Television: Soap watch; Fight to death in Hollyoaks.
WHEN there's a problem with a character in Hollyoaks, they just kill them off. This week it's the turn of Steve, the nasty brother of Jess, Sol's girlfriend and a former hooker.
He is out of jail, and after his little sis and Sol. He finds them on Finn's barge, and a fight ensues. Steve falls off the barge and, I suspect, death follows.
Easy. Just like nasty Rob Newman, who was blown up on Finn's bus. And Jill Patrick, who died from a brain tumour.
And Dawn Cunningham, who died from cancer, and Stan, and Ollie Benson who died in a car crash, and Kurt Benson, who died after he'd left. Not a very safe place to hang about, Chester, is it?
Elsewhere this week, Luke reveals he knows all about Ben and Mandy's 'secret' romance and Ruth is jealous when she sees Lewis with another girl. Oh, you have to so get over him, girlfriend. He wears an earring. Enough said.
Anyway, you can't escape from Hollyoaks this week, not even in Crossroads.
Yep, the hotel is well open for business now, and head barman Ray Dobs looks familiar, doesn't he? Yep, he was Joe in Hollyoaks. But worse than that is Tom Curtis, who was the awful Baz in the Chester soap. Just when I thought it was safe to turn my TV set on again, and he crops up. Yeeuch.
Anyway, the wobbly sets have gone, and the action is better than ever.
Jill is in hospital this week, after taking a drink and drugs overdose, but then meets the daughter she hasn't seen for years. Honestly, can we put up with another soap? Well, as long as hunky handyman Bradley is on screen (Luke Walker), I am sure as hell I can.
Over in Brookside, there's no eye candy on offer, just more misery. This week's most miserable Scousers are the Murrays who are having all sorts of problems conceiving.
But is Brigid about to come up trumps after all and loan her daughter the money for IVF? Oh I hope so, bless her. That's what mum's are for after all, is it not?
Lindsey Corkhill might not agree, of course. She still reckons her mother is a good-for-nothing tart who slept with her girlfriend. And with Jimmy taking his daughter's side and being hell-bent on a divorce, there's only one answer for Jackie. To take her miserable, crying face to her neighbour, poor Diane, and pour her heart out.
Oh please, it's driving me to drink this storyline. Stop it.
Jerome and Nisha are on dangerous ground this week when Jerome arrives home with lipstick on his collar. Oh how original. And just what is Robbie up to? Whatever it is, it's bad, that's for sure.
EastEnders resident bad-boy Phil Mitchell is on the road to recovery this week - unfortunately.
To make matters worse, Jamie seems to have taken over Phil's mantle and manner. He's standing up Sonia, having a go at Billy, lording it over Garry and Lynne. I tell you, he's headed for a whole heap of trouble, that one. And it might be coming in the form of newly-packaged gangster, Dan Sullivan. Oh please. Why, oh, why is he back in our lives. This is wrong, EastEnders, wrong.
But it's not as wrong as Barry's forgetting Natalie's birthday, right enough. Oh dear, the doghouse is calling him.
And what drama is to befall Beppe and Sandra by the end of the week. An almost killed son, methinks.
Personally, I'd cheer if someone killed Sandra and just put paid to her horrendous acting and miserable moaning facial expression once and for all.
Kat's certainly not miserable when she gets Dr Trueman all to herself at the Queen Vic. But when Peggy walks in to find the dishy medic half-naked, things go rapidly downhill.
Janine, the horrendous character we are supposed to feel sorry for, takes to fraud this week, using one of Irene's credit cards to get cashback to restore the cash Terry left her, and she spent.
And so to Emmerdale, and a punch on the nose is in store for Andrew this week when Nicola's dad, Rodney, turns up. Chris finds it all very amusing.
Viv is upset when Carol shows her plans for her new business - a bed and breakfast. Just like Viv. Oops.
But hold the front page, Charity gets her own back on Zoe in the best possible way. A huge smacker right on the lips. Enjoy, Zoe certainly doesn't.