The Long View.

NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY

TELEPHONE TRANSCRIPT

7 APRIL 2001 09:35

BEGIN EXTRACT

president of the united states: You're risking a whole lot of really good stuff here, Jang.

president of the people's republic of china: Sir, respectfully, it's "Jiang." Say it like "jee" and then "ang." Jiang.

potus: Right. Jang. Got it. Sorry.

potprc: You say you are sorry? Well, Mr. President, that is all we have been waiting for. I shall release the-

potus: I meant I was sorry about the name thing, Jang. Just the name thing. And only the name thing. We clear?

potprc: An apology, sir, is the only way we can return your plane and your personnel with honor.

potus: We were in international air space, bud.

potprc: You were spying.

potus: Whatever. We were doing it international-wise.

potprc: Surely, sir, something as simple as an unconditional apology would not be so difficult for a man of your confidence to offer? Surely, sir, you understand how deeply my people feel the loss of our pilot. And how troubled we are by incursions into our territory.

potus: Lemme jaw at you for a sec, Jang. I know how this works, okay? This is the old test-the-new-guy's-mettle type thing, where you try to find out what old GW is made of, right? Right. Well, you know what I'm made of? Right now I'm made of pretty mad stuff, Jang.

potprc: Mr. President, there are forces in my country that compel me to take this stance. These forces will accept nothing less than a complete apology and an admission from you that your country was entirely in error.

potus: What about the forces in my country?

potprc: You are referring to Senator John McCain?

potus: Brother, you think you got trouble . . .

potprc: My question, sir, is, Why is not such a troublesome figure placed in a reeducation facility?

potus: You know something, Jang? That's my question too. Personally, I'm sorry I ever reached out to the guy.

potprc: You are sorry? Sir, your apology is accepted. The crew and airplane are free to-

potus: Not so fast, Jango. Do you mind if I call you Jango?

potprc: Is that one of your famous nicknames, sir?

potus: Well, it's the one I'm going to tell you about. Now listen up. Lemme give you a little American-history lesson. Are you familiar with a recent failed one-term American president?

potprc: You are referring, perhaps, to your father?

potus: No, Jango, I'm referring to Jimmy Carter. And you knew that.

potprc: True, sir.

potus: Okay. You know what killed his chances for a second term? It wasn't interest rates, or recession, or malaise, or any of that stuff.

potprc: I believe your country is entering a similar period right now.

potus: Okay, then. We agree on something. See, he and Ronald Reagan were running pretty much neck-and-neck up to the last month of the campaign. But it was the hostages-the embassy guys held in Iran-that did the trick. That's what made the difference. Do you see where I'm going with this?

potprc: That the hostages in Iran were responsible for Ronald Reagan's presidency, and George Bush's vice presidency, and, indirectly, your presidency?

potus: No, Jango. That the hostages tanked Carter's second term in a way that high unemployment and a lousy economy couldn't. You think you've got problems? Try running for office, Jango. You want me to feel sorry for you? You ever heard what they say about me on CNN? News flash, my Chinese friend: Over here, I ain't allowed to send Dan Rather to the Gulag, or whatever you call yours there.

potprc: A pity, sir.

potus: So don't give me the old "internal forces" line, Jango. I mean, cry me a [expletive deleted] river. You want out of this crisis? Send 'em all back.

potprc: In our language, the symbol for "crisis" is also the symbol for "opportunity."

potus: Yeah, yeah. Heard that one. But, see, I'm from Texas. We don't have symbols. We have, like, big hats and stuff. And steak. Okay? We done with the chit-chat? Send 'em all back, Jango, with the plane and we'll keep this all real upscale, okay?

potprc: There is an ancient saying in my country, Mr. President: "For every moon, a boxwood tree."

potus: You ever heard of something called a "West Texas Ass Kicking"?

potprc: "The ox has many flies-but only one tail."

potus: You're losing me on the fortune-cookie stuff there, Jang. Gotta lot of important stuff to get to, so let's make this all nicey-nice, okay? Send 'em home with the hardware. Not gonna say it again.

potprc: "The chicken and the pepper are friends only on the plate."

potus: I don't get that one.

potprc: "A butterfly may be a tiger; but the caterpillar can only be a moth."

potus: Still not getting it. I'm sorry.

potprc: You are?

potus: Excuse me?

potprc: Apology accepted, Mr. President.

potus: What the flying [expletive deleted]?

potprc: Quite gracious. Quite honorable.

potus: Now you listen here, you little-

potprc: The detainees are free to go. The plane is yours. Good day, sir.

potus: Um . . .

[Click. Dial tone.]

potus: Hello? Hello?

END EXTRACT