Taking time for self-empathy during dilemmas builds esteem.

Byline: FROM HEART TO HEART By Lisa-Marie DiVincent For The Register-Guard

Various circumstances persist in drawing my attention away from the spiritual connection that has grown to sustain me. A case in point is the curious state of disorder in my home, my very own Myth of Sisyphus.

The task of redistributing the mountains of stuff accumulating behind my back is akin to Sisyphus pushing a huge rock to the top of the hill. It never quite balances nicely where it belongs, but insists on rolling right down the other side. Who knows why, but the rock must be persuaded back up, again and again.

One way I deal with such everyday predicaments, whether mythical or mundane, may sound familiar. I attempt to change only the things that can actually be changed, and to accept whatever doesn't appear to be changeable in the present moment. I find I benefit from pursuing a quality of balance or discernment, you might say, that people seek through the wisdom of The Serenity Prayer or similar invocations.

To reclaim my state of balance during emotional distress or spiritual disconnection, I practice "self-empathy" in the style of Marshall Rosenberg's Compassionate or Nonviolent Communication. This simple method offers four key focuses of awareness: observations, free of evaluation; feelings, free of judgment; needs or values, free of assumptions and expectations; and requests, expressed in clear, doable, positive action language, free from demands.

Consider this example, using my perceived disorderliness: I observe piles of clothes, books and papers that exceed my personal comfort level. What am I feeling about this? Frustrated, overwhelmed, a bit hopeless.

What might I need? I'd like more order and completion, but also quite a bit more self-acceptance. I wonder, if these values and needs were fulfilled, would I be more peaceful? I suspect so, and that's exactly what I really want! I go through this pattern of guessing what I'm feeling and what I'm needing as many times as required until I feel "heard" or lose interest.

Finally, I look for a specific, doable request likely to meet the needs I discovered. In this case, I ask myself to focus on the simple satisfaction of putting things away for at least 10 minutes. After the experience of giving myself empathy in this way, I feel energized and more hopeful.

As I glance around the room now, it looks like a righteous work in progress, rather than a shamefully unfinished project. Contentment turns into amusement as I recall a quote from the last Armenian mystic, G. Gurdjieff: "There is a thousand times more value in polishing the floor - as it should be done - than in writing 20 books."

I vow to put things away with extra patience and respect, to see the most tedious of chores as holy work. Taking the time for self-empathy during minor dilemmas builds confidence for even more challenging ones. I treasure having a comforting, dependable road map for transforming that pesky chaos - both outer and inner - into a gratifying sense of balance, clarity and spiritual reconnection.

Lisa-Marie DiVincent is a nondenominational spiritual practitioner and teacher of Nonviolent Communication. She is a co-sponsor of "Nonviolence as a Way of Life," a regional conference at the University of Oregon to be held Sept. 11-14 (www.nonviolentliving.org). This column is coordinated by Lane Interfaith Alliance, a network of more than 30 religious and spiritual traditions in the Eugene-Springfield area. For more information, visit www.laneinterfaithalliance.org or call 344-5693.