The "suddenly single." (spiritual healing for grief and loss)

When Ellen's(*) husband, Dan, left her, she thought she would die. She didn't. She lived through disbelief, recriminations, and divorce. She also developed symptoms common to those in similar situations.

A wise friend told her, "God cares. He can help, but only if you ask."

Ellen only half-listened, until grief and anger threatened to overwhelm her. Finally she prayed, "If You're real, please, help me." A measure of peace came. She clung to it. Gradually, mental, spiritual, and emotional healing returned.

Each year millions are left groping, unable to cope with death or divorce. The good news is Christianity and common sense offer solutions to the seven major symptoms of "suddenly single."

1. Situation Rejection. Ellen's reaction to Dan's abrupt departure after 15 years of "a good marriage" was disbelief. She gripped happy memories and pushed away unsolved problems, reasoning, "Dan will come back if I just wait."

Tip: Patience and believing a broken marriage can be mended may pay off, but only if both parties want it to happen. Your partner's grievances may be such that there is no desire for reconciliation. Recognizing/accepting your inability to change this is the first step toward leaving the past behind and getting on with your future.

2. Silent Withdrawal. Quiet Ted cared for his aging father for years in a warm relationship. After his father's heart attack and death, Ted became suddenly single, occupying an empty house and learning to think "me" instead of "we." He seldom visited friends for fear of intruding. Trapped by memories, he felt his better half had been amputated, and wondered if what was left had value.

Tip: Unresolved grief can kill. If you are suffering from death or divorce, seek counseling from your pastor or doctor. They can help you work through the stages of grief--denial, anger, guilt, depression, and acceptance--so you can become whole.

3. Seeking Solace. Fred confesses, "After my wife died I nearly drove my friends crazy. I couldn't stand being alone. Besides, who ministers to a minister? My congregation didn't know what to say, so most said nothing. I needed help."

Tip: You can find companionship and understanding by joining a group of those who are also adjusting to a single lifestyle.

4. Loss of Self-esteem. Suzanne took her sudden sineleness as a sign of worthlessness. Surely John wouldn't have remarried just a few weeks after the final divorce decree if their years together meant anything. Guilt and shame hung like a shroud, and she felt responsible for every upset in her five years of marriage.

Tip: Recognizing shortcomings can be healthy. Morbid exaggeration is not. Avoid extended pity parties by increasing exercise, involvement with others, etc.

5. Seeking Revenge. Suzanne's inability to say anything good about John after their divorce drove a wedge between their children and both parents. It left her children feeling they were to blame, that they had been divorced, not just their parents. Seeking revenge can also destroy physical health. Suzanne's doctor bluntly said, "Either learn to forgive or I won't answer for the consequences."

Tip: Your children are hurting. A list of the absent parent's faults only adds to the hurt, while keeping you in a state of turmoil that is hazardous to your health.

6. Substitution. Samantha's childhood ended at age 11 with her father's death. It also forced her into a substitute mother role--to her siblings and to a mother who clung to her for support.

Tip: Your children need a mother (or father) more than ever just now.

7. Seeking a Replacement. Samantha's mother sorely missed her husband/confidant/friend. She used her daughter as a live-in sitter while she rushed back into dating to prove herself still attractive and important.

Tip: Resolve your singleness, and meet your children's needs first of all.

Persons of faith who suddenly become single fall victim to the same symptoms. Yet they have a built-in head start on healing. Jesus offers peace (John 16:33), strength (Romans 8:37), support (Hebrews 13:5), friendship (Proverbs 18:24), courage (Psalm 27:14), and direction (Proverbs 3:6).

If you are suddenly single, you have three choices.

* Tie a knot, and hang on when you're at the end of your rope.

* Fight the loneliness-bitterness-bewilderment-pain disease on your own.

* Ask for God's help and put forth your own best efforts via coping classes, involvement, forgetting self in service to others, etc.

If a noted physician offered a proven solution to their distress, suddenly single persons would flock to hear. A Master Physician has offered a surefire approach. Try it. There's nothing to lose but your heartache.

(*)Names have been changed.