The Beaches of Cardboard County; SOAP WHERE THEY SAY IT WITH BUBBLES.
STILL missing Dallas and Dynasty? Has there been a yawning void in your life ever since they sank Knots Landing and demolished Pacific Palisades Palisades, cliffs along the west bank of the Hudson River, NE N.J. and SE N.Y., extending from N of Jersey City, N.J., to the vicinity of Piermont, N.Y., with a general altitude of from 350 ft to 550 ft (107–168 m). ?
Come with me to Cardboard County, California, home of Sunset Beach (weekdays, C5, omnibus edition : Saturday afternoon).
I've not seen anything quite so sensationally, stupefyingly awful since that other cut-price daytime soap Santa Barbara, where the most moving performances were by the scenery and the lead actor quit so often that every other episode would begin with a caption saying: today the part of C C Capstick is played by... (fill in name).
Sunset Beach is full of the same beautiful people - tanned and willowy wil·low·y
adj. wil·low·i·er, wil·low·i·est
1. Planted with or abounding in willows.
2. Resembling a willow tree, especially:
a. Flexible; pliant.
b. Tall, slender, and graceful. creatures with long, luscious legs, big hair, big teeth and big cleavages. And that's just the men.
The acting style is all hand-wringing, eye-rolling, lip-trembling and hair-tossing. Yes, and the women do it, too.
The first thing you notice about Sunset Beach is that there doesn't seem to be a beach.
No one ever goes outdoors, so heaven knows how they got those gleaming suntans.
The second thing you notice is our very own Lesley-Anne Down, out-Sue- Ellening Sue-Ellen as beautiful, rich but tragic Olivia.
Olivia's baby has been stolen by her husband Gregory's secretary Annie, but Olivia was drugged at the time and can't remember a damn thing.
How do I know this? Because all the characters give voice to their innermost thoughts, like speech bubbles hovering over their heads.
This is extremely helpful for new viewers.
Here's Annie eavesdropping Secretly gaining unauthorized access to confidential communications. Examples include listening to radio transmissions or using laser interferometers to reconstitute conversations by reflecting laser beams off windows that are vibrating in synchrony to the sound in the room. outside the door where Dr McRae is hypnotising Olivia and muttering to herself: "That damned Dr McRae! She's the one who ruined everything for me with Ben, helping him to remember making love to Meg in the cave! Now she's going to ruin my chances with Gregory!
"If Olivia regains her memory and figures out I took the baby... Caitlin will realise the baby I gave to her is her mom's, Gregory will never marry me by June and I can kiss daddy's millions goodbye!"
So why did Elaine kill Del?
Over to A J Deschanel (Gordon Thomson, formerly Adam Carrington in Dynasty): "Del kidnapped Col at birth then Del let Elaine believe he was dead, and then Del sold the baby to my mother in return for the Deschanel jewels... No wonder Elaine killed Del!"
Quite. Who wouldn't?
Anyway, little awful Annie has incriminating in·crim·i·nate
tr.v. in·crim·i·nat·ed, in·crim·i·nat·ing, in·crim·i·nates
1. To accuse of a crime or other wrongful act.
2. photos of Dr McRae.
So she blackmails her into hypnotising Olivia again, so that just when she's remembered all about Annie stealing her baby... Hell! It's all gone clean out of her head.
(Olivia shouldn't worry too much. The new-born baby we saw in flashback was about three feet tall and inexplicably covered with blobs of shaving foam.)
I could go on... about the strapping hunk of a priest from the church of St Steroid's across the way... the police station with no phones on the desks...
I could speculate on how producer Aaron Spelling's actor son Randy managed to get a part (Randy Spelling - sounds like an adult board game).
No doubt he turned up for the auditions using a false name. Brian Spelling, perhaps.
Remember how his sister Tori somehow wangled herself a role in Beverly Hills, 90210?
Well, good luck to the boy.
After seeing him in Sunset Beach, I'm confident it won't be long before he makes his acting debut.
