TWO RIVERS RUN THROUGH IT JOAN AND MELISSA DISH THE DIRT ON OSCAR'S WHO, WHAT, WHY, WHEN AND WEAR.

Byline: Valerie Kuklenski Staff Writer

When Joan Rivers makes a snide crack about a celebrity's appearance at an awards show, her writers and producers at E! Entertainment Television probably are roaring with laughter, and her millions of viewers are chuckling and nodding in agreement.

But some of the stars and their die-hard fans are not so amused.

Joan and Melissa Rivers are in their sixth season of doing the red carpet coverage for E!, ostensibly reviewing the fashions but, in Joan's case, often making the harshest comments in the name of humor.

Whether it's Jennifer Lopez's behind, Kathy Bates' weight or Gillian Anderson as a punchline for any joke, Joan has found ample material in the evening gowns worn to the Oscars and Emmys, and we're not talking yard goods. She and Melissa, the straight woman on the team, will be at it again Sunday at the 72nd annual Academy Awards.

Joan - the professional stand-up comedian, talk-show host, author, actress, jewelry designer and fashion maven - and Melissa - the professional, um, daughter - say their reputation as the nastiest harpies in their field is undeserved.

``We end up taking the flak for things other people say on our ('Fashion Review') show,'' Melissa said last week during a three-way phone interview. ``Now let's review who these people are: A-list designers, A-list hair people, A-list makeup people, top editors from major magazines, and I'm not talking Bob's Dresses once a month.

``Whenever people come at us and say, 'How could you do that?' we always go back and check the tape and say, 'We didn't say it, but if you would like a copy of the tape, have at it, find out who did say it.' ''

Melissa also suggested that those with hurt feelings have forgotten the context. ``My mother's the funny one on the show. She's a comedian, it's entertainment. Are these people going to go on another show and yell at Jay Leno for making a joke about them?''

``Very nicely put,'' Joan chimed in. ``I was going to say the same thing but it would take me four times as long.

``We're there as reviewers,'' Joan added. ``One of the reasons the shows are so popular - and it's amazing what's happened to these shows - is because we do tell the truth. My whole life, my whole career has been built on (the idea that), in my head, I'm sitting on a couch with somebody watching the event, and that somebody is who I'm talking to. It's girlfriend talk. I say what you would say to your friend. And for every negative comment, we also get, 'Oh my God, you said what we were just saying!'

``It's all such fluff,'' she said. ``And the smart ones know it and they laugh with you, and we have such a good time on the red carpet.''

Heidi Schaeffer, a publicist with PMK, one of Hollywood's most powerful firms, said she lets her clients decide whether they want to be interviewed by the Riverses.

``Each individual client usually has an opinion on the matter,'' she said. ``Some are anxious to talk to one or the other, and others want to stay away, and some want to confront them, like, 'Why didn't you like the dress I wore?' I have no problem if they want to talk with either of these ladies.

``They've said things that I think have hurt people's feelings,'' Schaeffer added. ``Generally (celebrities) think they look fantastic, and then to have somebody tear it down, it hurts.''

Joan insists no one is walking widely around her on the red carpet these days, but she admitted Nicole Kidman was quite angry about her criticism of that chinoisery silk gown the actress wore to the 1997 Oscars.

``Remember when Dior did that puke green?'' Joan said (probably reopening Kidman's wound if she sees this). ``I just said it's the ugliest color I've ever seen in my life. . . . And Nicole Kidman got very upset.

``But that's all over with. What does it matter? Joan Rivers didn't like Dior's green. It didn't change the world.''

Of course they can't fling barbs without expecting a few in return, especially in egocentric, image-conscious Hollywood.

``I'm always being told I'm an old, fat pig,'' Joan said.

``And one particular actress who's constantly harping on us, in a paraphrased way, called me ugly, basically said, 'She's tough on the eyes,' '' Melissa said.

``Fine,'' said Joan.

