The Long View.

The New Financial-Reporting Ethics Takes Hold

SEATTLE, WA October 9, 2002 (AP) Cody and Jason Palandjian were arrested last night by agents of the FBI and charged with violations of the newly passed Federal Ethical Reporting Act. The two brothers, aged seven and nine, were allegedly placing small bits of aluminum foil into the Palandjian family microwave while their parents, Michelle and David, were on the second floor of their comfortable, spacious suburban home. Hearing loud popping noises followed by the delighted shrieks of her sons, Michelle Palandjian called downstairs to investigate. "Boys?" she reportedly asked in a loud tone of voice. "What on earth is going on down there?" After a suspiciously long silence, they both answered in unison, "Nothing." Minutes later, after all of the circuit breakers in the Palandjian's two-story Normandy-style home blew, David Palandjian placed a call to the local FBI office. "It was their 24-hour whistleblower hotline," the trim 42-year-old said. "I think the boys need a lesson in honest reporting, and as a father and an investor, I couldn't just let this pass." Cody and Jason Palandjian are scheduled to be arraigned next week. They are currently in the federal holding area for Financial Task Force detainees.

NEW YORK, NY February 17, 2003 (Newsday) Two investment bankers at the troubled JP Morgan Chase investment bank were arrested this morning in the culmination of a six-month sting operation, involving 45 agents of the Federal Truth in Reporting Task Force working in cooperation with the NYPD, FBI, and investigators from the SEC Investigative Unit. Both were removed from their offices in shackles and mouthguards after each was overheard inflating the number of sexual partners and experiences he had allegedly enjoyed.

SCOTTSDALE, AZ November 12, 2002 (UPI) Mr. Forrest Blair, 62, a resident of the Whispering Mesa Estates area of Scottsdale, was arrested yesterday afternoon on the 18th green by agents of the Federal Financial Reporting Task Force. Agents report that Mr. Blair attempted to flee the scene when confronted with evidence of rampant score tampering. "He should have carded a 103, maybe a 104 for the round," Agent Frank Jones reported. "Instead, he shaved a few off of the early holes when no one was looking. He gave himself a 99." Agents report that they had been following Mr. Blair for most of the round. The entire operation took almost 24 agents in total -- some disguised as a slow-playing foursome in front, some as a fast twosome behind, and some as hot-dog girls. Mr. Blair is in critical condition in Mesa Verde Hospital following an extremely low-speed golf- cart chase. He suffered a heart attack walking back to the clubhouse in leg irons. "Tampering with a score hurts all of us," Agent Jones said at a subsequent press conference, defending his aggressive techniques in apprehending Mr. Blair. "If the public loses confidence in a person's golf score, what's next? An artificial handicap? Mulligans? I mean, why have rules at all then?"

HINSDALE, IL October 23, 2002 (Tribune Features Syndicate) Joan S. Mullaney, 49, was executed this morning by lethal injection, following her conviction and sentencing for reading her daughter's diary and then lying about it. In her last statement, Mrs. Mullaney defiantly defended her actions by saying that she was worried that her then 16-year-old daughter was "hanging around with the wrong crowd" and possibly "getting into drugs or whatever." It was just this lack of repentance for her false reporting that led the judge to hand down the harshest penalty afforded by the newly signed Federal Truth in Reporting Act.

BOSTON, MA December 21, 2002 (Reuters) Ms. Olivia Martin was convicted today of lying about her weight. Through heavy sobs, she told a packed courtroom of supporters and detractors that she was "very, very sorry" to have told her colleagues at work that she weighed only 135 pounds, when in fact her true weight was "closer to 142." The petite former systems analyst for a large Boston-area pharmaceutical company has been in federal custody since late August, after an anonymous phone call to the Ethical Reporting Task Force identified her as a "chronic numbers fudger." The trial has been something of a controversy in this area, as local residents have been divided in pro-Martin and anti-Martin camps. The pro-Martin camp -- made up mostly of thin, attractive people -- have argued that her form of dishonesty, while serious, does not merit the rancor and bitterness it has inspired. The anti-Martin camp -- made up mostly of the clinically obese -- have argued that it is just such false reporting that has led to an unrealistic cultural attitude towards weight. "When she sashays around saying how she's only 135," argued Mary Jane Lowonsky, spokeswoman for the anti-Martin forces, "she makes those of us who are 207 or 210 feel really, really fat. But if she's, like, 142, well, you know, that's a lot better." When asked about the penalty phase of the trial, Miss Lowonsky was blunt: "I don't think they should fry her. I think they should deep-fry her."