TV NETWORKS WANT YOU GLUED TO SEASON FINALES.

Byline: Mike Duffy Knight-Ridder Tribune News Wire

It's a silly season unto itself, the annual May madness of season finales.

We're nearing the dizzy heart of it over the next week, with various prime-time shows closing out the year with cliff-hangers, weddings, breakups and assorted other surprises.

Over on ``Ellen'' (8 tonight, KABC), for instance, a two-episode season finale rolls to its frantic conclusion during the misbegotten wedding of Paige (Joely Fisher) and her bland-as-pablum fiance Matt (Dan Gauthier).

Needless to say, Ellen (Ellen DeGeneres) makes for a loopy, nontraditional maid of honor at this bonkers affair. ``I'm not a dress kinda gal,'' quips the slacks-forever aficionado.

Oh yes, this is the night ``Ellen'' viewers finally get to gawk at the show's long-awaited opening-credits sequence. It's been a running gag all year as ``Ellen'' limped along without the usual show-opening razzmatazz.

And the retro spoof of dippy sitcom theme songs scores a direct hit on the Chucklehead Laff-O-Meter.

Now let's roll out Captain Video's Top 10 Cool Season Finales:

``Seinfeld'' (9 p.m. Thursday, NBC). Yes, neurotic nudnik George Costanza (Jason Alexander) has those wedding bell heebie-jeebies. All year he's been fretting about his engagement to Susan (Heidi Swedberg). Now as the emotional noose tightens, Mr. Commitment frantically tries to slither out of the impending bonds of matrimony.

``ER'' (10 p.m. Thursday, NBC). Bad times at Chicago's County General Hospital. Dr. Benton (Eriq LaSalle), forever wrapped tight, is headed for trouble. And so are Nurse Hathaway (Julianna Margulies) and her boyfriend Shep (Ron Eldard), the ambulance driver who's been amped up on angst and a short temper ever since his partner died in a fire.

``Homicide: Life on the Street'' (10 p.m. Friday, NBC). The emotionally charged cliff-hanger conclusion of a two-part season finale. You mean detective Lewis getting married wasn't surprising enough? Now there's a near-death experience as one of the key players in the superb ensemble cast of this fine crime drama faces a major life trauma.

``The Simpsons'' (8 p.m. Sunday, Fox). Homer Simpson, hoodoo rhythm devil? Doh! It's ``Homerpalooza,'' with Homer trying to prove he's hip by taking Bart and Lisa to a rockin' Springfield musicfest. And guess who's gettin' down? Peter Frampton and alterna-boppers Smashing Pumpkins, Sonic Youth and Cypress Hill. Rave on, Homey.

``Murder, She Wrote'' (8 p.m. Sunday, KCBS). No cliff-hangers here. This isn't just a season finale, but the fond series farewell to mystery author-sleuth Jessica Fletcher (Angela Lansbury) after 12 years and 264 episodes. Title of the last episode? ``Death by Demographics,'' a tale of murder at a radio station that has spurned its longtime listeners in a frenzied quest for a younger audience. A not so subtle dig at CBS, which kissed off ``Murder, She Wrote'' this season because the show's audience is dominated by older viewers.

``Mad About You'' (8 p.m. Sunday, NBC). All aboard the separation train. Will Paul and Jamie Buchman (Paul Reiser, Helen Hunt) come to a painful fork in the marital road, deciding to split up at least long enough to keep viewers guessing until fall? Didn't these guys seem remarkably happy? Alas, the stress of trying to conceive a baby has left them at loose emotional ends.

``Star Trek: Voyager'' (8 p.m. Monday, UPN). Lost in space. That's the scary scenario for the crew of Voyager when they're marooned on an angry, volcano-ridden planet after being hijacked by the pesky Kazon. Yipes.

``Roseanne'' (8 p.m., Tuesday, KABC). What's the plan, Dan? There's a crisis in the Conner clan. Roseanne and Dan (John Goodman) are squabbling bitterly over his cardiac-smart lifestyle after a heart attack. It's all a setup for next season when Goodman will be seen only in limited doses as ``Roseanne'' focuses primarily on the lives of Roseanne and Jackie.

``NYPD Blue'' (10 p.m. Tuesday, KABC). More marital mess-ups. The connubial bliss is missing in the troubled world of Andy Sipowicz (Dennis Franz) and Sylvia Costas (Sharon Lawrence). Still reeling from grief over the tragic shooting death of son Andy Jr., recovering alcoholic Sipowicz fell off the wagon hard. And the birth of son Theo has only added to the stressed-out emotional complications.

``Beverly Hills, 90210'' (8 p.m. May 22, Fox). It's a big two-hour season adios for the ``90210'' crew. Among the surprises? Former cast members Jamie Walters and Gabrielle Carteris are back for a visit. Two couples are being romantically reunited. And that enormously gifted actor Pauly Shore pops up for a bar fight during the 21st birthday bash for supercilious Steve (Ian Ziering). Oh joy.

OK, I kinda fibbed. Any Top 10 list of really cool season finales would also include shows like ``The X-Files'' and ``3rd Rock From the Sun.'' But hey, we had to get beyond my personal fave raves. Sorry, Agent Scully.

And finally, some bye-bye bonus coverage with a passel of additional season finale times and dates:

KABC: ``Grace Under Fire'' (9 p.m. Wednesday), ``Hangin' with Mr. Cooper'' (9:30 p.m. May 24).

KCBS: ``The Nanny'' (8 p.m. Monday), ``Chicago Hope'' (10 p.m. Monday).

NBC: ``Friends'' (8 p.m. Thursday), ``Caroline in the City'' (9:30 p.m. Thursday), ``3rd Rock From the Sun'' (8 p.m. Tuesday), ``Frasier'' (9 p.m. Tuesday), ``Law & Order'' (10 p.m. May 22).

Fox: ``The X-Files'' (9 p.m. Friday), ``Melrose Place'' (8 p.m. Monday).

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Photo

Photo: On the season finale of ``Ellen,'' at 8 tonight on K ABC, ventriloquists invade the already-troubled wedding of Paige (Joely Fisher), as maid of honor Ellen (Ellen DeGeneres) and others sit dumbfounded.