Liz has her good points
..so don't knock 'em
WHAT has Liz Hurley done to deserve the sneering, sniggering "unofficial biography" of This Wonderful Life (Tuesday, C5)?
So she's not the world's greatest actress.
Maybe she's not even Basingstoke's greatest actress.
On screen, she possesses all the personality of a crash-test dummy.
And she has Dick Van Dyke's ear for accents.
But according to Craig Fairbrass, her co-star in Beyond Bedlam Bedlam: see Bethlem Royal Hospital.
from Hospital of St. Mary of Bethlehem, former English insane asylum. [Br. Folklore: Jobes, 193]
See : Confusion
(Hospital of St. (which should have been called Beyond Belief): "She's got that magic something. She's a film star. There's no getting away from it."
Exactly. Liz's job is to swan in and out of movie premieres and parties, looking drop-dead gorgeous in frocks that show off her bits.
To knock her because she's not Dame Judi Dench is like criticising Jarvis Cocker for not being Pavarotti.
Leering Leslie Phillips, who toured the Middle East with Liz in a bedroom farce, should never have been allowed to get away with his claim that she "didn't miss out in the Arab world, I can tell you! Heh, heh!". Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.
And a word of advice to that carping carp·ing
Naggingly critical or complaining.
Noun 1. film critic Karen Krizanovich (the one with the face like a smacked arse): If you're going on television to pour a bucketload of rubbish over someone who happens to be particularly beautiful, it's a good idea to take a long, hard look in the mirror first.
OLD ONES ARE STILL THE BEST
BY SOME fiendishly fiend·ish
1. Of, relating to, or suggestive of a fiend; diabolical.
2. Extremely wicked or cruel.
3. Extremely bad, disagreeable, or difficult: clever trickery, Bob Monkhouse has managed to transform himself from the man we all loved to hate to the man we all hate to admit we love.
Who else could throw a 70th birthday party for themselves on primetime TV, and NOT come across as a smug, self-satisfied big-head?
On Bob Monkhouse: Over The Limit (Saturday, BBC BBC
in full British Broadcasting Corp.
Publicly financed broadcasting system in Britain. A private company at its founding in 1922, it was replaced by a public corporation under royal charter in 1927. 1), he portrayed himself the way he always does - as a doddery adj. 1. same as doddering .
Adj. 1. doddery - mentally or physically infirm with age; "his mother was doddering and frail"
doddering, gaga, senile , bumbling old fool ("I'm so old I can remember the First of the Mohicans... My sex life is as great at 70 as it was at 69... Last year my wife gave up sex for Lent and I didn't find out till Christmas..."
In fact, he's got a razor-sharp wit and a brain that stores gags like a computer.
Bob knocks himself down to set himself up.
He revelled in introducing old clips from embarrassingly bad shows such as My Pal Bob and Saturday Spectacular and ancient TV commercials, displaying a smile dripping with such insincerity that his teeth must have ached.
Then he knocked us dead with a stand-up stand·up or stand-up
1. Standing erect; upright: a standup collar.
2. Taken, done, or used while standing: a standup supper; a standup bar. routine that got bluer and bluer as the evening went on.
"When I said I wanted to be a comedian, everyone laughed at me," he said, putting on his pretend sad face.
You knew the punchline: "Well, they're not laughing now..."
Oh, yes they are.
KNICKERS IN A TWIST
DIDN'T Coronation Street lose the plot last night?
Greg (Stephen Billington), who is trying to get Sally Webster (Sally Whittaker) INTO knickers for a change, told Mike Baldwin (Johnny Briggs) he was going to have a word with her about the "underwear parties you were talking about."
Mike said: "Yeah. You do that. She's a smart girl. Got her head screwed on."
In Sunday's episode, Sally had come into Mike's office and told him that she'd changed her mind about the underwear parties and she was ready to give the idea a go.
Don't you think Mike might have mentioned this to Greg the next day?
Charlie's Clanger clang·er
n. Chiefly British
A blunder; a faux pas.
drop a clanger Informal to make a very noticeable mistake
DOGGONE dog·gone Informal
tr. & intr.v. dog·goned, dog·gon·ing, dog·gones
interj. & n.
adv. & adj. also dog·goned
Damned. ... Holly, the dog which Harold chased out of his garden in Neighbours, was a smooth-haired labrador.
