Talk is not cheap in this business.

Talk is not cheap in this business

Your sales force is burned out, and sales are lagging projections by a mile. Cold sweat trickles down your brow as you realize the final quarter of the fiscal year has begun.

More than a few local sales managers are facing similar scenarios this week. And some are turning in desperation to their favorite sports heroes for some hope.

After all, who better to inspire a weary sales team than Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda? Who better to help engineer a dramatic come-from-behind-in-the-final-quarter victory than Los Angeles Lakers coach Pat Riley?

"We book all kinds of speakers, but sports continues to be our No. 1 draw," confirms Bruce Merrin, who claims to book more than 500 celebrity speakers a year out of his Calabasas speakers bureau. "Corporations are always looking for people who can transfer the drive, excitement and winning attitude of the sports arena into the corporate arena."

But L.A. legends don't come cheap.

Pat Riley pulls down $20,000 for an hour talk. Lasorda gets $15,000. Former UCLA basketball coach John Wooden nets $7,500.

Merrin and other speakers bureau proprietors around town generally pocket between 25 percent and 35 percent of that take for placing the booking.

Too rich for your blood? How about a legend-once-removed?

Almost heroes

Local sportscasters like Stu Nahan, Eric Tracy and Tommy Hawkins are rubbing elbows with L.A.'s sports stars every day. And they can deliver an hour's worth of motivational anecdotes and jokes for $3,000 or so.

"I try to tell them something about what Tommy Lasorda's like, then tell them a few anecdotes," explains Nahan, a sportscaster at KTLA-TV Channel 5 who gives about 20 corporate talks a year. "It's an ad-lib kind of thing for about 20 minutes and then I throw it open for questions for about 25 minutes."

But isn't $3,500 a bit steep for 45 minutes of ad-lib chatter? Not according to Nahan.

"Why does a guy that pitches (baseballs) every fourth day get paid $3 million, or President Reagan get $2 million; hell, he can't even remember what he said last week," Nahan says.

Actually, former President Reagan charges $50,000 for an hour-long gab, points out Dottie Walters, founder of Glendora-based International Group of Agents and Bureaus (IGAP), a trade group of some 100 speakers bureaus.

"The $2 million was for an entire two-month tour in Japan," Walters clarifies. "And most people don't even know that he (Reagan) brought back $8 million in California earthquake relief funds as a result of his trip."

Fund-raisers take note.

`Neat stuff'

While some groups might think $3,500 a bit steep, David Fortezzo, president of the National Tool and Machine Association, insists the fee paid to Nathan was money well spent. His trade group hired Nahan to speak at its monthly meeting in Santa Fe Springs two weeks ago.

"Everybody thought it was great," Fortezzo gushes. "We had almost 80 people, while we normally only have about 25, if we're lucky."

So what did Nahan reveal for his $3,500?

"All kinds of neat stuff," Fortezzo explains. "Like, he talked about how women reporters can get into the men's locker rooms but men reporters can't get into women's locker rooms; and how shabby it was that the Raiders are trying to leave L.A. strictly because of the dollars - all kinds of neat stuff."

No matter what kind of neat stuff a client wants, one of the speakers bureaus can probably provide it. The bureaus offer a smorgasbord of famous and not-so-famous authors, scientists, economists, professors... you name it.

Actors are also in abundant supply on the rosters of local speakers bureaus.

Forrest Tucker and Ken Berry are both available to re-enact some of their memorable scenes from the 1960s TV show "F Troop." Jo Anne Worley could certainly liven up a management meeting with some cackles like those she made famous on the "Laugh In" TV show. And how about Meredith MacRae, whose "exciting topics of discussion include `Women in Media' and `Time Management?'" proclaims one bureau's brochure.

Cop-slapper speaks

Convicted cop-slapper Zsa Zsa Gabor would make for "a sparkling addition to add to the excitement of a meeting or convention," another promo piece promises.

No doubt.

But your meetings need not be limited to speakers who have merely faded from their former glories. Some local bureaus book characters who are dead.

"We represent about 40 speakers who portray historical characters, in costume," says Walters. "They give a great talk and answer questions on just about any topic without ever breaking character, all for about $3,000."

Westside resident Dick Pierce, for example, plays a mean Teddy Roosevelt and a very convincing Genghis Khan, although his wife abhors the latter role since it requires him shaving his head.

But Pierce's specialty is Gen. George S. Patton Jr.

"I get hired by managers who need to kick their salesmen in the butt," barks Pierce, who charges $1,500 for an hour-long "butt-kicking" session.

The former vice president of marketing for tobacco franchiser Tinderbox International has been masquerading as Patton for some eight years now. And his costume consists of more than $5,000 worth of Patton replicas.

Patton's bootmaker

"My costume's more authentic than George C. Scott's was," says Pierce of the 1970 Academy Award-winning movie.

His costume includes combat boots made by Patton's actual bootmaker in England, a Colt revolver, complete with ivory grip and engraving identical to Patton's original pistol, and an English bull terrier that's the spitting image of Old Blood and Guts' faithful sidekick.

Pierce's attention to detail is paying off, too.

Just this month, he's speaking in Chicago, Jacksonville, Fla., and Honolulu, Culver City and downtown L.A.

"My biggest job was in 1986, when the U.S. Army hired me to go around the country talking to young soldiers about the importance of voting," he reminisces.

Pierce has a letter of commendation from the Joint Chiefs of Staff to prove the government's appreciation for his efforts, but not everyone shares that appreciation.

"One of my speeches got canceled when somebody phoned in a bomb threat," he admits. "I never realized my speeches were that bad."

PHOTO : Profitable speaking: Stu Nahan takes the podium