TV GETS IT LATE, NOT SO GREAT.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH Media

An Olympic weekend TV diary, or, There's gotta be a way to get these two days of my life back:

Saturday

9 a.m.: Our first coherent view of the Olympics comes from CNBC's coverage of fencing, which looks like two guys in white hazmat suits waving giant cocktail skewers at each other.

11 a.m.: As NBC's afternoon broadcast starts (it's 9 p.m. Athens time), we've already been made aware through an Internet search that the U.S. has already piled up five medals, and 29 medals had already been distributed.

2:30 p.m.: A promo for the new NBC show ``Joey'' with Matt LeBlanc laughing at the TV announcer who says: ``Coming up next, the finals in the breaststroke.''

``I can't believe they can say that on TV,'' LeBlanc says.

8:45 p.m.: After suffering through men's synchronized diving - pul-eeze, don't let your kids do this - it only takes an hour into NBC's prime-time, very-taped coverage for Michael Phelps' first gold-medal swim, an event that took place nearly 11 hours earlier. That's an upset. We were sure it wouldn't come on until just before midnight.

9:45 p.m.: After eight hours of watching, the eyelids get heavy during the men's 100-meter breaststroke finals.

What's so funny?

Sunday

7:10 a.m.: CNBC, in the middle of its 11 p.m. Saturday-to-1 p.m. Sunday window, has the first quarter of the Argentina-Serbia and Montenegro hoops game. It beats watching ``How To Boil Water'' on the Food Channel.

10:45 a.m.: MSNBC, in news coverage of Hurricane Charley, shows on a news scroll that the U.S. men's basketball team trails Puerto Rico 49-27 at the end of the first half.

So where can we see this?

CNBC, the only member in the NBC family of channels showing anything live, is mired in a scoreless soccer game between IRQ and CRC (that's Iraq and Costa Rica, which you can't assume because they could be using the Greek alphabet).

11 a.m.: After ``Access Hollywood'' finally ends, NBC's daily coverage starts (an hour earlier than most of the TV listings said). Jim Lampley says the U.S. men's basketball game against Puerto Rico will be live in less than an hour. Oh, really?

11:20 a.m.: By now, we've read about Ian Thorpe and Michael Phelps finishing 1-2 in the 200-meter freestyle semis and how South Africa pulled the upset in the men's 400-meter freestyle relay.

Yet, on NBC, we're watching the first heat of the men's 200-meter freestyle. Semifinal coverage is coming up tonight, Dan Hicks promises.

Noon: As the game finally appears on NBC, the scroll on MSNBC reports that the U.S. lost 92-73, right after a mention that the Pope ended a two-day pilgrimage in Lourdes, France.

12:20 p.m.: ``The Olympics are coming! And once the Games begin, don't miss a thing!'' proclaims an ad for the KNBC news. ``Trust the Channel 4 news team to keep you one step ahead.'' Or, three days behind.

1:30 p.m.: With the U.S. men's basketball team getting thumped in the fourth quarter, a scroll comes across the screen: ``To view the men's soccer match between Costa Rica and Iraq, tune to Telemundo 52.'' How about this instead: ``To view the Dodgers-Cubs game, where the Dodgers trail 5-3 but have loaded the bases in the eighth, tune to Channel 13.''

2 p.m.: Craig Sager interviews Allen Iverson: ``(The U.S.) is not a good outside shooting team. Is that going to be an Achilles' heel through the tournament for the United States?''

Iverson fails to pick up on the Greek reference.

4 p.m.: A poll on ESPN.com: What will be on your TV screens this weekend? More than 44 percent of 6,400 voters replied ``Madden 2005.'' Second was the Olympics at 35 percent.

6:45 p.m: The Channel 4 news gives the lineup for the rest of the night. Starting in just minutes: women's gymnastics at 8 p.m.; Phelps vs. Thorpe at 8:45 p.m. and Phelps goes for his second gold at - ahem - 11 p.m.

Thanks, but ABC has a very special ``America's Funniest Home Videos'' - a decade of embarrassing moments. There was this clip of this dog in a pool doing the breaststroke ... aw, you had to see it yourself.