The Next Generation.

OPEN-MINDED AND WELL-ADJUSTED, CHILDREN WITH GAY PARENTS SAY THEIR FAMILIES ARE A GIFT

When members of the post-Stonewall generation grew up, they began having children. Whether through adoption, divorce, surrogate motherhood, or turkey-baster baby making, lesbians and gay men became parents in record numbers. Lesbians began earlier, with gay fathers becoming more common about a decade ago. That's why older kids, like the famous fictional Heather, tend to have two mommies. But among the toddler set, there are now many two-daddy homes.

Whatever their age, these children are the first generation of Americans raised in households with openly gay parents, and despite some narrow-mindedness they see in their peers, they describe their experience as, for the most part, enjoyable and enriching.

For example, how many children can say they spent their formative years wandering the gay-male redoubts of San Francisco? Felicia Park-Rogers can. She was born to unmarried parents in counterculture California. "I was their love child," she says. When she was 3 her father came out and her mom started seeing women. "I had shared custody," she recalls. "Dad moved to the Castro. It was totally fun. I was this cute little girl walking around with my cute little dad, and we'd go to the Castro Theater and watch Bette Davis movies while Mom was at consciousness-raising groups and feminist conferences."

Because their experiences are so different from those of their peers with heterosexual parents, many kids of gay parents find each other through Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere, the San Francisco-based group that grew from the gay parenting movement in the early 1990s. There they can find friendship, camaraderie, and support from people who know what their lives are like from firsthand experience.

Park-Rogers, 28, is COLAGE's director. As a lesbian herself, she also belongs to Second Generation, a COLAGE program for gay children of gay parents. Connecting with others like herself "was a really powerful experience," she says. "It was great to meet people who grew up the way I did."

Many children with gay or lesbian parents say living in these households has helped them develop open minds about politics, sexuality, gender, and other issues. Sol Kelley-Jones, a 12-year-old in Madison, Wis., with two lesbian mothers, says her upbringing has been nothing short of wonderful for that reason.

"I love the gay and lesbian community!" Kelley-Jones says. "The people are who they are. They don't have to be a certain way or a certain gender, just themselves. And that's truly wonderful because I feel like I can be me too."

Cody Fine, 17, who was raised in San Francisco by two lesbians, says, "I feel different from almost everybody. For a while I didn't like that, but now I love it. I love being open-minded. I always try to hear others' opinions and not judge them. I think that with two females heading the household, I'm a lot better at expressing my emotions than other males."

But life for children of lesbians and gays and is not all warm feelings and Bette Davis movies. Sometimes they face ostracism, harassment, even violence. Sometimes they are treated as objects of intense curiosity.

"It's been at hard at times," Kelley-Jones admits. "I've had kids call me `faggot' or refuse to eat lunch with me. My second week in kindergarten, a kid hit another kid and called him a `fag.' It's funny--at 5 they don't know about sexual orientation, but they sure know that word."

Adolescent pressure to be just like everyone else creates its own problems as kids grow older. Kelley-Jones says middle school "has been really hard. I'm completely overwhelmed by all the homophobic name-calling. It's every other word, and it wears me down. But I always try to hold my head high."

Daniel Cooper, a 13-year-old who lives on Long Island, N.Y., with his brother, three sisters, and their gay fathers, says he has "never, ever" been harassed personally. But those words are still there. "People joke about it at school, but they joke about everybody's parents," he says. "I hear `faggot' used to describe other people, but it's never directed at my parents. Otherwise, I'd get very mad."

Fine says middle school was difficult for him too. "I was constantly confronted with words like `homo,' `fag,' and `dyke,' and it was really hurtful," he says. "I felt they were attacking my parents. Still, I'm pretty lucky. Nobody ever held it against me. They never said I couldn't play kickball because my parents were gay."

Sometimes children of gay and lesbian parents have to deal with far greater problems than teasing. For Park-Rogers, having a gay dad meant dealing with HIV and AIDS at a tender age. Today, her father is HIV-positive but healthy. But most of his friends--her "uncles" growing up--are dead. "The Castro was a very hard place to be the '80s," she recalls.

Most children now are fortunately spared such losses. What they are receiving instead is what they most crave: a normal life. Cooper says his father is a soccer coach and his "poppa" is the soccer mom. "Poppa cooks, cleans, and hangs out with the other moms at the games," he says. "My friends love them. When they see them they go, `Hey, there's your dads!'"

And Kelley-Jones, possibly the nation's youngest gay rights activist, spends time educating others, trying to make life for normal for everyone. She conducted a survey of homophobia among fourth and fifth graders at school and followed up with a multimedia presentation. She also testifies at government hearings. "I see people with political power standing against the door of injustice and trying to keep that door shut because they're afraid," she says. "And who's on the other side? Nobody scary. Just kids and families like us."

Kirby is a regular contributor to The New York Times.

Find more about children with gay parents and links to related Internet sites at www.advocate.com