Teaching Children to Care and Share.

How you can encourage your children to help others

Eight-year-old Makenzie Snyder is proud to be called a "bag lady." Recently the Bowie, Maryland, third grader climbed the steps of a group home in nearby Greenbelt, Maryland, with 15 large duffelbags dangling from her arms. She was there to give them to the teenage residents, adding to the 1,000 other suitcases and bags she has donated as part of Children to Children, her program to supply luggage for foster kids. The delivery "makes me feel good," she says, "and I feel excited that they're getting something good."

Children to Children started last year when Makenzie heard stories about foster kids who had to carry their few possessions in trash bags when being moved from home to home. "I felt really sad," she recalls. Then, remembering a fund drive her two older brothers organized to buy equipment for the local fire department, Makenzie told her mother that she "wanted to go to a yard sale and get some suitcases."

Soon Makenzie's parents, Margie and Daniel, were ferrying her to make deliveries. As word of the program spread, Makenzie's Brownie troop and the Bowie Volunteer Fire Department pitched in, collecting donations. Makenzie carefully packs each bag with a stuffed animal and a note that says: "God told me you could use a duffel bag and a cuddly friend. So I send this with love to you."

Recently the little girl received a $15,000 grant from the Freddie Mac Foundation to buy more bags. "It is clear to us that Makenzie is going to go far in life," notes Maxine B. Barker, executive director of the Northern Virginia-based group. "She is making children touched by her kindness feel special."

Clearly, Makenzie Snyder is a child who knows how to care and share. She exhibits a high level of caring and is able to act upon her feelings. Like Makenzie Snyder, most children are moved by the plight of others and want to help. To do so they need a little encouragement and coaching from parents and other significant adults in their lives. Here are some ways to help children become caring, sharing people.

Start With Yourself

"A good example is the best sermon," noted the seventeenth-century British writer Thomas Fuller. Live in such a way that your creeds match your deeds. You, as a parent or adult role model, have the most influence over the children in your care.

Actress Meryl Streep is one who takes her parenting role more seriously than her acting roles. Despite her many highly acclaimed professional accomplishments, Streep says she always considers herself a mother first. When choosing roles, she keeps in mind her four children.

"Everything we put out in my business leaves an imprint on kids who are way too young to be looking at much of the stuff that's out there," she says. Consequently, Streep is most interested in scripts with a strong moral message.

Use the Bible to Do Moral Formation

Scriptures contain many stories of families and individuals who faced various issues and tests. Use those stories to provide children with a spiritual dimension for the values you are emphasizing. Here are some ways of utilizing the Bible:

* To teach virtues of unselfishness, kindness, honesty, courage, and faith, turn to the story of Joseph (Genesis 37 and following). The story deals with sibling jealousy and treachery, yet reveals how Joseph maintained faith in God, had courage to build a new life, was dependable and trustworthy, and was forgiving of his brothers.

* To teach peace and kindness, turn to the story of Abraham and Lot (Genesis 13: 1-9). That account reports that bickering between shepherds who worked for Abraham and Lot caused so many problems that the family decided to split. Point out how generous Abraham was to let Lot have the first choice of where to live. Also instructive is the fact that Abraham and Lot could have joined in the quarrel, but they found a peaceful way to settle the issues.

* To teach courage, justice, and loyalty, turn to the book of Esther. Point out how it took great courage for Esther to approach the king on behalf of the Jewish people. Because of this young woman, a hideous plot to kill all Jews in the country was averted.

Talk the Talk

Use words that convey values and virtues as often as possible. Fill your daily conversation with words such as "kindness," "caring," "helpful," "understanding." Even the youngest child can begin to understand such concepts as "share" and "be nice." In his book Spiritual Parenting author David Carroll advises that parents use the word "kind" as often as possible. "Instead of complimenting children on being `good' or acting `well behaved,' tell them how `kind' they are. Or how caring, loving, giving." He cites these life situations:

Example: Robert shares his toy soldiers with a friend. An ideal parental response would be: "I saw you sharing your soldiers. I know how much they mean to you. It must have taken a lot of effort to be so kind."

