out when another chair is provided that what Bob really wants is not just a seat but a seat next to Paul. John and Mary share Paul by sitting on either side of him.

Don't want to or can't share; make a deal. Mary sits next to Paul for the first ten minutes of lunch, and John, because he goes second, sits next to Paul for the last fifteen minutes of lunch.

Acceptance or nonacceptance of a proposal

Parties signal acceptance of a proposal with a thumbs up sign or non-acceptance with a thumbs down. No other nonacceptance indicator should be permitted, especially not trust-destroying verbalizations. As soon as all parties give the thumbs up, the process is over.

If no agreement is reached, find out each camper's goal, or his deeper want.

Example

John: I want to sit next to Paul to tell him about my weekend.

Mary: I want to sit next to Paul so I can ask him how we're going to get to soccer practice Saturday morning.

Since Mary needs only a minute or two, she goes first; John gets the rest of the time.

Often the failure to find an agreeable proposal is a product of bad-faith negotiating: a battle for power, an attempt to be the boss and win by making the other lose. When the peace-keeper sees this happening, he may resort to a two-fair-sides resolution proposal. In this type of proposal, each party is given a last chance to come up with an equitable proposal: the first person sits next to John for twelve minutes, and then the other person sits next to John for thirteen minutes. As soon as someone comes up with such a proposal, the parties "shoot it out" (rock-paper-scissors, odds and evens); the winner picks his side of the two-fair-sides proposal.

Two other resolutions are the last-best resolution and arbitration. In the last-best resolution, the peace-keeper asks for one last proposal from each side, telling the campers that he will pick the fairest of the two (exactly as given) and implement it. In arbitration, both sides agree to let the peace-keeper resolve the dispute.

The habitual use of request, deny, and conflict resolution promotes understanding, respect, and tolerance. Campers can increase self-awareness, learning that asking for what you want is easier if you know exactly what it is; develop empathy by learning to listen to others and understanding that other people have wants too; learn to build a consensus; and learn to think before acting so that the consequences more often come out in their favor. By learning alternatives to intimidation, bullying, passive aggression, and social withdrawal, campers can develop positive social skills and have a positive camp experience.

Neil Hawlk has an master's degree in educational theater and is currently pursuing a master's degree in social work. He has taught high school classes and a gifted program in drama, has worked as a social skills consultant in elementary through high schools, and has directed a school-age child care center for fourteen years. During the last fifteen summers, he has been a drama counselor, assistant director, director, and social skills programmer at summer camps in Westchester and Putnum counties in New York.