But when Holly was poisoned and left for dead she was a long-haired retriever.
LIKE Ronald Clark of Blackpool, you could win pounds 30 by writing (on a postcard or the back of a sealed envelope only) to: TV Clangers, The Mirror, One Canada Square One Canada Square, a skyscraper in London; it is the tallest habitable building in the United Kingdom, at 235 m (771 ft) and 50 storeys (reduced from original plans for 60). Designed by the Argentinian-American architect César Pelli, construction was completed in 1991. , London E14 5AP.
Fawlty Towers (Friday, BBC1, 8pm)
SIMPLY the best sitcom on the box. And it's 23 years old.
What does that tell us about the state of comedy today?
DESPITE all attempts to blow it out of the water (mine included), Duck Patrol is bobbing along nicely in the ratings, with a steady audience of around nine million viewers.
I know it's been hot lately, and a touch of sunstroke sunstroke: see heatstroke. can do funny things to the brain, but have you all gone quackers?
The joke in this week's episode (Sunday, ITV (1) See interactive TV.
(2) (iTV) The code name for Apple's video media hub (see Apple TV). ) was about a model dressed up as a mermaid (Josie Lawrence) who persuaded the barking-mad skipper of a boat laden with goats, chickens and runner beans (Freddie Jones) not to sail across the Channel to France.
I noticed that one particularly hilarious character - a gormless gorm·less
adj. Chiefly British
Lacking intelligence and vitality; dull.
[From dialectal gawm, sense, from Middle English gome, notice, from Old Norse gaumr. , shambling sham·ble
intr.v. sham·bled, sham·bling, sham·bles
To walk in an awkward, lazy, or unsteady manner, shuffling the feet.
A shuffling gait. photographer - was called Slimey Catchpole CATCHPOLE, officer. A name formerly given to a sheriff's deputy, or to a constable, or other officer whose duty it is to arrest persons. He was a sort of serjeant. The word is not now in use as an official designation. Minshew ad verb. .
Now I happen to know Gavin Petrie and Jan Etherington, creators of Duck Patrol.
I've admired their previous work, like Second Thoughts, Next Of Kin The blood relatives entitled by law to inherit the property of a person who dies without leaving a valid will, although the term is sometimes interpreted to include a relationship existing by reason of marriage. Cross-references
Descent and Distribution. and Faith In The Future.
I've been to their house - more than once - and drunk their wine.
Really, I thought we were friends.
Slimey Catchpole, eh?
Dear Gavin and Jan: How would you like a REALLY bad review?
CALL me callous, but I can't help feeling the trouble with Animal Rescuers (Monday, ITV) is that the animals are always rescued.
Wouldn't it liven things up if once in a while we saw some furry or feathered disaster?
A mallard could get entangled en·tan·gle
tr.v. en·tan·gled, en·tan·gling, en·tan·gles
1. To twist together or entwine into a confusing mass; snarl.
2. To complicate; confuse.
3. To involve in or as if in a tangle. in overhead power cables and become a No. 18 (crispy fried duck). Or an RSPCA RSPCA (in Britain) Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
RSPCA n abbr (Brit) (= Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) → SPA f
man could retrieve a cat stuck up a tree, bring it down - then reverse over it with his van.
Better still, with the RSPCA always going on about being short of "resources, they could announce that this week they could only rescue one animal.
Viewers would be asked to phone in and choose between, say, a cute fox cub caught in a trap and a mangy mang·y
adj. mang·i·er, mang·i·est
1. Affected with, caused by, or resembling mange.
2. Having many worn spots; shabby: a mangy old fur coat.
3. mongrel mongrel
of mixed or uncertain breeding; said of dogs in particular but also used adjectivally to refer to any species. with its head stuck in a saucepan.
Which would get the cuddly, Animal Hospital-style makeover? And which would get the lethal injection?
It would do wonders for the ratings.