Example: Paul's baby brother, Mike, knocks over a bottle of rubber cement on Paul's desk. An ideal parental response would be: "I know how you're feeling, believe me, Paul. But Mike's only a baby and doesn't know any better. Be as kind as you can, and don't get mad at him. Someday when he grows up he'll remember how loving you were, and he'll be the same way back to you."

Applaud All Kind Acts

When children act kindly and behave tenderheartedly, let them know of your approval and pride. Do all you can to make children feel honored for their feats of caring and kindness.

One mother was presented with an unusual way of doing this. Carol Gillis Zetterberg, from Langhorne, Pennsylvania, tells of a winter evening when she grudgingly trudged through the snow looking for her son, Christian. He was an hour late for dinner. Earlier he had gone sledding but had promised to be home in time for supper.

As Zetterberg passed a neighbor's house she recalled that their 4-year-old son, Matt, had lost his leg in an accident that summer. She had visited that family a few times, "but I never knew quite what to say or do."

Finally spotting Christian, she snapped, "I've been looking all over for you." Apologizing, he asked if she would remain and do some sledding with him. "Are you kidding? I'm freezing," she grumbled.

Later, after dinner, Christian again asked his mother: "Mom, can we go sledding? Please? This might be our last snow of the year." She objected, saying, "What about your homework? Besides, you were sledding all afternoon." To her surprise, Christian responded: "But I wasn't. Not really." Knowing he had been gone for nearly three hours, Zetterberg asked Christian what he was doing during that time.

"Well, Mom, you know Matt?" Christian asked, referring to their 4-year-old neighbor. "It's hard for him to sled. He has to crawl uphill, and he gets tired out fast. So today I pulled him up to the top--maybe 20 times. It was great to hear him laughing."

Astounded and touched by her son's compassion, she "applauded" his behavior by returning to the hill and sledding with him that evening. As she stood in the freezing cold, Zetterberg recalls: "I felt the sting of the sleety snow and thought how odd it was that on such a cold night, I should feel so warm."

Stress and Reinforce the Importance of Respect

Begin early to emphasize respect of parents, for elders, for other children, for life, for property, for nature, and for the beliefs and rights of others. Respect is a foundation on which other values rest and emerge.

Consider the example of Linda Eyre, mother of nine children and the co-author of Teaching Your Children Values. She tells of reading an article on Prince William, the then 5-year-old son of Prince Charles and Lady Diana. The article pointed out that although the child was independent and a bit rambunctious, he was also extremely polite and respectful. He always opened doors for ladies, addressed men as "sir," and said "Please" and "Thank you." According to the article, his parents had instructed the royal nanny to put a high priority on teaching him to be "a respectful young gentleman."

Eyre liked the article and tore it out to use as a focus of discussion with her children that evening at dinner. She explained "very firmly that from now on we are going to have better manners and more respect."

Eyre asked her children what they thought respect meant, and received the answers she wanted: "Helping other people"; "Being courteous"; "Being polite." "Then I got an answer far better than what I thought I wanted--far better than the answer I had in my own mind. It came from an adolescent daughter who said, `I think it's nice that Prince William calls people "sir" and I think manners are important, but respect isn't just using the right words and being well trained. Respect means really caring about how people feel.'"

Emphasize Justice and Fairness

In addition to cultivating virtues such as kindness and compassion, nurture a sense of justice and fairness in your children. Help them understand that they should not remain silent and passive when others are being mistreated or abused.

One teen who responded boldly with an act of justice made an indelible impression upon best-selling author Wally Lamb. It took place when he was a high school teacher. Some students started an ugly game in which they circled a mentally disabled boy and began pitching their spare change at him while shouting hurtful, hateful slurs.

"I attempted to break through and stop this sickening spectacle," Lamb recalls, "but a 15-year-old girl beat me to it." Entering the circle, the girl threw her arm around the victim and led him out of the firing line, despite the coins, taunts, and four-letter words now being hurled at her.

"I witnessed this incident about 20 years ago, but it lingers as a vividly imprinted lesson in the necessity of immediate moral response to human cruelty," Lamb says. "Cathy James, wherever you are, whoever you've become, you remain one of my heroes."

Cathy James is an excellent example of this reality: children can know how to be strong when there is injustice while being gentle toward those who are weaker. Children who truly care and share may not change the world, but they do move it in the right direction.

Victor M. Parachin writes on health and family issues from Tulsa, Oklahoma.