``Whatever,'' said Melissa.

Many of Joan's harshest critics note she has been ill-prepared for her job in past years, failing to recognize acting nominees (like, say, Gillian Anderson in 1996, when ``The X-Files'' was beginning its fourth season) or knowing little about their nominated projects. However, at last year's Oscars she apparently brushed up ahead of time. Melissa, in a perch above the scene, kept up her end of some informed discussions of the odds, trends and controversies with film and TV writer Tom O'Neill.

Joan's detractors also have complained she lacks credentials for fashion commentary. But she was a fashion design major in college, and, in the early '60s, while she was telling jokes by night in coffee houses for pocket change, she had day jobs putting together fashion shows for Lord & Taylor, Saks and other high-end stores. Her eponymous jewelry line, sold on QVC, in 10 years' time has become the largest costume jewelry business in the world, according to Rivers. And when she was Johnny Carson's regular guest host on ``The Tonight Show'' in the early '80s, she was the first celebrity to make an exclusive deal with a designer, in that case Calvin Klein.

``So it's always been there and I've always loved clothes and always had fun with them,'' Joan said. ``I don't take them seriously, do you know what I'm saying? If this is the year to moo, I've got a bag that moos. Right now, my feet are going, 'Snake, snake.' Fashion is so much fun if you don't get serious about the stupidity of it.''

It's not all about firing heat-seeking missiles at the bizarre and the tasteless. In fact, last year, Joan was possibly the only fashion reviewer with kind words for Celine Dion's white fedora and John Galliano suit with the jacket worn backward, an opinion she stands behind still.

``I love Celine Dion,'' Joan said. ``She's got a great body and she loves fashion and she knew it was camp.

``Can I say one other thing right here?''

Of course.

``The smart ones are the ones who are walking down to get the picture and to be talked about the next day. Who are we talking about? Celine Dion with her stupid hat.''

``Jennifer Lopez at the Grammys,'' Melissa interjected.

``Courtney Love, Camryn Manheim. These are the smart ones,'' Joan continued. ``You tell me what Goldie Hawn wore three years ago. I'm sure she was beautiful. But you remember the woman who wore a dress made of American Express cards.''

Last year, Joan - she of the rolling eyes and the finger down her throat - actually had something nice to say about or to everyone she interviewed in the Oscars preshow. Was that because people dressed better?

``Yes. They're ruining my life,'' she said.

Then it's not a Joan Rivers personality makeover?

``Oh no, oh God, too late,'' Joan said. ``The fun truly is you don't know what these shows are going to be, because it's not about us, it's about what they're coming at you wearing. And they all looked so great. They were so boring.''

What new trend would make the E! Oscar preshow the most fun for the Riverses and their viewers? Melissa answered without skipping a beat.

``If everyone would dress themselves.''

``If every stylist would go on strike,'' Joan put in.

``And hair and makeup,'' Melissa went on. ``And all the designers boycotted.''

``Except for our group!'' Joan said.

``And everyone actually had to go to a store and pick it out themselves,'' Melissa said, ``and do their own hair and makeup, because you know someone would forget to take a roller out of the back of her head.

``I know myself exactly what would happen to me,'' Melissa continued. ``There would be no risk. I would throw on something black, my black strappy shoes . . . and my hair would be in a ponytail - who are we kidding?''

``I would be in a boa,'' Joan said. ``Remember what you put on Barbie and you thought she looked hot?'

The facts

--The show: ``The Academy Awards Live Preshow.''

--What: Red carpet coverage, the final two-hour segment of E!'s eight hours of pre-Oscar programming.

--The stars: Joan and Melissa Rivers.

--Where: E! Entertainment Television.

--When: 3 p.m. Sunday.

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo: (1 -- cover -- color) Take a trip down Oscar's RED CARPET with Joan and Melissa Rivers

John Lazar/Staff Photographer

(2) no caption (Joan and Melissa Rivers)