Teach children to forgive, let go of their grudges.

Byline: BIRTH TO THREE By Janai Lowenstein For The Register-Guard

Special occasions call for memorable experiences. On this special holiday of good will and contemplation of a year gone by as another door opens, we long for a satisfied, full feeling of the heart.

Adults who are connected to children have the opportunity to give them a very precious gift that will last a lifetime, lighting the pathway to full heartedness.

Forgiving, apologizing and eliminating grudges are fertile seeds for that fulfillment.

`I'm going to get him back for not sharing with me,' thought Bridget. She ignored Colton for days. Not understanding why she was ignoring him, Colton began making cutting remarks aimed at Bridget.

In this situation, one grudge breeds another. Each person wants to get back at the other. `Hurt me and I'll hurt you.'

Both children are unhappy, carrying `chips' on their shoulders. They are both being indirect rather than sharing feelings, asking questions or getting help from adults.

What neither realizes is that when a grudge is held, the person housing it is hurting himself or herself internally.

A grudge takes on the form of a ball of tension, renting space somewhere in the body: stomach, chest, neck or elsewhere.

This tension feeds the mind with negativity in mental thoughts, which, in turn, feed more tension into the area of the body renting space to the grudge. It's a vicious cycle.

Besides harming oneself, the child also harms the relationship with the other person.

Closeness in friendship will not thrive without the ability to forgive and apologize. These gifts bring healing to both parties.

Holding a grudge is analogous to being stuck and living in the past. That, in turn, prevents full spectrum living in the present. And the sad result is that the grudge becomes a negative building block for one's future life experience.

Holding grudges is the precursor to ongoing emotional quakes as past hurt is relived, over and over, like a replay button on a video recording. Apology and forgiveness open the door to personal freedom.

Here are some tips for helping kids let go of grudges:

Awareness. Help the child to locate the tension area in her body from the grudge held. Point out the mind-body connection: `When I hold a grudge, it feels tight and tense in my stomach.'

Purposely think grudge thoughts and talk about where you feel the body tension with your child. Drawing body outlines and coloring in the grudge tension is an empowering tool.

Choice. Help the child to decide how he wants to experience his internal mind-body environment.

Discuss how you feel when you hold a grudge by giving an example of doing that when you were a child or in the present time. Contrast that experience by also sharing how you feel when you forgive someone.

Control. Ask the child what she really wants to experience with the other person.

It is important to be able to feel forgiveness and not desire contact with someone under certain circumstances, based on safety, depth of harm or personal violation, etc.

Communication. Demonstrate how to communicate when in doubt or in fear of others' actions.

For example, `I feel badly when you don't share with me. Can you tell me why you aren't sharing?' `I want to get along. Let's get help from the teacher.'

Role model. Express forgiveness in everyday life whenever possible, using the words, `I forgive you.'

It is amazing how quickly children understand the importance of doing this once they live with it and experience being the forgiven.

Teach lessons. Create stories with children about forgiveness, keeping in mind what happens in the future to those who forgive and those who don't. Try the same story with two different endings. Discuss which ending feels better.

Show it. Create contrast art by drawing, painting or modeling with clay to show the meaning of holding grudges and how differently that looks from forgiveness inside their own bodies and in relationships.

Janai Lowenstein of Drain is a speaker, trainer and author, and is director of the Self-Help Program. The opinions expressed in this column are those of the writer. Birth To Three is a nonprofit organization dedicated to strengthening families through parent support and education. For more information about Birth To Three, call 484-4401.